I am afraid

of love.

Afraid to love.

Afraid to be loved.

Afraid I'll never be loved again.

Afraid I'll never be able to love again without being completely and utterly let down and rejected.

And it hurts like hell.

And yet I still love.

Still love one person who won't accept my love.

And it hurts like hell.

And I don't know what to do.

Day 8


"Whatever it is...

that pulls the pin, that hurls you past the boundaries of your own life into a brief and total beauty, even for a moment, it is enough." Jeanette Winterson

I am forever searching for that something to pull my pin. It just seems to be elusive. *sigh*

Day 7 (morning)


"Our deepest fear..."

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles

I need to find my light again. It seems to have been stifled under a big pile of crap.

Day 4


Fuck the stupid fucking EVIL empire

And all the bullshit it stands for. I FUCKING HATE my job. And at this point I might as well not even have one. I have ZERO...count them ZERO fucking hours on the next two schedules. And I was told that I have to be a fucking people greeter to get hours but if I get scheduled more than 50% in that position I have to take a fucking pay cut. Which is what is likely going to happen according to the evil sucubus bitch who is my boss. Fuck her.

I am sick and fucking tired of being screwed over. By everything and everyone. I am an honest hard working guy just trying to get by and I just get constantly shit on. I've done the best I can and worked my ass off for them and have gotten shafted over and over. And lied to. Their fucking politics make me physically ill. Walking into that place makes me physically ill. And just overall disgusted. To the point I left early today. I got chewed and lied to once more and after realizing they had enough people I lied to them and left. I can't handle it. I can't handle having to go to a place that sets me off to the point of BAD things happening. A place that just drags me lower and lower every time. But I have to stick it out until I can find something else. Anything else. I can't just not work.

Tomorrow I am going to go inquire about the transfer I put in for almost a month ago. Even though it would still be working for the fucking evil empire at least it would hopefully be with people who are a little more intelligent instead of the pool of fucking stupid rednecks I have to deal with now. And if that doesn't work I am going to spend the first week off (unless I get labor work I'm trying for) finding another job. At this point I don't give a shit what. Going to go to the career center downtown and see what they have. As long as I can maintain the income I make now - or should say have been making since I seem to be losing it. I have four more days to work until the zero hours start. Whoopdeefuckingdoo. I wonder if I can even manage that. I need the money but it is just so damn hard. Guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and bend over and take it for a few more days and then god willing find something better.

So that is enough rant for the moment. I am seeing fucking red. I guess I am going to just swallow a few more pills and just try to go numb. I don't want anything else to do with this day. I just want to sleep. So that is what I'm going to try to do. Sleep so I can get up early and see what I can get done. I am beyond fucking exhausted...mentally, emotionally, physically. And the last thing I want to do is break even more than I already have. Thanks life.

Fuck you Day 3

Rocky Horror

Last night I went with my roommate to meet some of his friends to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Tennessee Theater. I should mention that I also FINALLY got a haircut yesterday evening. And it looks really good. It is what I wanted and I got complimented on it by other friends after the show at Rodger's. Anyway...

I had never met any of my roommate's friends. He introduced me by my male name rather than the nickname he met me by to friend number one we met on the street who would take us to the rest of the group. We got to the restaurant and met the rest of the group and I was again introduced by my male name. Things seemed to be going well. Except for one hitch...the woman sitting across from me kept referring to me with female pronouns. The rest of the group was using male pronouns. Having never met these people before, I wasn't sure how to handle this situation exactly. So I let it slide. I am definitely still not used to correcting people. Especially people I don't know. I need to work on this.

Later when we got to the theater, one of the guys bought me a beer since I had no cash and it was a cash only bar. He said, "and whatever SHE wants." Strike two. We get into the auditorium and he has never been there and asks where the restroom is. I offer to show him (I had to go too) and he seemed just a bit weirded out when I followed him into the men's room. Oh well. Maybe he got the point then.

I sent my roommate (who was sitting next to me) a text saying, "I think I am confusing your friends. Getting mixed pronouns and not sure what to do about it." He responded that the first friend we met on the street apparently bitched out the woman sitting across from me at the table at dinner over the female pronouns. Interesting.

So while it seems that I am passing more and more these days, I am still confusing some. I had a woman this last week who I met with other friends down in Atlanta make a comment on my short hair (I was introduced by my male name). She said I would look really good with long hair. I told her I am trans. She said, "Male to female?" And I wasn't exactly sure what to do with that. Though I took it as a compliment and explained that she had it backwards. She didn't care one way or another she just thought I was a cool person.

I think my "tell" is my mouth. I have very feminine lips and a beauty mark on the left side. Nothing I can do about that. Otherwise my hair and everything else says "man". The only other thing I could think is my voice. Not sure.

I feel like a sort of odd social experiment these days. Every time I go out (except to work) I wonder who will pick what. Who will choose which set of pronouns even though I give a male name and present as such. It is an interesting feeling. But at the end of the day I am just me. A man born into a female body doing his best to be true to himself despite his given limitations.

Side note: the show was kind of a flop. The projector bulbs fucked up twice and though there was a shadow cast, their timing was pretty off. Otherwise it was just fun to be around a bunch of goofy people screaming random shit at a screen and throwing various objects all over the place at the appointed time. Hurling toilet paper in an auditorium is a definite win in my book.

Day 3



is a day I asked to spend with you. And I was turned down. So what happens? I dream about you. Not good dreams, but not nightmares. Concerning dreams. And towards the end one of your children was at risk of death. But she used her awesome intelligence and saved the day. It was horrible. When I woke up the first thing I wanted to do was call you. Call you to see of you are ok. Call you just to hear your voice for real because I heard it all night in my sleep.

It has been three weeks and some now I guess since I last saw you. I don't know the exact time. I would have to check the date on the speeding ticket I got on the way home from your house. But it feels like a lifetime. And to see your face all night in my sleep hurt. Since I can't see it in person. And I spent some time last night thinking about you while I was at work.

I was called outside to push buggies. While out lining up carts to put on the cart mule, I happened to look up and see a young couple sitting in their car. They were kissing. Not making out grotesquely but just sharing a loving, smiling kiss. And my heart sank. My stomach turned. And from that moment on all I could think about was the last distinct memory of kissing you. It's odd because it was not our last kiss. You were sitting in your car and had just let me out in my driveway. I was planning to come over (the last time I saw you) and you said, "Wait, maybe you should kiss me to make sure." We had spent the day with no physical contact. And I walked back over to your open window and leaned in. Put my hand on the back of your head and kissed you. And it felt amazing. All of the passion was there. The sparks. And for me the love. And something was very obviously there for you too.

The longer I thought about that kiss, the deeper my thoughts went. I started to wonder what it would be like to kiss you again. If I would ever kiss you again. I wondered if the opportunity arose if I would even want to kiss you. And if I did, would it feel anywhere near the same. I wondered if you would ever want to kiss me again. I thought about our first kiss at the bar the night we met. And I thought about so many of the kisses over the last 9 months. All the ones I could remember. I stared at my phone doing my best not to send you a text and realized that there are still pictures you have sent me saved there. So I looked at those. And I hurt. But it wasn't the sharp ugly pain. It was an extremely heavy ache. Which is what I feel as I am writing this.

Right now I wish I was with you. I wish I was on your couch with you pressed up against me, your body fitting perfectly with mine, your hair in my face with the TV on and my arms wrapped around your waist. I wish that you would turn your head towards me and shift your body and I would raise up on one arm a little and that we would kiss. That you would look into my eyes in just that way you do and move your mouth up to meet mine.

Maybe tonight in my dreams.

Day 2 Continues

Simple Things

Today (well I guess this is meant to be about yesterday too since it is after midnight) I am grateful for simple things in life. A warm shower. Clean sheets. Gas in my car. The undying love of the dog who is currently laying against my side, her nose at my elbow. A roof over my head. A job. A not shitty day at said job. A day off today. Decent food to eat. Things I seem to take for granted and overlook. I could continue this list with many more things but most are obvious.

I think right now the best thing for me is to focus on small, simple things. To take each day in small increments and break everything down into manageable pieces. Simple pieces. Pieces I can handle. The world has felt entirely too big and horribly overwhelming for quite some time now. And I think that is because I've looked too far ahead. I've played the "what if" game too much. I've taken things that were already simple and complicated them to the point of confusion and even pain. So it is back to basics.

I am proud of myself today for showering after work. For putting sheets on my bed. For at least a week now it seems I have been coming home dirty and falling into a bed with no sheets. In literal essence wallowing in my own filth and denying myself simple basic needs. Depression is to blame. When I get depressed I lose the desire and motivation to do simple things like keep myself and my surroundings clean. I just don't care. My hair is entirely too long as well and though I've been saying for weeks that I need a haircut I haven't actually gone to get one. I will remedy this some time this afternoon. I think that will help me to feel better about myself. And it is something simple. Maybe I will even get the laundry I washed a week ago folded and put away. Who knows. All I know is now it is down to one simple small step at a time. Simplicity in action and simplicity in thought. I think I can handle it.

Day 2


"But I believe in you."

A text from my mother.

My response: "Do you really? The true me? The whole me inside?"

Mom: "I love you. I want to encourage you. And I hope I have. Good night."

Me: "I'll take that as a no. Goodnight."

No response from her. Though she did encourage me, she also did a total 180 and ran from the conversation when I asked her that question. Dodged it completely. As she seems to do. Denial or full frontal attack are the two modes. This was a lovely addition to my day. Shot down again.

Maybe if I take enough pills I can muster up enough motivation to start faking happiness and then wake up one morning and find it has come true. Find that I don't have a crushed broken heart. Find that I don't hate my job. Find that I have a mother and family who support me for the real me. Find that I actually want to get some good rest because I'll have a day to look forward to. Find that I have the desire to get out of bed. Maybe I'll give a shit. But right now I'm going to settle for the pills and numb. I'd rather not feel much any time soon.

Day 1


214.3 Miles

I drove today in silence except for the wind from the windows, the occasional stir of my slumbering dog in the back seat and the rare buzz of a text message.

All I did was think. Think about how love - something that is supposed to be such a wonderful, happy, uplifting, positive, joyful thing - can be so miserable and cause so much pain. About how there is nothing in this world that hurts more than loving someone who will not accept or return love that is given. And how awful it is to not be able to stop loving that person. How the pain just endures despite the walls and shields thrown up around the heart. Because the pain is already there and the walls and shields won't do any good because the pain is already inside and already too much.

And now I have to think about how to relieve this pain. How to pick up what is left of the pieces of my heart and how to put them back together - if they can go back together at all. And I know for sure that if they do, my heart will never be the same. I have to figure out how to heal. How to move on. How to let go. And I hate these lessons. Because they hurt almost as much as the cause, if not more in some ways. And in the back of my mind I know it will just happen again. I will eventually just be broken again. I will open up my fragile heart and let someone in and give all I have to give and be shattered. Again. I just wonder how many times it will go this way until I finally find the one person who won't shatter me, or I just give up and go cold.



And so fucking lonely with a heart that is bruised and bleeding right now beyond my abilities of repair.

"What went right
What went wrong
Doesn't really matter much
When it's gone

Was it too hard to try
Was it too hard to lie
Did you just grow tired of hello and goodbye
Was it the naked truth that made you run
Where do I go now
That I'm down to one

Sooner or later
We all end up walking alone
I'm down to one

My heart is a traitor
It led me down this road
Now it's done
I'm down to one

I want to know where I failed
I want to know where I sinned
Cause I don't want to ever feel this way again
Was the wanting too deep
Did it block your sun
Where do I go now
That I'm down to one

I guess sooner or later
We all end up walking alone
I'm down to one

My heart is a traitor
It led me down this road
Now it's done
I'm down to one

What am I supposed to think
What am I gonna say
What did I ever know
About this love anyway

Down to one

My heart is a traitor
It led me down this road
And I'm down to one

I guess sooner or later
We all end up walking alone
I'm down to one
My heart is a traitor
And now it's done
Down to one
I'm down to one..."

- "Down To One" Melissa Etheridge


"Something Beautiful"

"In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
Something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
Something beautiful..."

- NeedToBreathe


Words on Love

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18

"Love is a constant state of letting go, of holding your hands outstretched to someone, but never cupping them to keep anything for yourself; hoping that they will pour themselves out in the same way, but knowing that it isn't a matter of reciprocity, but something we MUST do, because the way we love is who we are, not just some activity we engage in...

Love leads to pain a great deal of the time. Sometimes it leads to pain because we have chosen to care so much about someone else that their pain becomes, to an extent, our own. But too often, our attempts to love cause us pain because we love with the expectation of a return of that love, which is never assured...

...love is beautiful. Any true accounting of its nature, no matter how poor the words, can strike a chord within us that can only resonate against that self-sacrificial love which we are so perfectly suited to pursue, but trained by this world to ridicule and abuse." - D. Holt

My hands are still outstretched to you and now they are no longer cupped. I hold no expectation. I just love you for you. Plain, pure and simple.


Failed experiment and new declaration

So my Zyprexa experiment only worked for one day. I ended up wigging out at work again last night and doing something really fucking stupid. I won't go into details other than to say it wasn't work related and I am still employed. And this leads me to my new declaration and a new sort of "experiment" if you will...


A friend of mine said to me something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that I need to stop perpetuating my own drama. Duh. As simple a statement as that wasn't able to get through my head until recently. I have CONTROL over whether or not I participate in, start or further drama. What a concept. I haven't utilized this control at all for a while. It's like I forgot I had it. But in the end all I can control is MYSELF. I make my choices. I dictate my reactions and responses if any. I have the power of choice. I have the power of control. So I am going to take that power and use it. And my first use is going to be to STOP perpetuating drama. To STOP participating in drama. To STOP creating drama.

As of today I declare myself a DRAMA FREE ZONE.

I will keep my personal drama to myself or express it in non dramatic ways if it needs expression. I will not entertain anyone else's drama. I will not perpetuate drama from the past. I will leave it be. And I sure as damn well hell will not create any new drama. I am too tired and too old to be dealing with dramatic crap. Even though I've been the one creating it lately. So time to grow up. Stop the drama. Stop the drama. Stop the drama.

Today I stop the drama.

PS - If you are reading this (you know who you are) I apologize for all of the drama I have caused and perpetuated in your life. I am truly sorry. I mean this post and I will do my damn best to stick to it for me. And maybe somewhere down the road we can reconnect and be drama free. Take care of yourself and know that I miss you.



So today I tried an experiment. I figured since yesterday was so awful, why not give it a shot. I took a Zyprexa before work. And wow. What a marked difference. I feel soooo much better. I think this is a medicine I will be taking daily for a while during the day instead of as needed at night. Unlike Klonopin, it doesn't make me drowsy or otherwise klutzy and dumb. Though I was a little klutzy at work tonight, I just attribute it to fatigue.

It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.

I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.

And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...

"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte

"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer

I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.



I'm not much of a praying man...but...

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Because I sure as hell don't seem to know the difference.

C'est la vie

My wheels have touched ground. I guess it's time for a new round and for a broken heart to mend. Time to figure out how to be alone and ok. Time to figure out how to self-preserve. Time to really let go. And not look back. I'll miss you.

"I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around

And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky

Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

Now your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end

Well, you wanted something beautiful
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something better than
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)"

- Foo Fighters



"A lot of us (myself included obviously) have a tendency to let the needs of others supersede our own, and sometimes it becomes not a matter of selfishness or ego but instead of self-preservation to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of ourselves.

So take care of yourself. It's not only that you deserve it, but that you need it."

These are not my words. But these words keep ringing in my ears. Not these exactly but the variations of them I have heard over and over and over in the last year. And more often in recent months.

The problem: I don't really know how. It seems I've always had someone else to take care of. Or taken on someone else to take care of. Or it feels like I've usually been so sick and "crippled" someone has had to step in and take care of me. And if no one does I just crumble and eventually sweep up the pieces and tape them back together as best I can. And the "repaired" me is often ok for a while but worse for wear in the long run.

This is a shitty pattern that needs to stop. It is just so hard to stop it because I am truly a caring, giving person. I want to help others. I want to fix things. And in doing so and being this way I don't fix myself. I don't give myself the things I REALLY need. I fill voids with things I THINK I need. Sorta live vicariously I guess. Maybe I do this as an avoidance technique. Maybe I figure if I can support others and fix their shit then I won't have to deal with mine. That's a possibility but I don't think it is always the case.

I think it is mostly just ingrained from childhood. Having to parent one's parent kinda messes with priorities of growing up. Having to step up so early I'm not sure I ever got a fair chance to learn how to self preserve beyond fighting tooth and nail for things. Sure I learned REAL quick how to take care of myself on a base level - get up on time, brush my teeth, cook food, clean myself up, get myself to school and daycare and activities. But I never learned what it meant to really self-preserve beyond a base level. To self-preserve in positive, non-survival related ways. Plus, I figured why should anyone have to go through what I've been through or anything else for that matter without support when I can be of support? When I can step up and help shoulder some of the burden?

In my efforts to self-preserve, I am not going to just stop caring about others. But I am going to definitely make an effort to be much more aware of my personal boundaries regarding how much I care and what if anything I allow myself to become involved in. I am going to make it a goal of mine for the next week to take a minimum of half an hour out of each day and do something just for me. Gonna see how this works. A few things I have identified that can be just for me are: reading a book, learning a new song on guitar, writing somewhere other than here, spending time with my dog outside in the sunshine.

The trick is going to be doing this without feeling guilty for it. I have fought this so hard in the past and am still fighting it. I am always thinking in the back of my mind about all of the other things I "should" be doing or "could" be doing. Things that "need" to be done. So maybe first I'll take care of a small something that needs to be done (put up clean laundry, do a few dishes, straighten up a mess or something along these lines) so I can feel accomplished and then take the self-preservation time. Maybe this will work. I sure hope so.


Credit to a friend for putting this up on Facebook


Trailer for the documentary "For The Bible Tells Me So" a documentary reconciling Biblical scripture and homosexuality.

Gonna go try to rent it. Doubt I'll find it but I bet Netflix has it if I sign back up.


Tonight I miss you...

You are on my mind. Weighing heavy on my heart. Memories of you are flooding my brain. Your beautiful smile. Your free and contagious laughter. Your eyes and the look that has captured my heart so many times. The feel of your body wrapped in my arms. How your head feels lying on my shoulder. The way you are always on your toes. How your lips feel so soft against mine. And how the taste of your cherry lip gloss lingers on my mouth. How you hold onto me so tightly in that moment of bliss when we become one. Your nightgowns and how they feel against my skin. And how incredibly sexy you look in them. Your purple dress and how we were both still finding glitter in random places two weeks later. The way you sing along without abandon to whatever music is playing. The way you dance. So free and joyous. And how all I can do is stand and watch in awe until you pull me close and make me move with you. Your total randomness in conversation. And your matter of fact opinions and fantastic advice. Your undying love for your children. Hearing you read bed time stories to them at night. Seeing you be such a wonderful mother and the joy they bring you. And I could go on and on...

I wish so much that I could get these moments back. And I wish even more that there will be more down the road. But I have no guarantee. So for now I will hold on to what I have. And love you from a distance. A distance that I hope someday can shrink instead of widen as it seems to have done as of late. And that I won't have to miss you as I do now.

Because tonight...I miss you.