I drove today in silence except for the wind from the windows, the occasional stir of my slumbering dog in the back seat and the rare buzz of a text message.
All I did was think. Think about how love - something that is supposed to be such a wonderful, happy, uplifting, positive, joyful thing - can be so miserable and cause so much pain. About how there is nothing in this world that hurts more than loving someone who will not accept or return love that is given. And how awful it is to not be able to stop loving that person. How the pain just endures despite the walls and shields thrown up around the heart. Because the pain is already there and the walls and shields won't do any good because the pain is already inside and already too much.
And now I have to think about how to relieve this pain. How to pick up what is left of the pieces of my heart and how to put them back together - if they can go back together at all. And I know for sure that if they do, my heart will never be the same. I have to figure out how to heal. How to move on. How to let go. And I hate these lessons. Because they hurt almost as much as the cause, if not more in some ways. And in the back of my mind I know it will just happen again. I will eventually just be broken again. I will open up my fragile heart and let someone in and give all I have to give and be shattered. Again. I just wonder how many times it will go this way until I finally find the one person who won't shatter me, or I just give up and go cold.