Presence

"The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Words I should take to heart. I have been lacking in the mindfulness department for a while it seems. And for this I am sorry. I will do my best to be more in tune and aware and put forth a positive presence for not only those I love, but for all.

A Conversation of Sorts

"...There is a powerful delegation in us that lobbies every moment for contentment. How will you ever find peace unless you yield to love?..." - Rabia

"Where do you find those willing to yield to love in all of its imperfectness?" - Me

"Rumi says: 'Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.' ... It seems the hardest part is the internal work of our own hearts, and knowing that all the fears and flaws, and the courage to look at them, are part of the perfection." - A friend

One person in particular comes to mind when I think about this. They have built up so many barriers within that they have shut out love almost completely except from very very few. And it almost seems they are proud of it. They refuse to look at the fears and flaws and just seem to accept that love for them is out of reach completely. To me this is extremely sad. I for one would hate to be this way. To shut myself off from all the good that love can bring and all the good that it is. To go cold. I would rather take love and all the pain that can come with it than spend a loveless life alone. I hope this person can seek and find all of their barriers. I really do.

One last piece of food for thought on the subject from dearly departed Mother Theresa:
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."

"What makes me think...

I could start clean slated? The hardest to learn was the least complicated." - Emily Sailers

Welcome

2010. May you bring me positive change. I am in dire need. Thanks.

The new year approaches

and I have absolutely no words to describe how fuckin shitty this year has been. If and/or when I do I'll let ya know. For now: FUCK YOU 2009.

"Untouchable Face"

My answer to Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" just for you...

"think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much..."

Thank you Ani Difranco

27

Well today is officially my birthday and what I am counting as the end of the year for me. Forget the last month. 2009 is OVER for me.

I am really not sure what to say about this year other than it has been quite an experience. A roller coaster of events and emotion both awesome and terrible. Also, that I am not sad to close the book on it and open a new one with some nice fresh clean pages to fill.

I am still standing. I've been beaten down but I'm healing. I haven't gone cold. I haven't gone bitter. I am not jaded. I still have no regrets.

I am thankful for being able to smile. Being able to laugh. Being able to love (even if it isn't returned). Thankful for being loved. Thankful for those who wish to share their lives with me and those who allow me to share my life with them. Most of all I am thankful that I can still learn. Life is full of lessons and the day I stop being able to learn them is the day I want to depart this world.

For now I'll gladly take a last look, close the cover, shelf the book on my 26th year of life. Time for a fresh start. Thank you higher power for a new year.

"Who says..."

I can't be free? / From all the things I used to be / Rewrite my history. / Who says I can't be free?" - John Mayer

Today I choose freedom. Freedom from bullshit. Freedom from abuse. Freedom from crazy fucked up people. Freedom from the pain I have been bearing for no good reason. Freedom from all the chains that have held me down mentally and emotionally. Today I choose to be free. I hope this choice will hold through for a good long while as I write my future.

"Whatever it is...

that pulls the pin, that hurls you past the boundaries of your own life into a brief and total beauty, even for a moment, it is enough." Jeanette Winterson

I am forever searching for that something to pull my pin. It just seems to be elusive. *sigh*

Day 7 (morning)

Simple Things

Today (well I guess this is meant to be about yesterday too since it is after midnight) I am grateful for simple things in life. A warm shower. Clean sheets. Gas in my car. The undying love of the dog who is currently laying against my side, her nose at my elbow. A roof over my head. A job. A not shitty day at said job. A day off today. Decent food to eat. Things I seem to take for granted and overlook. I could continue this list with many more things but most are obvious.

I think right now the best thing for me is to focus on small, simple things. To take each day in small increments and break everything down into manageable pieces. Simple pieces. Pieces I can handle. The world has felt entirely too big and horribly overwhelming for quite some time now. And I think that is because I've looked too far ahead. I've played the "what if" game too much. I've taken things that were already simple and complicated them to the point of confusion and even pain. So it is back to basics.

I am proud of myself today for showering after work. For putting sheets on my bed. For at least a week now it seems I have been coming home dirty and falling into a bed with no sheets. In literal essence wallowing in my own filth and denying myself simple basic needs. Depression is to blame. When I get depressed I lose the desire and motivation to do simple things like keep myself and my surroundings clean. I just don't care. My hair is entirely too long as well and though I've been saying for weeks that I need a haircut I haven't actually gone to get one. I will remedy this some time this afternoon. I think that will help me to feel better about myself. And it is something simple. Maybe I will even get the laundry I washed a week ago folded and put away. Who knows. All I know is now it is down to one simple small step at a time. Simplicity in action and simplicity in thought. I think I can handle it.

Day 2

"Something Beautiful"

"In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
Something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
Something beautiful..."

- NeedToBreathe

Experiment

So today I tried an experiment. I figured since yesterday was so awful, why not give it a shot. I took a Zyprexa before work. And wow. What a marked difference. I feel soooo much better. I think this is a medicine I will be taking daily for a while during the day instead of as needed at night. Unlike Klonopin, it doesn't make me drowsy or otherwise klutzy and dumb. Though I was a little klutzy at work tonight, I just attribute it to fatigue.

It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.

I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.

And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...

"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte

"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer

I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.

C'est la vie

My wheels have touched ground. I guess it's time for a new round and for a broken heart to mend. Time to figure out how to be alone and ok. Time to figure out how to self-preserve. Time to really let go. And not look back. I'll miss you.


"I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around

And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky

Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

Now your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end

Well, you wanted something beautiful
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something better than
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Oh!

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)"

- Foo Fighters

Credit to a friend for putting this up on Facebook

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBR0dq0XXk

Trailer for the documentary "For The Bible Tells Me So" a documentary reconciling Biblical scripture and homosexuality.

Gonna go try to rent it. Doubt I'll find it but I bet Netflix has it if I sign back up.

Tonight I miss you...

You are on my mind. Weighing heavy on my heart. Memories of you are flooding my brain. Your beautiful smile. Your free and contagious laughter. Your eyes and the look that has captured my heart so many times. The feel of your body wrapped in my arms. How your head feels lying on my shoulder. The way you are always on your toes. How your lips feel so soft against mine. And how the taste of your cherry lip gloss lingers on my mouth. How you hold onto me so tightly in that moment of bliss when we become one. Your nightgowns and how they feel against my skin. And how incredibly sexy you look in them. Your purple dress and how we were both still finding glitter in random places two weeks later. The way you sing along without abandon to whatever music is playing. The way you dance. So free and joyous. And how all I can do is stand and watch in awe until you pull me close and make me move with you. Your total randomness in conversation. And your matter of fact opinions and fantastic advice. Your undying love for your children. Hearing you read bed time stories to them at night. Seeing you be such a wonderful mother and the joy they bring you. And I could go on and on...

I wish so much that I could get these moments back. And I wish even more that there will be more down the road. But I have no guarantee. So for now I will hold on to what I have. And love you from a distance. A distance that I hope someday can shrink instead of widen as it seems to have done as of late. And that I won't have to miss you as I do now.

Because tonight...I miss you.

I answered my own question

Yes anger and apathy can mix. Because I am now angry and I don't give a flying fuck about it. Whoop dee fucking doo.

Curiosity

Can anger and apathy mix??

Apathy

I am so mixed up inside right now it isn't funny. I am torn between being happy, pissed, sad, jealous, exhausted, compassionate and apathetic. So out of all of these I guess I choose apathy. Seems like the easiest way out. If I don't care I can't get hurt. That is my protection. That is my new MO. I don't care. Let the shit come. I don't care. Let the good come. I don't care. Let the world explode into a billion tiny pieces. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Got it?

Empty

I never really thought I would say that I am empty. It seems that I can hit the bottom of the bottom and still from somewhere I manage to draw strength to carry on. Well this time I think I've run out.

And the funny thing is...I'm not at the bottom of the bottom. Just the bottom. Still feel fucking stuck. Spinning wheels with no forward motion. Back and forth - round and round. Still seeking change.

Today I lose my therapist to maternity leave. And now I feel like I will truly have no one to talk to. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. I guess I should at least make my last session a bang. Lord knows I have enough to talk about. But truly what good will it do? I'll just have to fucking start over. Again. For the millionth time in my life. And I'm sick of it.

My current "in the works" solution is to get a tattoo. Guess it is a sort of masochism. Not sure I can go today to shop for an artist, but I will go tomorrow and make some inquiries. I have always been seeking a permanent reminder. Sure I have scars. But they fade. Ink seems to be the most durable. It can be touched up.

So maybe with a permanent reminder on my body I won't feel so empty. I won't feel so stuck. I won't feel so lost. I will be able to look in the mirror and see something that says, "Hey asshole this is who you are and you're still here. So keep going."

For now though I will try to plug the drain so I don't overly deplete.

Lessons to be learned...

So it seems once again I am faced with two lessons I still have yet to learn: picking my battles and knowing when to walk away. And I have recently failed MISERABLY at both. The result: physical and emotional pain, humiliation, shame, regret. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and now I look back and realize that if I'd just let it slide and walked away I could have avoided the massive explosion that occurred. And I was even being pushed to do so. But I didn't. Why? That is something I've been doing a lot of thinking on lately. Here is what I've come up with...

I am a born fighter. I am also a programmed fighter. I have spent my whole life watching those around me battle over things great and small with the ones they love. And I have spent my whole life battling over things great and small with the ones I love. And for what? Well there are a lot of reasons - to win, to prove a point, to protect/defend myself, for sheer spite, to be an asshole. The programming comes into play in how I fight (and believe me I've learned from the best): I go straight for what hurts the other person the most. I figure if I can shut them down in one blow I win and it's over. Wrong. Has any of it worked? Historically, obviously, no. So why do I keep it up? Habit. Force of fucking habit.

I read somewhere once that it takes 28 days to form a habit. And it can take a lifetime to break a habit. This is a habit I must break. Instead of fight I need another option. I'm not built for flight and I don't believe in running away. I guess I need to learn how to find a middle ground. Learn how to balance the fight with some common sense and clarity. Learn how to stop and take a deep breath and count to 10 in the heat of it before I go straight for the jugular and ask myself, "What result will I get if I attack and is it truly worth it?" If I had done this recently I wouldn't be where I'm at now. If I'd done this in the past things would be different. But, alas, I've walked the road to this point and here I am once again feeling like a total fuck up and on the verge of losing someone I care for deeply. Someone I love. All because I couldn't let go. Couldn't walk away. Couldn't be a stronger man. Couldn't break the cycle. And really, honestly, in a lot of ways I haven't been aware of the cycle. But now that I have identified it, I sure as hell am going to make a very concerted effort to put it to a halt.

I am so deeply sorry. There is no excuse for my behavior. And it will stop. I promise. Change is here.