What does one do with a life that has been filled with inconsistency, empty promises and hollow threats?



Well today is officially my birthday and what I am counting as the end of the year for me. Forget the last month. 2009 is OVER for me.

I am really not sure what to say about this year other than it has been quite an experience. A roller coaster of events and emotion both awesome and terrible. Also, that I am not sad to close the book on it and open a new one with some nice fresh clean pages to fill.

I am still standing. I've been beaten down but I'm healing. I haven't gone cold. I haven't gone bitter. I am not jaded. I still have no regrets.

I am thankful for being able to smile. Being able to laugh. Being able to love (even if it isn't returned). Thankful for being loved. Thankful for those who wish to share their lives with me and those who allow me to share my life with them. Most of all I am thankful that I can still learn. Life is full of lessons and the day I stop being able to learn them is the day I want to depart this world.

For now I'll gladly take a last look, close the cover, shelf the book on my 26th year of life. Time for a fresh start. Thank you higher power for a new year.


10 years

Since I last saw the psychiatrist I saw today. It was kind of odd trying to summarize the last ten years of my history - personal, medical, etc. She is a lot cooler than I remember and was fine when I told her about my transition. She even smiled when I told her how well my social transition has gone to this point. Lots of technical talk ensued about my medication history past and present and her conclusion was to add another medicine to my cocktail...

Apparently severe depression (like I have) can be unresponsive to antidepressants without the help of other medicines. Mood stabilizers seem to be the trick in cases like mine. I am already on one (it was given as an as needed but a few weeks ago I was told to take it regularly) and the new one she added should work well with the current one and the antidepressant I am taking. One is in the anti-psychotic family and the new one is an anti-convulsive. I have no idea exactly how these all work together but I trust her. She has been in practice for at least 10 years so I figure she knows what she is doing. Hopefully between the meds and regular therapy I can get back to a stable state and maybe even to a happy one.

On another note, I went to the local career center and got in with them. They immediately gave me three leads for new jobs and I dropped off an application for one first thing this morning before my appointment. It is a security job and I think it would be a good fit. I'm not in a place to be dealing with a lot of people one on one like in a front end retail position. I would prefer a more solitary assignment for the time being. I am keeping my fingers crossed that if this doesn't work out something else through the center will work out soon. I hope to have a new job by the beginning of the year. Work has been a huge trigger for me and that needs to change.

I'm starting to move my life in a better direction and it is taking these small steps that will get it going. One small step at a time. I can do it.


Please get

the hell out of my dreams damn it all. This is frustrating beyond measure. ARGH.


"Mamma I'm strange...

The thoughts and the wants are the locks on the back of my brain.
I'm descending, pretending I'm blending I'm going insane...
And they want me to change...
Mamma I'm strange."

- Melissa Etheridge


If I had the money

to buy new stuff...I would pile all of my worldly possessions save very precious few and pour gasoline on them and light a match and watch them burn. Because you have touched them all. And I want you gone.


I dreamed

about you last night. It was one of THOSE dreams too. And the weirdest part about the whole thing is that you called me by my given name. A name you've never used towards me purposefully. Especially during that particular act. I tried to correct you but for some reason I couldn't. Who knows. Dreams are fucked up anyway.

On another totally unrelated note: I had my follow up for my blood work for T. He told me everything looks good and I am set to go as soon as I have a letter. He said my new psychiatrist (will see her a week from today) could write the letter for me as well as the therapist he mentioned. So I have two possibilities for HRT letters. My concern is whether or not I'll be able to afford it. I don't know how much T costs and I have no insurance. So even with the letter it could be put on hold. It seems if I got insurance after I started that it would be a pre-existing condition and wouldn't be covered. Apparently this is tricky business. I could ask the support group but they pissed me off pretty badly. I asked them to remove me from their list but they haven't and I am still receiving emails. I wonder if I went to the meeting if they would say anything shitty. Guess the only way to know is to find out.


Today I wish memories could be selectively picked out and deleted forever like files on a computer. Or at least be thrown away like yesterday's trash and taken to a dump where they can rot and not be gotten back without some SERIOUS and disgusting effort. Maybe someday...



For the last two work shifts I have been a door greeter out in the lawn and garden center. It is seriously boring. About the only thing that keeps me entertained are the birds that have made the outdoor covered area their home. They are particularly colorful around eight to nine in the morning. Lots of chirping and flitting about. And today while sitting there alone (except for the birds) I got to thinking...thinking about what the birds are thinking. Thinking about general bird life.

Do birds get involved in abusive relationships? Do they harp on their mate? Call each other bad names? Say shitty things to each other like, "Leave me alone you fucking psycho. I mean it. I will never love you so get over it and get a life."? Do they lie? Do they cheat on each other? Are they manipulative? Selfish? Violent? Rude? Abrasive? Do they tear each other down over and over? Play mind games? Use each other? Do they feel regret? Remorse? Hate? Do they experience heartbreak? Suffer harsh loneliness?

I wonder. I wonder what goes on in their little worlds. It all seems so simple for them. Fly here. Pick this up. Build a nest. Lay some eggs. Eat. Shit. Etc. I started wishing for a minute that I was a bird. That for a moment I could join their little world and see what really goes on. See if they feel any of the things we as humans do. And it got me to thinking about recent feelings I've had. And why. And about why people do what they do.

Why is it that people have the capacity to be so fucking cruel and evil? Why is it we hurt each other purposefully? What is the draw to cause pain? Why do we fall out of love? Or in love? Why do we have to create and experience such awful atrocities as war, murder, rape, abuse, etc? Why do some people's hearts shut off and go cold while others stay warm and bleed pain? Why does the outstretched hand get chopped off? Warmth and love rejected? What possesses people to be stupid assholes? I mean seriously. Seriously. I want to know. I want to know why good people get shit on by the world while the fucktards rule supreme. Why can't it be simple and clear cut...and nice. All I ask for is a little fucking nice. Argh. A little warmth. A little compassion. Some light in the dark cloud that seems ever present.

And all of these thoughts inspired by birds in a garden center.


"Who says..."

I can't be free? / From all the things I used to be / Rewrite my history. / Who says I can't be free?" - John Mayer

Today I choose freedom. Freedom from bullshit. Freedom from abuse. Freedom from crazy fucked up people. Freedom from the pain I have been bearing for no good reason. Freedom from all the chains that have held me down mentally and emotionally. Today I choose to be free. I hope this choice will hold through for a good long while as I write my future.


"Low Rising"

"I wanna sit you down and talk
I wanna pull back the veils
And find out what it is I´ve done wrong
I wanna tear these curtains down
I want you to meet me somewhere
Tonight in this old tourist town
And we´ll go

Low rising
´Cause we´ve gotta come up
We´ve gotta come up
Low rising
´Cause I fear we´ve had enough
Low rising
´Cause there´s no further for us to fall
Low rising
Oh for the love of you

I wanna take you to the rock
I wanna jump right in
And see what that big ocean´s got
I wanna turn this thing around
I wanna drink with you
All night till we both fall down
Till we go

Low rising
´Cause we´ve gotta come up
We´ve gotta come up
Low rising
´Cause there´s no further for us to fall
Low rising
And I fear we´ve had enough
Low rising
Oh for the love of you

Low rising
´Cause we´ve gotta come up
We´ve gotta come up
Low rising
And I fear we´ve had enough
Low rising
´Cause there´s no further for us to fall
Low Rising
Oh for the love of you

For the love of you

Low rising low rising

I wanna sit you down and talk

I wanna sit you down and talk about it now"

- Swell Season

Day 10