"But I believe in you."

A text from my mother.

My response: "Do you really? The true me? The whole me inside?"

Mom: "I love you. I want to encourage you. And I hope I have. Good night."

Me: "I'll take that as a no. Goodnight."

No response from her. Though she did encourage me, she also did a total 180 and ran from the conversation when I asked her that question. Dodged it completely. As she seems to do. Denial or full frontal attack are the two modes. This was a lovely addition to my day. Shot down again.

Maybe if I take enough pills I can muster up enough motivation to start faking happiness and then wake up one morning and find it has come true. Find that I don't have a crushed broken heart. Find that I don't hate my job. Find that I have a mother and family who support me for the real me. Find that I actually want to get some good rest because I'll have a day to look forward to. Find that I have the desire to get out of bed. Maybe I'll give a shit. But right now I'm going to settle for the pills and numb. I'd rather not feel much any time soon.

Day 1