Since I last saw the psychiatrist I saw today. It was kind of odd trying to summarize the last ten years of my history - personal, medical, etc. She is a lot cooler than I remember and was fine when I told her about my transition. She even smiled when I told her how well my social transition has gone to this point. Lots of technical talk ensued about my medication history past and present and her conclusion was to add another medicine to my cocktail...
Apparently severe depression (like I have) can be unresponsive to antidepressants without the help of other medicines. Mood stabilizers seem to be the trick in cases like mine. I am already on one (it was given as an as needed but a few weeks ago I was told to take it regularly) and the new one she added should work well with the current one and the antidepressant I am taking. One is in the anti-psychotic family and the new one is an anti-convulsive. I have no idea exactly how these all work together but I trust her. She has been in practice for at least 10 years so I figure she knows what she is doing. Hopefully between the meds and regular therapy I can get back to a stable state and maybe even to a happy one.
On another note, I went to the local career center and got in with them. They immediately gave me three leads for new jobs and I dropped off an application for one first thing this morning before my appointment. It is a security job and I think it would be a good fit. I'm not in a place to be dealing with a lot of people one on one like in a front end retail position. I would prefer a more solitary assignment for the time being. I am keeping my fingers crossed that if this doesn't work out something else through the center will work out soon. I hope to have a new job by the beginning of the year. Work has been a huge trigger for me and that needs to change.
I'm starting to move my life in a better direction and it is taking these small steps that will get it going. One small step at a time. I can do it.
Showing posts with label transitioning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transitioning. Show all posts
11/23/09
11/9/09
I dreamed
about you last night. It was one of THOSE dreams too. And the weirdest part about the whole thing is that you called me by my given name. A name you've never used towards me purposefully. Especially during that particular act. I tried to correct you but for some reason I couldn't. Who knows. Dreams are fucked up anyway.
On another totally unrelated note: I had my follow up for my blood work for T. He told me everything looks good and I am set to go as soon as I have a letter. He said my new psychiatrist (will see her a week from today) could write the letter for me as well as the therapist he mentioned. So I have two possibilities for HRT letters. My concern is whether or not I'll be able to afford it. I don't know how much T costs and I have no insurance. So even with the letter it could be put on hold. It seems if I got insurance after I started that it would be a pre-existing condition and wouldn't be covered. Apparently this is tricky business. I could ask the support group but they pissed me off pretty badly. I asked them to remove me from their list but they haven't and I am still receiving emails. I wonder if I went to the meeting if they would say anything shitty. Guess the only way to know is to find out.
On another totally unrelated note: I had my follow up for my blood work for T. He told me everything looks good and I am set to go as soon as I have a letter. He said my new psychiatrist (will see her a week from today) could write the letter for me as well as the therapist he mentioned. So I have two possibilities for HRT letters. My concern is whether or not I'll be able to afford it. I don't know how much T costs and I have no insurance. So even with the letter it could be put on hold. It seems if I got insurance after I started that it would be a pre-existing condition and wouldn't be covered. Apparently this is tricky business. I could ask the support group but they pissed me off pretty badly. I asked them to remove me from their list but they haven't and I am still receiving emails. I wonder if I went to the meeting if they would say anything shitty. Guess the only way to know is to find out.
10/25/09
Rocky Horror
Last night I went with my roommate to meet some of his friends to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Tennessee Theater. I should mention that I also FINALLY got a haircut yesterday evening. And it looks really good. It is what I wanted and I got complimented on it by other friends after the show at Rodger's. Anyway...
I had never met any of my roommate's friends. He introduced me by my male name rather than the nickname he met me by to friend number one we met on the street who would take us to the rest of the group. We got to the restaurant and met the rest of the group and I was again introduced by my male name. Things seemed to be going well. Except for one hitch...the woman sitting across from me kept referring to me with female pronouns. The rest of the group was using male pronouns. Having never met these people before, I wasn't sure how to handle this situation exactly. So I let it slide. I am definitely still not used to correcting people. Especially people I don't know. I need to work on this.
Later when we got to the theater, one of the guys bought me a beer since I had no cash and it was a cash only bar. He said, "and whatever SHE wants." Strike two. We get into the auditorium and he has never been there and asks where the restroom is. I offer to show him (I had to go too) and he seemed just a bit weirded out when I followed him into the men's room. Oh well. Maybe he got the point then.
I sent my roommate (who was sitting next to me) a text saying, "I think I am confusing your friends. Getting mixed pronouns and not sure what to do about it." He responded that the first friend we met on the street apparently bitched out the woman sitting across from me at the table at dinner over the female pronouns. Interesting.
So while it seems that I am passing more and more these days, I am still confusing some. I had a woman this last week who I met with other friends down in Atlanta make a comment on my short hair (I was introduced by my male name). She said I would look really good with long hair. I told her I am trans. She said, "Male to female?" And I wasn't exactly sure what to do with that. Though I took it as a compliment and explained that she had it backwards. She didn't care one way or another she just thought I was a cool person.
I think my "tell" is my mouth. I have very feminine lips and a beauty mark on the left side. Nothing I can do about that. Otherwise my hair and everything else says "man". The only other thing I could think is my voice. Not sure.
I feel like a sort of odd social experiment these days. Every time I go out (except to work) I wonder who will pick what. Who will choose which set of pronouns even though I give a male name and present as such. It is an interesting feeling. But at the end of the day I am just me. A man born into a female body doing his best to be true to himself despite his given limitations.
Side note: the show was kind of a flop. The projector bulbs fucked up twice and though there was a shadow cast, their timing was pretty off. Otherwise it was just fun to be around a bunch of goofy people screaming random shit at a screen and throwing various objects all over the place at the appointed time. Hurling toilet paper in an auditorium is a definite win in my book.
Day 3
I had never met any of my roommate's friends. He introduced me by my male name rather than the nickname he met me by to friend number one we met on the street who would take us to the rest of the group. We got to the restaurant and met the rest of the group and I was again introduced by my male name. Things seemed to be going well. Except for one hitch...the woman sitting across from me kept referring to me with female pronouns. The rest of the group was using male pronouns. Having never met these people before, I wasn't sure how to handle this situation exactly. So I let it slide. I am definitely still not used to correcting people. Especially people I don't know. I need to work on this.
Later when we got to the theater, one of the guys bought me a beer since I had no cash and it was a cash only bar. He said, "and whatever SHE wants." Strike two. We get into the auditorium and he has never been there and asks where the restroom is. I offer to show him (I had to go too) and he seemed just a bit weirded out when I followed him into the men's room. Oh well. Maybe he got the point then.
I sent my roommate (who was sitting next to me) a text saying, "I think I am confusing your friends. Getting mixed pronouns and not sure what to do about it." He responded that the first friend we met on the street apparently bitched out the woman sitting across from me at the table at dinner over the female pronouns. Interesting.
So while it seems that I am passing more and more these days, I am still confusing some. I had a woman this last week who I met with other friends down in Atlanta make a comment on my short hair (I was introduced by my male name). She said I would look really good with long hair. I told her I am trans. She said, "Male to female?" And I wasn't exactly sure what to do with that. Though I took it as a compliment and explained that she had it backwards. She didn't care one way or another she just thought I was a cool person.
I think my "tell" is my mouth. I have very feminine lips and a beauty mark on the left side. Nothing I can do about that. Otherwise my hair and everything else says "man". The only other thing I could think is my voice. Not sure.
I feel like a sort of odd social experiment these days. Every time I go out (except to work) I wonder who will pick what. Who will choose which set of pronouns even though I give a male name and present as such. It is an interesting feeling. But at the end of the day I am just me. A man born into a female body doing his best to be true to himself despite his given limitations.
Side note: the show was kind of a flop. The projector bulbs fucked up twice and though there was a shadow cast, their timing was pretty off. Otherwise it was just fun to be around a bunch of goofy people screaming random shit at a screen and throwing various objects all over the place at the appointed time. Hurling toilet paper in an auditorium is a definite win in my book.
Day 3
10/23/09
"But I believe in you."
A text from my mother.
My response: "Do you really? The true me? The whole me inside?"
Mom: "I love you. I want to encourage you. And I hope I have. Good night."
Me: "I'll take that as a no. Goodnight."
No response from her. Though she did encourage me, she also did a total 180 and ran from the conversation when I asked her that question. Dodged it completely. As she seems to do. Denial or full frontal attack are the two modes. This was a lovely addition to my day. Shot down again.
Maybe if I take enough pills I can muster up enough motivation to start faking happiness and then wake up one morning and find it has come true. Find that I don't have a crushed broken heart. Find that I don't hate my job. Find that I have a mother and family who support me for the real me. Find that I actually want to get some good rest because I'll have a day to look forward to. Find that I have the desire to get out of bed. Maybe I'll give a shit. But right now I'm going to settle for the pills and numb. I'd rather not feel much any time soon.
Day 1
My response: "Do you really? The true me? The whole me inside?"
Mom: "I love you. I want to encourage you. And I hope I have. Good night."
Me: "I'll take that as a no. Goodnight."
No response from her. Though she did encourage me, she also did a total 180 and ran from the conversation when I asked her that question. Dodged it completely. As she seems to do. Denial or full frontal attack are the two modes. This was a lovely addition to my day. Shot down again.
Maybe if I take enough pills I can muster up enough motivation to start faking happiness and then wake up one morning and find it has come true. Find that I don't have a crushed broken heart. Find that I don't hate my job. Find that I have a mother and family who support me for the real me. Find that I actually want to get some good rest because I'll have a day to look forward to. Find that I have the desire to get out of bed. Maybe I'll give a shit. But right now I'm going to settle for the pills and numb. I'd rather not feel much any time soon.
Day 1
9/28/09
Anger
Anger is an issue I have had to deal with my whole life. As early as grade school I had outbursts of rage (sometimes sudden and blind) to the point where I did physical damage to property: kicked holes in walls, broke doors (kicked them in), smashed various objects. I spent a lot of allowance money on drywall for a good while. Once, in high school, I threw a chair at a glass door and oddly the chair broke. My intention was to shatter the door. But later I succeeded in the same task just in a different way. Though as I've gotten older, my tendency is to just turn the anger inward. I take the physical out on myself in the form of punching objects I cannot break - walls, doors, furniture - to leave bruises (I have almost broken my hand a number of times) and hitting myself repeatedly in the face to the point I have black eyes. And even occasionally I have cut myself in anger. And to be clear - I am nowhere near proud of this.
For me, anger that comes out towards other people is always verbal. I have never struck another person in anger unless I was struck first. And even then, my striking back has been rare and always in defense. I usually take the hit and just keep screaming or threaten to hit back and that usually shuts the other person down. My anger towards others comes in words...extremely harsh and hateful, straight to the jugular words.
I have learned to control the anger inside me a little better over time and it has dulled some. But it still dwells within me. I still harbor a lot of anger towards my mother for my upbringing. And I currently hold anger towards her for remarks and actions made in the recent past. There is anger towards other family members as well in regards to their shitty reactions to my transition. I am also currently angry with myself for some recent incidents and failures in areas where I was striving for success. And unfortunately, in the last year I have engaged in some of the actions listed above as recently as this past week. I have a bruise on my wrist from hitting my steering wheel and cuts on my left shoulder.
I have been in and out of therapy for the past twelve years. When I was fifteen I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Within the last few months I went to the ER and then to a crisis stabilization unit for three days to keep myself from having to go inpatient. I have been on 10 different psychiatric medicines on and off in different combinations over this time as well (currently on 3). Though I've never been told I need anger management classes. Never have really, truly, addressed the issues of my anger head on in the context of the anger and not the situation. If that makes any sense.
Looking back, some of my major life decisions have been made out of some form of anger and/or rebellion. Some to my good, some to my detriment. My choice to fail miserably in high school was to spite my mother's overbearing and controlling perfectionism she was bound and determined to force on me (and did since I can remember). My choice to go to the college I went to was to piss off my family (they're all in health care and I went to music school) and to get as far away from my mother as physically possible because being anywhere near her just pissed me off. We were totally unable to coexist in any peaceful or healthy manner. And we still aren't. I have let anger control me in these and other ways.
I have had family members accuse me of harboring massive amounts of anger towards my mother, though they do not and cannot ever know the true extent of the abusive upbringing I had. Or the abuse I endured through college. Or the shit I have gotten from her within the last few months. And I have family members now accusing me of transitioning just to piss them off and fuck with them. They say I am doing it out of spite and because I am just so mad at them. I want to fuck with them. Because I'm angry. And if I could only let go of the anger I wouldn't have to change.
The truth is my choice and need to transition has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with anger towards anyone. Though I am angry at my lot in life. Angry that I was born into a body that I have never been able to like, let alone fully accept and that doesn't reflect the individual I am inside (though I'm getting closer). But I have accepted that I am who I am. And now that I have done that and taken steps towards seeking medical assistance in correcting the physical issues, that anger is fading and I can honestly say that I am happier with myself more than I have ever been. Though it is nowhere near an easy process, I have hope.
I would say my biggest issue with anger is that I have often unknowingly bottled it up for too long. I think I've let it go, but I really haven't. And then it just explodes. And the things I am not proud of happen. I become destructive. Thankfully these episodes have become fewer and farther apart, but they are still happening and they need to be addressed. I don't bottle it up for too long now so much as I just explode. And this is NOT a good thing.
Anger is an extremely powerful emotion and one that needs to be handled appropriately or it can be devastatingly dangerous and even fatal. I have seen people do and say some unspeakably horrid things out of anger. I have seen people crumble physically and emotionally in the grip of anger. And I too have said and done things out of anger that I wish to god every day I could take back. The seed becomes planted and it is so tempting to let it grow. To nurture it. Because, damn it all, you have a right to be angry. And it can feel good. It can feel powerful. But it isn't healthy.
I have come to realize that anger is a mask. A wall to hide other underlying emotions like fear, hurt, guilt, shame, despair, etc. And that expressing anger in such ways as I've listed above just solidifies and reaffirms the anger and often encourages it to escalate. And because of the short term high anger can offer, it can become addictive. I have experienced this myself.
I have figured that if I stay angry, I won't have to deal with what is causing the anger. Won't have to deal with the REAL issue. I figure if I punch a wall I can let the anger out. And it feels good. It makes the anger visible. I can see the bruises and watch them heal. But the anger that caused the bruises often still remains under the surface masking the issues that got me angry in the first place.
I have decided that now is the time to address the anger itself and how I handle it. To address the issues causing the anger instead of just being angry. To tackle some tough ass stuff one piece at a time so I can stop the cycle of unhealthy, destructive behavior. So I can let some of it go. Because I haven't been able to do so to this point. And one of my steps is to call in the morning and make a therapy appointment so I can get the ball rolling. I've addressed some of the issues but not nearly all of them and definitely not to the extent that they need to be addressed. I am tired of letting anger get the better of me. Tired of the physical and emotional distress it causes. Tired of looking at the bruises and scars. It's time to take off the mask and really look at what is underneath.
For me, anger that comes out towards other people is always verbal. I have never struck another person in anger unless I was struck first. And even then, my striking back has been rare and always in defense. I usually take the hit and just keep screaming or threaten to hit back and that usually shuts the other person down. My anger towards others comes in words...extremely harsh and hateful, straight to the jugular words.
I have learned to control the anger inside me a little better over time and it has dulled some. But it still dwells within me. I still harbor a lot of anger towards my mother for my upbringing. And I currently hold anger towards her for remarks and actions made in the recent past. There is anger towards other family members as well in regards to their shitty reactions to my transition. I am also currently angry with myself for some recent incidents and failures in areas where I was striving for success. And unfortunately, in the last year I have engaged in some of the actions listed above as recently as this past week. I have a bruise on my wrist from hitting my steering wheel and cuts on my left shoulder.
I have been in and out of therapy for the past twelve years. When I was fifteen I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Within the last few months I went to the ER and then to a crisis stabilization unit for three days to keep myself from having to go inpatient. I have been on 10 different psychiatric medicines on and off in different combinations over this time as well (currently on 3). Though I've never been told I need anger management classes. Never have really, truly, addressed the issues of my anger head on in the context of the anger and not the situation. If that makes any sense.
Looking back, some of my major life decisions have been made out of some form of anger and/or rebellion. Some to my good, some to my detriment. My choice to fail miserably in high school was to spite my mother's overbearing and controlling perfectionism she was bound and determined to force on me (and did since I can remember). My choice to go to the college I went to was to piss off my family (they're all in health care and I went to music school) and to get as far away from my mother as physically possible because being anywhere near her just pissed me off. We were totally unable to coexist in any peaceful or healthy manner. And we still aren't. I have let anger control me in these and other ways.
I have had family members accuse me of harboring massive amounts of anger towards my mother, though they do not and cannot ever know the true extent of the abusive upbringing I had. Or the abuse I endured through college. Or the shit I have gotten from her within the last few months. And I have family members now accusing me of transitioning just to piss them off and fuck with them. They say I am doing it out of spite and because I am just so mad at them. I want to fuck with them. Because I'm angry. And if I could only let go of the anger I wouldn't have to change.
The truth is my choice and need to transition has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with anger towards anyone. Though I am angry at my lot in life. Angry that I was born into a body that I have never been able to like, let alone fully accept and that doesn't reflect the individual I am inside (though I'm getting closer). But I have accepted that I am who I am. And now that I have done that and taken steps towards seeking medical assistance in correcting the physical issues, that anger is fading and I can honestly say that I am happier with myself more than I have ever been. Though it is nowhere near an easy process, I have hope.
I would say my biggest issue with anger is that I have often unknowingly bottled it up for too long. I think I've let it go, but I really haven't. And then it just explodes. And the things I am not proud of happen. I become destructive. Thankfully these episodes have become fewer and farther apart, but they are still happening and they need to be addressed. I don't bottle it up for too long now so much as I just explode. And this is NOT a good thing.
Anger is an extremely powerful emotion and one that needs to be handled appropriately or it can be devastatingly dangerous and even fatal. I have seen people do and say some unspeakably horrid things out of anger. I have seen people crumble physically and emotionally in the grip of anger. And I too have said and done things out of anger that I wish to god every day I could take back. The seed becomes planted and it is so tempting to let it grow. To nurture it. Because, damn it all, you have a right to be angry. And it can feel good. It can feel powerful. But it isn't healthy.
I have come to realize that anger is a mask. A wall to hide other underlying emotions like fear, hurt, guilt, shame, despair, etc. And that expressing anger in such ways as I've listed above just solidifies and reaffirms the anger and often encourages it to escalate. And because of the short term high anger can offer, it can become addictive. I have experienced this myself.
I have figured that if I stay angry, I won't have to deal with what is causing the anger. Won't have to deal with the REAL issue. I figure if I punch a wall I can let the anger out. And it feels good. It makes the anger visible. I can see the bruises and watch them heal. But the anger that caused the bruises often still remains under the surface masking the issues that got me angry in the first place.
I have decided that now is the time to address the anger itself and how I handle it. To address the issues causing the anger instead of just being angry. To tackle some tough ass stuff one piece at a time so I can stop the cycle of unhealthy, destructive behavior. So I can let some of it go. Because I haven't been able to do so to this point. And one of my steps is to call in the morning and make a therapy appointment so I can get the ball rolling. I've addressed some of the issues but not nearly all of them and definitely not to the extent that they need to be addressed. I am tired of letting anger get the better of me. Tired of the physical and emotional distress it causes. Tired of looking at the bruises and scars. It's time to take off the mask and really look at what is underneath.
Today I am OK
After a day of grief, I think I am doing better. Maybe it is the pills. Maybe it is the sunshine. But I'm doing better. I have some good things to look forward to and to hope for.
To name one: I applied for a work transfer. I spoke to my store manager and explained my situation and he said he would approve it. I also took the supervisory assessment and passed it. Both stores I am interested in transferring to have open positions in this area. So maybe next week I will get a call saying, "Hey we want you to come and take this position." This could mean full time status and benefits. Which would mean more money. And also hopefully, day shift hours. Though I don't want to work for the Evil Empire forever, I will climb the ladder I'm on for now until a better one comes along.
To name another: though I have been a hormonal mess (the Depo shot didn't do a damn thing it was supposed to), my doctor did a battery of blood work to test for different things. Hopefully I will get some answers as to why my body is such a mess. Why my chemistry seems so bound and determined to fuck with me in bad ways. And not only that, I got a chance to further discuss with her my goals concerning transitioning. Though she said she isn't comfortable prescribing me T (she has never had a trans patient), she said she would do her best to find out more about it and possibly someone else who deals in such matters and refer me. I also have a friend who is a transman who has been on T for 2 years that offered to speak to his doctor about me and ask if they would be willing to contact my doctor.
One more: I get paid on Thursday. And that is never a bad thing.
So despite some turmoil I am choosing to focus on the positive things and positive potentials I have in my life right now. And to move forward. I am choosing to be ok, though I would prefer happy. And I hope happy will come soon. For now I'll take ok.
To name one: I applied for a work transfer. I spoke to my store manager and explained my situation and he said he would approve it. I also took the supervisory assessment and passed it. Both stores I am interested in transferring to have open positions in this area. So maybe next week I will get a call saying, "Hey we want you to come and take this position." This could mean full time status and benefits. Which would mean more money. And also hopefully, day shift hours. Though I don't want to work for the Evil Empire forever, I will climb the ladder I'm on for now until a better one comes along.
To name another: though I have been a hormonal mess (the Depo shot didn't do a damn thing it was supposed to), my doctor did a battery of blood work to test for different things. Hopefully I will get some answers as to why my body is such a mess. Why my chemistry seems so bound and determined to fuck with me in bad ways. And not only that, I got a chance to further discuss with her my goals concerning transitioning. Though she said she isn't comfortable prescribing me T (she has never had a trans patient), she said she would do her best to find out more about it and possibly someone else who deals in such matters and refer me. I also have a friend who is a transman who has been on T for 2 years that offered to speak to his doctor about me and ask if they would be willing to contact my doctor.
One more: I get paid on Thursday. And that is never a bad thing.
So despite some turmoil I am choosing to focus on the positive things and positive potentials I have in my life right now. And to move forward. I am choosing to be ok, though I would prefer happy. And I hope happy will come soon. For now I'll take ok.
9/9/09
Stuck...
I have been feeling more and more lately that I am starting to get stuck in a rut. Work, relationships and just life overall seem to be flat-lining and I don't know what to do to kick start a change.
I am disgusted with my job. It just keeps getting worse and I haven't had any time to make an effort for one reason or another just yet to find a new one. And now I am out on worker's comp for a day and on steroids for a week because of an incident last night. So depending on how all this plays out I might just have to find a job pretty damn quick because I have a strange feeling they'll be gunning for me. They don't like me anyway for whatever reason and I've been discriminated against by management in backhanded ways and sexually harassed twice by coworkers as is. All incidents have been reported, though not handled very well on their end. This is just one more thing to them. One more reason to find an excuse to get me out of their hair.
As far as relationships are concerned, I seem to be going in circles. With everyone. My mother, the rest of my family, my friends, my "lover". Seems I feel something gets resolved or there is a step forward and then it just goes backwards. And then right back to where it was. Or worse. No true forward motion. At least that I can see. And this is getting frustrating to the point of me just wanting to cut everyone out. Especially with the holiday season sneaking ever closer (an issue unto itself).
I seem to be back to the point of wanting to just pick up and move somewhere and just start over. Anywhere I can be the real me from day one and no one will have to know the truth. Go ahead and legally change my name. Find a doctor and start T. Find a job that will allow me to be who I am where I don't have to hide or be in fear. Get off all the damn pills I have to take for various reasons.
The worst part of all of this is that right now none of these are really feasible options. And the reason is mostly money. And also the issues I am being treated for: depression, anxiety, PMDD and sleep issues. All of these make it super hard to get the motivation to be anything other than slow and methodical. To just keep plodding like a hamster in a wheel. It is wearing me out. Truly. I feel more and more drained by everything as each day passes and I don't feel like I have anything to even remotely replenish me in the ways I need to be replenished. Or anything to show for the efforts I put forth.
The other worst part of it all is that I'm not programmed to quit. For whatever reason I do just keep going. Sometimes until I hit rock ass bottom. I'm not there yet but I'm floating towards that line. I guess I need to sit down and do some serious reflection on my life and what I want to change. And figure my options out...pros and cons of those changes and if I can implement them and if so when.
Maybe when I have four days off in a row in a week or so I'll see if I can get a friend to watch my dog and take a hiking trip. Bust out all the old backpacking gear and just tromp into the woods somewhere for a few days. Spend some time with nature and a journal and get some thoughts down. Really get a chance to think.
For now I'm going to go to my first support group meeting tomorrow and hopefully get some info on how to start making the physical changes I need to make. And then I'll have therapy in a week and some. Maybe by then something will give and I can take even a small step forward. A small step so I can feel less stuck.
I am disgusted with my job. It just keeps getting worse and I haven't had any time to make an effort for one reason or another just yet to find a new one. And now I am out on worker's comp for a day and on steroids for a week because of an incident last night. So depending on how all this plays out I might just have to find a job pretty damn quick because I have a strange feeling they'll be gunning for me. They don't like me anyway for whatever reason and I've been discriminated against by management in backhanded ways and sexually harassed twice by coworkers as is. All incidents have been reported, though not handled very well on their end. This is just one more thing to them. One more reason to find an excuse to get me out of their hair.
As far as relationships are concerned, I seem to be going in circles. With everyone. My mother, the rest of my family, my friends, my "lover". Seems I feel something gets resolved or there is a step forward and then it just goes backwards. And then right back to where it was. Or worse. No true forward motion. At least that I can see. And this is getting frustrating to the point of me just wanting to cut everyone out. Especially with the holiday season sneaking ever closer (an issue unto itself).
I seem to be back to the point of wanting to just pick up and move somewhere and just start over. Anywhere I can be the real me from day one and no one will have to know the truth. Go ahead and legally change my name. Find a doctor and start T. Find a job that will allow me to be who I am where I don't have to hide or be in fear. Get off all the damn pills I have to take for various reasons.
The worst part of all of this is that right now none of these are really feasible options. And the reason is mostly money. And also the issues I am being treated for: depression, anxiety, PMDD and sleep issues. All of these make it super hard to get the motivation to be anything other than slow and methodical. To just keep plodding like a hamster in a wheel. It is wearing me out. Truly. I feel more and more drained by everything as each day passes and I don't feel like I have anything to even remotely replenish me in the ways I need to be replenished. Or anything to show for the efforts I put forth.
The other worst part of it all is that I'm not programmed to quit. For whatever reason I do just keep going. Sometimes until I hit rock ass bottom. I'm not there yet but I'm floating towards that line. I guess I need to sit down and do some serious reflection on my life and what I want to change. And figure my options out...pros and cons of those changes and if I can implement them and if so when.
Maybe when I have four days off in a row in a week or so I'll see if I can get a friend to watch my dog and take a hiking trip. Bust out all the old backpacking gear and just tromp into the woods somewhere for a few days. Spend some time with nature and a journal and get some thoughts down. Really get a chance to think.
For now I'm going to go to my first support group meeting tomorrow and hopefully get some info on how to start making the physical changes I need to make. And then I'll have therapy in a week and some. Maybe by then something will give and I can take even a small step forward. A small step so I can feel less stuck.
7/29/09
A test passed...
Today I met with the founders of the local FTM support group here. It was awesome to be around other men like me - though they are both much further along in physical transition. I was worried for a minute that they wouldn't take me seriously. That they would think I was a fake. And it turns out those were valid concerns (seems they've had people in the past who turned out for the worst). But I passed.
Speaking of passing: I am passing more and more every day now. The outward physical changes I have made have been mostly small but in combination enough to change my overall appearance even more. Simple things like removing the earrings I wore for the longest time. Removing all jewelry period. Changing the style and cut of my already short hair. Minor alterations to my dress - men's button down shirts instead of just tshirts.
Greater and more serious changes include binding and packing. Though these are physical they are also hugely mental. To look in the mirror and see a flat chest is amazing. The first time I was able to do that I was so happy I wanted to point it out to everyone but was so nervous at the same time. So many questions were running through my head...can people see the binder? Is my chest flat enough? Do I look like I'm trying too hard? Thankfully having lost a bit of weight it is easier and easier to bind. I have only bound once in the presence of my family and some of their friends at a party. I was so scared one of them would call me out. But the comments I got were "wow you look great you've lost weight" and things of that nature. They noticed the difference but couldn't seem to put a finger on it.
To look down my flat chest and see the ever so slightly noticeable bulge under my shorts/pants is also totally amazing. The feel of a cock between my legs is fantastic. And the surprising confidence that comes with packing is definitely a plus. My first strap and packer came to me a few months ago (thank you to my benefactor for your support in this area and others...you are truly wonderful). I have the Goodfella by Vixen Creations and the Sedeux by Sportsheets. I recommend both products but the Goodfella isn't the best for daily wear and is rather expensive. It is better for pack and play situations. Because of that I recently purchased my first day packer: the Mr. Limpy by Fleshlight. Unfortunately, the company's marketing of this product is repulsive and awful - but that is another story for another post. The product itself is great and the price is under twenty bucks. It is totally comfortable and easy to wear. Also compatible with my harness. Not terribly high maintenance. And damn...the feeling of my partner grabbing my crotch with a pack between my legs is so hot and makes me feel even more masculine.
I guess all of this is to say that I am slowly going from confusing people to moving closer to the end of the spectrum where I truly belong. I still get the lack of pronoun usage from strangers on occasion, but more often than not I get the masculine ones I so need. And that makes me smile. And to be able to meet other people like me and spend time with them and be totally accepted is wonderful. I hope that by joining this group I can take my transition to new levels inside and out and continue to improve myself as the man I have always been.
Speaking of passing: I am passing more and more every day now. The outward physical changes I have made have been mostly small but in combination enough to change my overall appearance even more. Simple things like removing the earrings I wore for the longest time. Removing all jewelry period. Changing the style and cut of my already short hair. Minor alterations to my dress - men's button down shirts instead of just tshirts.
Greater and more serious changes include binding and packing. Though these are physical they are also hugely mental. To look in the mirror and see a flat chest is amazing. The first time I was able to do that I was so happy I wanted to point it out to everyone but was so nervous at the same time. So many questions were running through my head...can people see the binder? Is my chest flat enough? Do I look like I'm trying too hard? Thankfully having lost a bit of weight it is easier and easier to bind. I have only bound once in the presence of my family and some of their friends at a party. I was so scared one of them would call me out. But the comments I got were "wow you look great you've lost weight" and things of that nature. They noticed the difference but couldn't seem to put a finger on it.
To look down my flat chest and see the ever so slightly noticeable bulge under my shorts/pants is also totally amazing. The feel of a cock between my legs is fantastic. And the surprising confidence that comes with packing is definitely a plus. My first strap and packer came to me a few months ago (thank you to my benefactor for your support in this area and others...you are truly wonderful). I have the Goodfella by Vixen Creations and the Sedeux by Sportsheets. I recommend both products but the Goodfella isn't the best for daily wear and is rather expensive. It is better for pack and play situations. Because of that I recently purchased my first day packer: the Mr. Limpy by Fleshlight. Unfortunately, the company's marketing of this product is repulsive and awful - but that is another story for another post. The product itself is great and the price is under twenty bucks. It is totally comfortable and easy to wear. Also compatible with my harness. Not terribly high maintenance. And damn...the feeling of my partner grabbing my crotch with a pack between my legs is so hot and makes me feel even more masculine.
I guess all of this is to say that I am slowly going from confusing people to moving closer to the end of the spectrum where I truly belong. I still get the lack of pronoun usage from strangers on occasion, but more often than not I get the masculine ones I so need. And that makes me smile. And to be able to meet other people like me and spend time with them and be totally accepted is wonderful. I hope that by joining this group I can take my transition to new levels inside and out and continue to improve myself as the man I have always been.
4/1/09
Who's eyes am I behind?
I look in the mirror and I have no clue who I see. Is it the woman that my body represents? Or is it the man that inhabits my mind?
Should a person hate what they see when they look at themselves? Is the need to want to punch the reflection anywhere near normal?
What is behind the eyes? The eyes that one day are familiar. One day are bright. One day are clouded. One day empty. One day dark. Who is in there?
I can’t translate the image in the mirror into anything some days. The view is totally foreign. Other days I see the sad, lonely, scared pathetic individual who dwells there. And some rare days I see the confident, strong, capable and worthwhile individual I should be. Key word: should.
How do I unlock the real me? How do I even know who that is? I can’t make the pieces fit. I can’t match the inside with the out. And to do so is going to take a long time. And resources I don’t yet have. And even then will the self-image in my brain match what I see? I don’t know.
Should a person hate what they see when they look at themselves? Is the need to want to punch the reflection anywhere near normal?
What is behind the eyes? The eyes that one day are familiar. One day are bright. One day are clouded. One day empty. One day dark. Who is in there?
I can’t translate the image in the mirror into anything some days. The view is totally foreign. Other days I see the sad, lonely, scared pathetic individual who dwells there. And some rare days I see the confident, strong, capable and worthwhile individual I should be. Key word: should.
How do I unlock the real me? How do I even know who that is? I can’t make the pieces fit. I can’t match the inside with the out. And to do so is going to take a long time. And resources I don’t yet have. And even then will the self-image in my brain match what I see? I don’t know.
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