9/29/09
I answered my own question
Yes anger and apathy can mix. Because I am now angry and I don't give a flying fuck about it. Whoop dee fucking doo.
Apathy
I am so mixed up inside right now it isn't funny. I am torn between being happy, pissed, sad, jealous, exhausted, compassionate and apathetic. So out of all of these I guess I choose apathy. Seems like the easiest way out. If I don't care I can't get hurt. That is my protection. That is my new MO. I don't care. Let the shit come. I don't care. Let the good come. I don't care. Let the world explode into a billion tiny pieces. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Got it?
9/28/09
Anger
Anger is an issue I have had to deal with my whole life. As early as grade school I had outbursts of rage (sometimes sudden and blind) to the point where I did physical damage to property: kicked holes in walls, broke doors (kicked them in), smashed various objects. I spent a lot of allowance money on drywall for a good while. Once, in high school, I threw a chair at a glass door and oddly the chair broke. My intention was to shatter the door. But later I succeeded in the same task just in a different way. Though as I've gotten older, my tendency is to just turn the anger inward. I take the physical out on myself in the form of punching objects I cannot break - walls, doors, furniture - to leave bruises (I have almost broken my hand a number of times) and hitting myself repeatedly in the face to the point I have black eyes. And even occasionally I have cut myself in anger. And to be clear - I am nowhere near proud of this.
For me, anger that comes out towards other people is always verbal. I have never struck another person in anger unless I was struck first. And even then, my striking back has been rare and always in defense. I usually take the hit and just keep screaming or threaten to hit back and that usually shuts the other person down. My anger towards others comes in words...extremely harsh and hateful, straight to the jugular words.
I have learned to control the anger inside me a little better over time and it has dulled some. But it still dwells within me. I still harbor a lot of anger towards my mother for my upbringing. And I currently hold anger towards her for remarks and actions made in the recent past. There is anger towards other family members as well in regards to their shitty reactions to my transition. I am also currently angry with myself for some recent incidents and failures in areas where I was striving for success. And unfortunately, in the last year I have engaged in some of the actions listed above as recently as this past week. I have a bruise on my wrist from hitting my steering wheel and cuts on my left shoulder.
I have been in and out of therapy for the past twelve years. When I was fifteen I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Within the last few months I went to the ER and then to a crisis stabilization unit for three days to keep myself from having to go inpatient. I have been on 10 different psychiatric medicines on and off in different combinations over this time as well (currently on 3). Though I've never been told I need anger management classes. Never have really, truly, addressed the issues of my anger head on in the context of the anger and not the situation. If that makes any sense.
Looking back, some of my major life decisions have been made out of some form of anger and/or rebellion. Some to my good, some to my detriment. My choice to fail miserably in high school was to spite my mother's overbearing and controlling perfectionism she was bound and determined to force on me (and did since I can remember). My choice to go to the college I went to was to piss off my family (they're all in health care and I went to music school) and to get as far away from my mother as physically possible because being anywhere near her just pissed me off. We were totally unable to coexist in any peaceful or healthy manner. And we still aren't. I have let anger control me in these and other ways.
I have had family members accuse me of harboring massive amounts of anger towards my mother, though they do not and cannot ever know the true extent of the abusive upbringing I had. Or the abuse I endured through college. Or the shit I have gotten from her within the last few months. And I have family members now accusing me of transitioning just to piss them off and fuck with them. They say I am doing it out of spite and because I am just so mad at them. I want to fuck with them. Because I'm angry. And if I could only let go of the anger I wouldn't have to change.
The truth is my choice and need to transition has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with anger towards anyone. Though I am angry at my lot in life. Angry that I was born into a body that I have never been able to like, let alone fully accept and that doesn't reflect the individual I am inside (though I'm getting closer). But I have accepted that I am who I am. And now that I have done that and taken steps towards seeking medical assistance in correcting the physical issues, that anger is fading and I can honestly say that I am happier with myself more than I have ever been. Though it is nowhere near an easy process, I have hope.
I would say my biggest issue with anger is that I have often unknowingly bottled it up for too long. I think I've let it go, but I really haven't. And then it just explodes. And the things I am not proud of happen. I become destructive. Thankfully these episodes have become fewer and farther apart, but they are still happening and they need to be addressed. I don't bottle it up for too long now so much as I just explode. And this is NOT a good thing.
Anger is an extremely powerful emotion and one that needs to be handled appropriately or it can be devastatingly dangerous and even fatal. I have seen people do and say some unspeakably horrid things out of anger. I have seen people crumble physically and emotionally in the grip of anger. And I too have said and done things out of anger that I wish to god every day I could take back. The seed becomes planted and it is so tempting to let it grow. To nurture it. Because, damn it all, you have a right to be angry. And it can feel good. It can feel powerful. But it isn't healthy.
I have come to realize that anger is a mask. A wall to hide other underlying emotions like fear, hurt, guilt, shame, despair, etc. And that expressing anger in such ways as I've listed above just solidifies and reaffirms the anger and often encourages it to escalate. And because of the short term high anger can offer, it can become addictive. I have experienced this myself.
I have figured that if I stay angry, I won't have to deal with what is causing the anger. Won't have to deal with the REAL issue. I figure if I punch a wall I can let the anger out. And it feels good. It makes the anger visible. I can see the bruises and watch them heal. But the anger that caused the bruises often still remains under the surface masking the issues that got me angry in the first place.
I have decided that now is the time to address the anger itself and how I handle it. To address the issues causing the anger instead of just being angry. To tackle some tough ass stuff one piece at a time so I can stop the cycle of unhealthy, destructive behavior. So I can let some of it go. Because I haven't been able to do so to this point. And one of my steps is to call in the morning and make a therapy appointment so I can get the ball rolling. I've addressed some of the issues but not nearly all of them and definitely not to the extent that they need to be addressed. I am tired of letting anger get the better of me. Tired of the physical and emotional distress it causes. Tired of looking at the bruises and scars. It's time to take off the mask and really look at what is underneath.
For me, anger that comes out towards other people is always verbal. I have never struck another person in anger unless I was struck first. And even then, my striking back has been rare and always in defense. I usually take the hit and just keep screaming or threaten to hit back and that usually shuts the other person down. My anger towards others comes in words...extremely harsh and hateful, straight to the jugular words.
I have learned to control the anger inside me a little better over time and it has dulled some. But it still dwells within me. I still harbor a lot of anger towards my mother for my upbringing. And I currently hold anger towards her for remarks and actions made in the recent past. There is anger towards other family members as well in regards to their shitty reactions to my transition. I am also currently angry with myself for some recent incidents and failures in areas where I was striving for success. And unfortunately, in the last year I have engaged in some of the actions listed above as recently as this past week. I have a bruise on my wrist from hitting my steering wheel and cuts on my left shoulder.
I have been in and out of therapy for the past twelve years. When I was fifteen I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Within the last few months I went to the ER and then to a crisis stabilization unit for three days to keep myself from having to go inpatient. I have been on 10 different psychiatric medicines on and off in different combinations over this time as well (currently on 3). Though I've never been told I need anger management classes. Never have really, truly, addressed the issues of my anger head on in the context of the anger and not the situation. If that makes any sense.
Looking back, some of my major life decisions have been made out of some form of anger and/or rebellion. Some to my good, some to my detriment. My choice to fail miserably in high school was to spite my mother's overbearing and controlling perfectionism she was bound and determined to force on me (and did since I can remember). My choice to go to the college I went to was to piss off my family (they're all in health care and I went to music school) and to get as far away from my mother as physically possible because being anywhere near her just pissed me off. We were totally unable to coexist in any peaceful or healthy manner. And we still aren't. I have let anger control me in these and other ways.
I have had family members accuse me of harboring massive amounts of anger towards my mother, though they do not and cannot ever know the true extent of the abusive upbringing I had. Or the abuse I endured through college. Or the shit I have gotten from her within the last few months. And I have family members now accusing me of transitioning just to piss them off and fuck with them. They say I am doing it out of spite and because I am just so mad at them. I want to fuck with them. Because I'm angry. And if I could only let go of the anger I wouldn't have to change.
The truth is my choice and need to transition has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with anger towards anyone. Though I am angry at my lot in life. Angry that I was born into a body that I have never been able to like, let alone fully accept and that doesn't reflect the individual I am inside (though I'm getting closer). But I have accepted that I am who I am. And now that I have done that and taken steps towards seeking medical assistance in correcting the physical issues, that anger is fading and I can honestly say that I am happier with myself more than I have ever been. Though it is nowhere near an easy process, I have hope.
I would say my biggest issue with anger is that I have often unknowingly bottled it up for too long. I think I've let it go, but I really haven't. And then it just explodes. And the things I am not proud of happen. I become destructive. Thankfully these episodes have become fewer and farther apart, but they are still happening and they need to be addressed. I don't bottle it up for too long now so much as I just explode. And this is NOT a good thing.
Anger is an extremely powerful emotion and one that needs to be handled appropriately or it can be devastatingly dangerous and even fatal. I have seen people do and say some unspeakably horrid things out of anger. I have seen people crumble physically and emotionally in the grip of anger. And I too have said and done things out of anger that I wish to god every day I could take back. The seed becomes planted and it is so tempting to let it grow. To nurture it. Because, damn it all, you have a right to be angry. And it can feel good. It can feel powerful. But it isn't healthy.
I have come to realize that anger is a mask. A wall to hide other underlying emotions like fear, hurt, guilt, shame, despair, etc. And that expressing anger in such ways as I've listed above just solidifies and reaffirms the anger and often encourages it to escalate. And because of the short term high anger can offer, it can become addictive. I have experienced this myself.
I have figured that if I stay angry, I won't have to deal with what is causing the anger. Won't have to deal with the REAL issue. I figure if I punch a wall I can let the anger out. And it feels good. It makes the anger visible. I can see the bruises and watch them heal. But the anger that caused the bruises often still remains under the surface masking the issues that got me angry in the first place.
I have decided that now is the time to address the anger itself and how I handle it. To address the issues causing the anger instead of just being angry. To tackle some tough ass stuff one piece at a time so I can stop the cycle of unhealthy, destructive behavior. So I can let some of it go. Because I haven't been able to do so to this point. And one of my steps is to call in the morning and make a therapy appointment so I can get the ball rolling. I've addressed some of the issues but not nearly all of them and definitely not to the extent that they need to be addressed. I am tired of letting anger get the better of me. Tired of the physical and emotional distress it causes. Tired of looking at the bruises and scars. It's time to take off the mask and really look at what is underneath.
Today I am OK
After a day of grief, I think I am doing better. Maybe it is the pills. Maybe it is the sunshine. But I'm doing better. I have some good things to look forward to and to hope for.
To name one: I applied for a work transfer. I spoke to my store manager and explained my situation and he said he would approve it. I also took the supervisory assessment and passed it. Both stores I am interested in transferring to have open positions in this area. So maybe next week I will get a call saying, "Hey we want you to come and take this position." This could mean full time status and benefits. Which would mean more money. And also hopefully, day shift hours. Though I don't want to work for the Evil Empire forever, I will climb the ladder I'm on for now until a better one comes along.
To name another: though I have been a hormonal mess (the Depo shot didn't do a damn thing it was supposed to), my doctor did a battery of blood work to test for different things. Hopefully I will get some answers as to why my body is such a mess. Why my chemistry seems so bound and determined to fuck with me in bad ways. And not only that, I got a chance to further discuss with her my goals concerning transitioning. Though she said she isn't comfortable prescribing me T (she has never had a trans patient), she said she would do her best to find out more about it and possibly someone else who deals in such matters and refer me. I also have a friend who is a transman who has been on T for 2 years that offered to speak to his doctor about me and ask if they would be willing to contact my doctor.
One more: I get paid on Thursday. And that is never a bad thing.
So despite some turmoil I am choosing to focus on the positive things and positive potentials I have in my life right now. And to move forward. I am choosing to be ok, though I would prefer happy. And I hope happy will come soon. For now I'll take ok.
To name one: I applied for a work transfer. I spoke to my store manager and explained my situation and he said he would approve it. I also took the supervisory assessment and passed it. Both stores I am interested in transferring to have open positions in this area. So maybe next week I will get a call saying, "Hey we want you to come and take this position." This could mean full time status and benefits. Which would mean more money. And also hopefully, day shift hours. Though I don't want to work for the Evil Empire forever, I will climb the ladder I'm on for now until a better one comes along.
To name another: though I have been a hormonal mess (the Depo shot didn't do a damn thing it was supposed to), my doctor did a battery of blood work to test for different things. Hopefully I will get some answers as to why my body is such a mess. Why my chemistry seems so bound and determined to fuck with me in bad ways. And not only that, I got a chance to further discuss with her my goals concerning transitioning. Though she said she isn't comfortable prescribing me T (she has never had a trans patient), she said she would do her best to find out more about it and possibly someone else who deals in such matters and refer me. I also have a friend who is a transman who has been on T for 2 years that offered to speak to his doctor about me and ask if they would be willing to contact my doctor.
One more: I get paid on Thursday. And that is never a bad thing.
So despite some turmoil I am choosing to focus on the positive things and positive potentials I have in my life right now. And to move forward. I am choosing to be ok, though I would prefer happy. And I hope happy will come soon. For now I'll take ok.
9/25/09
"The boy with the weight of the world in his hands..."
He won't recover from his losses,
He's not chosen this path, but he watches who it crosses
Maybe move to the right, maybe move to the left
So we can all see his pain he wears like a banner on his chest
And we all say it's sad, and we think it's a shame
And he's called to our attention, but we do not call his name,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
And we're busy with our happiness, busy with our plans
I wonder if alone he wants it taken from his hands
But if things didn't get any harder
He might miss his sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead
will grant him consolation when he counts upon his need
It makes us all angry though we feign to care
But who will be the scale to weigh the cross he has to bear,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
"Is the glass half-full or empty?" I ask him as I fill it
He said it doesn't really matter, pretty soon you're bound to spill it.
With the half logic language of the sermon he delivers
And the way he smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers
I pull the blanket higher when I'm finally safe at home
And he'll take a hundred with him, but he always sleeps alone,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
Lyrics by Emily Sailers (pronouns changed)
He's not chosen this path, but he watches who it crosses
Maybe move to the right, maybe move to the left
So we can all see his pain he wears like a banner on his chest
And we all say it's sad, and we think it's a shame
And he's called to our attention, but we do not call his name,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
And we're busy with our happiness, busy with our plans
I wonder if alone he wants it taken from his hands
But if things didn't get any harder
He might miss his sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead
will grant him consolation when he counts upon his need
It makes us all angry though we feign to care
But who will be the scale to weigh the cross he has to bear,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
"Is the glass half-full or empty?" I ask him as I fill it
He said it doesn't really matter, pretty soon you're bound to spill it.
With the half logic language of the sermon he delivers
And the way he smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers
I pull the blanket higher when I'm finally safe at home
And he'll take a hundred with him, but he always sleeps alone,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
Lyrics by Emily Sailers (pronouns changed)
9/24/09
9/21/09
Empty
I never really thought I would say that I am empty. It seems that I can hit the bottom of the bottom and still from somewhere I manage to draw strength to carry on. Well this time I think I've run out.
And the funny thing is...I'm not at the bottom of the bottom. Just the bottom. Still feel fucking stuck. Spinning wheels with no forward motion. Back and forth - round and round. Still seeking change.
Today I lose my therapist to maternity leave. And now I feel like I will truly have no one to talk to. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. I guess I should at least make my last session a bang. Lord knows I have enough to talk about. But truly what good will it do? I'll just have to fucking start over. Again. For the millionth time in my life. And I'm sick of it.
My current "in the works" solution is to get a tattoo. Guess it is a sort of masochism. Not sure I can go today to shop for an artist, but I will go tomorrow and make some inquiries. I have always been seeking a permanent reminder. Sure I have scars. But they fade. Ink seems to be the most durable. It can be touched up.
So maybe with a permanent reminder on my body I won't feel so empty. I won't feel so stuck. I won't feel so lost. I will be able to look in the mirror and see something that says, "Hey asshole this is who you are and you're still here. So keep going."
For now though I will try to plug the drain so I don't overly deplete.
And the funny thing is...I'm not at the bottom of the bottom. Just the bottom. Still feel fucking stuck. Spinning wheels with no forward motion. Back and forth - round and round. Still seeking change.
Today I lose my therapist to maternity leave. And now I feel like I will truly have no one to talk to. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. I guess I should at least make my last session a bang. Lord knows I have enough to talk about. But truly what good will it do? I'll just have to fucking start over. Again. For the millionth time in my life. And I'm sick of it.
My current "in the works" solution is to get a tattoo. Guess it is a sort of masochism. Not sure I can go today to shop for an artist, but I will go tomorrow and make some inquiries. I have always been seeking a permanent reminder. Sure I have scars. But they fade. Ink seems to be the most durable. It can be touched up.
So maybe with a permanent reminder on my body I won't feel so empty. I won't feel so stuck. I won't feel so lost. I will be able to look in the mirror and see something that says, "Hey asshole this is who you are and you're still here. So keep going."
For now though I will try to plug the drain so I don't overly deplete.
9/9/09
Stuck...
I have been feeling more and more lately that I am starting to get stuck in a rut. Work, relationships and just life overall seem to be flat-lining and I don't know what to do to kick start a change.
I am disgusted with my job. It just keeps getting worse and I haven't had any time to make an effort for one reason or another just yet to find a new one. And now I am out on worker's comp for a day and on steroids for a week because of an incident last night. So depending on how all this plays out I might just have to find a job pretty damn quick because I have a strange feeling they'll be gunning for me. They don't like me anyway for whatever reason and I've been discriminated against by management in backhanded ways and sexually harassed twice by coworkers as is. All incidents have been reported, though not handled very well on their end. This is just one more thing to them. One more reason to find an excuse to get me out of their hair.
As far as relationships are concerned, I seem to be going in circles. With everyone. My mother, the rest of my family, my friends, my "lover". Seems I feel something gets resolved or there is a step forward and then it just goes backwards. And then right back to where it was. Or worse. No true forward motion. At least that I can see. And this is getting frustrating to the point of me just wanting to cut everyone out. Especially with the holiday season sneaking ever closer (an issue unto itself).
I seem to be back to the point of wanting to just pick up and move somewhere and just start over. Anywhere I can be the real me from day one and no one will have to know the truth. Go ahead and legally change my name. Find a doctor and start T. Find a job that will allow me to be who I am where I don't have to hide or be in fear. Get off all the damn pills I have to take for various reasons.
The worst part of all of this is that right now none of these are really feasible options. And the reason is mostly money. And also the issues I am being treated for: depression, anxiety, PMDD and sleep issues. All of these make it super hard to get the motivation to be anything other than slow and methodical. To just keep plodding like a hamster in a wheel. It is wearing me out. Truly. I feel more and more drained by everything as each day passes and I don't feel like I have anything to even remotely replenish me in the ways I need to be replenished. Or anything to show for the efforts I put forth.
The other worst part of it all is that I'm not programmed to quit. For whatever reason I do just keep going. Sometimes until I hit rock ass bottom. I'm not there yet but I'm floating towards that line. I guess I need to sit down and do some serious reflection on my life and what I want to change. And figure my options out...pros and cons of those changes and if I can implement them and if so when.
Maybe when I have four days off in a row in a week or so I'll see if I can get a friend to watch my dog and take a hiking trip. Bust out all the old backpacking gear and just tromp into the woods somewhere for a few days. Spend some time with nature and a journal and get some thoughts down. Really get a chance to think.
For now I'm going to go to my first support group meeting tomorrow and hopefully get some info on how to start making the physical changes I need to make. And then I'll have therapy in a week and some. Maybe by then something will give and I can take even a small step forward. A small step so I can feel less stuck.
I am disgusted with my job. It just keeps getting worse and I haven't had any time to make an effort for one reason or another just yet to find a new one. And now I am out on worker's comp for a day and on steroids for a week because of an incident last night. So depending on how all this plays out I might just have to find a job pretty damn quick because I have a strange feeling they'll be gunning for me. They don't like me anyway for whatever reason and I've been discriminated against by management in backhanded ways and sexually harassed twice by coworkers as is. All incidents have been reported, though not handled very well on their end. This is just one more thing to them. One more reason to find an excuse to get me out of their hair.
As far as relationships are concerned, I seem to be going in circles. With everyone. My mother, the rest of my family, my friends, my "lover". Seems I feel something gets resolved or there is a step forward and then it just goes backwards. And then right back to where it was. Or worse. No true forward motion. At least that I can see. And this is getting frustrating to the point of me just wanting to cut everyone out. Especially with the holiday season sneaking ever closer (an issue unto itself).
I seem to be back to the point of wanting to just pick up and move somewhere and just start over. Anywhere I can be the real me from day one and no one will have to know the truth. Go ahead and legally change my name. Find a doctor and start T. Find a job that will allow me to be who I am where I don't have to hide or be in fear. Get off all the damn pills I have to take for various reasons.
The worst part of all of this is that right now none of these are really feasible options. And the reason is mostly money. And also the issues I am being treated for: depression, anxiety, PMDD and sleep issues. All of these make it super hard to get the motivation to be anything other than slow and methodical. To just keep plodding like a hamster in a wheel. It is wearing me out. Truly. I feel more and more drained by everything as each day passes and I don't feel like I have anything to even remotely replenish me in the ways I need to be replenished. Or anything to show for the efforts I put forth.
The other worst part of it all is that I'm not programmed to quit. For whatever reason I do just keep going. Sometimes until I hit rock ass bottom. I'm not there yet but I'm floating towards that line. I guess I need to sit down and do some serious reflection on my life and what I want to change. And figure my options out...pros and cons of those changes and if I can implement them and if so when.
Maybe when I have four days off in a row in a week or so I'll see if I can get a friend to watch my dog and take a hiking trip. Bust out all the old backpacking gear and just tromp into the woods somewhere for a few days. Spend some time with nature and a journal and get some thoughts down. Really get a chance to think.
For now I'm going to go to my first support group meeting tomorrow and hopefully get some info on how to start making the physical changes I need to make. And then I'll have therapy in a week and some. Maybe by then something will give and I can take even a small step forward. A small step so I can feel less stuck.
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