I hit a big ass bump in the road and...

After a trip to the ER and a three day stay in a crisis stabilization unit I have had a new medicine added to my cocktail and have gotten a shot in the ass. Unfortunately, it wasn't the shot I wanted. The syringe was full of Depo Prevara. Apparently I have PMDD. All kinds of awesome. Hopefully the Depo will do what my doctor says it will do and actually stop my periods. Guess this will have to do until I can get approved for T.

As for the new meds, they put me on Zyprexa. So far it seems to be working. The most common side effect reported seems to be weight gain. And it looks like that is the truth for Depo too. Hopefully by staying active I can ward off the pounds I've worked to lose.

Work is sucking at the moment. My hours went from about 34/wk to 8/wk. I've had a few discussions with different members of management and have reached no resolution and have been given no explanation as to why this occurred. Hopefully I can get some answers when I go back for my one day this coming week. In the meantime I am going to explore other options and avenues. The people at the CSU actually mentioned to me that they want me to come back to at least volunteer as a peer counselor if not take a job with them. Go figure. I also need to follow up on a few apps I put in a while ago just out of curiosity.

So that's what has been going on the last week. I feel better. So that is a plus. I feel like I've sorta switched mental directions while my eyes have been opened to a few things. I will write more on this when I have more time and the inspiration strikes. For now I am going to enjoy my weekend.


Lessons to be learned...

So it seems once again I am faced with two lessons I still have yet to learn: picking my battles and knowing when to walk away. And I have recently failed MISERABLY at both. The result: physical and emotional pain, humiliation, shame, regret. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and now I look back and realize that if I'd just let it slide and walked away I could have avoided the massive explosion that occurred. And I was even being pushed to do so. But I didn't. Why? That is something I've been doing a lot of thinking on lately. Here is what I've come up with...

I am a born fighter. I am also a programmed fighter. I have spent my whole life watching those around me battle over things great and small with the ones they love. And I have spent my whole life battling over things great and small with the ones I love. And for what? Well there are a lot of reasons - to win, to prove a point, to protect/defend myself, for sheer spite, to be an asshole. The programming comes into play in how I fight (and believe me I've learned from the best): I go straight for what hurts the other person the most. I figure if I can shut them down in one blow I win and it's over. Wrong. Has any of it worked? Historically, obviously, no. So why do I keep it up? Habit. Force of fucking habit.

I read somewhere once that it takes 28 days to form a habit. And it can take a lifetime to break a habit. This is a habit I must break. Instead of fight I need another option. I'm not built for flight and I don't believe in running away. I guess I need to learn how to find a middle ground. Learn how to balance the fight with some common sense and clarity. Learn how to stop and take a deep breath and count to 10 in the heat of it before I go straight for the jugular and ask myself, "What result will I get if I attack and is it truly worth it?" If I had done this recently I wouldn't be where I'm at now. If I'd done this in the past things would be different. But, alas, I've walked the road to this point and here I am once again feeling like a total fuck up and on the verge of losing someone I care for deeply. Someone I love. All because I couldn't let go. Couldn't walk away. Couldn't be a stronger man. Couldn't break the cycle. And really, honestly, in a lot of ways I haven't been aware of the cycle. But now that I have identified it, I sure as hell am going to make a very concerted effort to put it to a halt.

I am so deeply sorry. There is no excuse for my behavior. And it will stop. I promise. Change is here.


Black & Blue

Is my eye, my lip, my pride and my heart. So be it. It's my fault.