Peace

Today I put you to rest. With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. I must seek peace.

A Quote

"You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.”

- Maya Angelou

I had the privilege of meeting Ms. Angelou when I was in elementary school. She came and did a reading for us in the library. I will never forget it.

Welcome

2010. May you bring me positive change. I am in dire need. Thanks.

Movin' On Up

"You've done me wrong
Your time is up
You took a sip
(Just a sip)
From the devils cup.

You broke my heart
There's no way back.
Move right outta here baby.
Go and pack your bags.

Just who do you think you are?
Stop acting like some kind of star.
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a woman baby if that's what you are.

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,
Yeah.

They brag a man has walked in space,
But you can't even find my place.
Mmm there ain't nothing
(Not a thing)
You can do
'Cause I've had enough of me
Baby being part of you.


Just who do you think you are?
This time you've gone too far.
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a woman baby if that's what you are.

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,
Yeah.

Movin' on up
Movin' on up
Movin' on up
Movin' on up

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,

Movin', movin', movin' nothing can stop me
Movin', movin' time to break free
Nothing can stop me"

- M People

This has been stuck in my head for a few days...

"'Cause I am barely breathing
I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you'd care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price the price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway..."

I have heard this song a million times and yet the words never really sunk in. I currently can't remember who it's by or remember much of the rest of the song (I could look it but up I have to go to work really soon). It is somewhat fitting to my life right now. Except the first part. I am breathing fine and I can find the air - though there was a time I couldn't. I'm just not sure who I'm kidding except myself. Because you've proven that you don't care. And if you do, you're doing a damn skippy job of hiding it. And for some reason I have been standing here waiting a fool for another day. Not sure about the price. But I am thinking it over still. And waiting still. For some kind of sign I guess.

"Untouchable Face"

My answer to Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" just for you...

"think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much..."

Thank you Ani Difranco

What does one do with a life that has been filled with inconsistency, empty promises and hollow threats?

27

Well today is officially my birthday and what I am counting as the end of the year for me. Forget the last month. 2009 is OVER for me.

I am really not sure what to say about this year other than it has been quite an experience. A roller coaster of events and emotion both awesome and terrible. Also, that I am not sad to close the book on it and open a new one with some nice fresh clean pages to fill.

I am still standing. I've been beaten down but I'm healing. I haven't gone cold. I haven't gone bitter. I am not jaded. I still have no regrets.

I am thankful for being able to smile. Being able to laugh. Being able to love (even if it isn't returned). Thankful for being loved. Thankful for those who wish to share their lives with me and those who allow me to share my life with them. Most of all I am thankful that I can still learn. Life is full of lessons and the day I stop being able to learn them is the day I want to depart this world.

For now I'll gladly take a last look, close the cover, shelf the book on my 26th year of life. Time for a fresh start. Thank you higher power for a new year.

10 years

Since I last saw the psychiatrist I saw today. It was kind of odd trying to summarize the last ten years of my history - personal, medical, etc. She is a lot cooler than I remember and was fine when I told her about my transition. She even smiled when I told her how well my social transition has gone to this point. Lots of technical talk ensued about my medication history past and present and her conclusion was to add another medicine to my cocktail...

Apparently severe depression (like I have) can be unresponsive to antidepressants without the help of other medicines. Mood stabilizers seem to be the trick in cases like mine. I am already on one (it was given as an as needed but a few weeks ago I was told to take it regularly) and the new one she added should work well with the current one and the antidepressant I am taking. One is in the anti-psychotic family and the new one is an anti-convulsive. I have no idea exactly how these all work together but I trust her. She has been in practice for at least 10 years so I figure she knows what she is doing. Hopefully between the meds and regular therapy I can get back to a stable state and maybe even to a happy one.

On another note, I went to the local career center and got in with them. They immediately gave me three leads for new jobs and I dropped off an application for one first thing this morning before my appointment. It is a security job and I think it would be a good fit. I'm not in a place to be dealing with a lot of people one on one like in a front end retail position. I would prefer a more solitary assignment for the time being. I am keeping my fingers crossed that if this doesn't work out something else through the center will work out soon. I hope to have a new job by the beginning of the year. Work has been a huge trigger for me and that needs to change.

I'm starting to move my life in a better direction and it is taking these small steps that will get it going. One small step at a time. I can do it.

"Mamma I'm strange...

The thoughts and the wants are the locks on the back of my brain.
I'm descending, pretending I'm blending I'm going insane...
And they want me to change...
Mamma I'm strange."

- Melissa Etheridge

Today I wish memories could be selectively picked out and deleted forever like files on a computer. Or at least be thrown away like yesterday's trash and taken to a dump where they can rot and not be gotten back without some SERIOUS and disgusting effort. Maybe someday...

Birds

For the last two work shifts I have been a door greeter out in the lawn and garden center. It is seriously boring. About the only thing that keeps me entertained are the birds that have made the outdoor covered area their home. They are particularly colorful around eight to nine in the morning. Lots of chirping and flitting about. And today while sitting there alone (except for the birds) I got to thinking...thinking about what the birds are thinking. Thinking about general bird life.

Do birds get involved in abusive relationships? Do they harp on their mate? Call each other bad names? Say shitty things to each other like, "Leave me alone you fucking psycho. I mean it. I will never love you so get over it and get a life."? Do they lie? Do they cheat on each other? Are they manipulative? Selfish? Violent? Rude? Abrasive? Do they tear each other down over and over? Play mind games? Use each other? Do they feel regret? Remorse? Hate? Do they experience heartbreak? Suffer harsh loneliness?

I wonder. I wonder what goes on in their little worlds. It all seems so simple for them. Fly here. Pick this up. Build a nest. Lay some eggs. Eat. Shit. Etc. I started wishing for a minute that I was a bird. That for a moment I could join their little world and see what really goes on. See if they feel any of the things we as humans do. And it got me to thinking about recent feelings I've had. And why. And about why people do what they do.

Why is it that people have the capacity to be so fucking cruel and evil? Why is it we hurt each other purposefully? What is the draw to cause pain? Why do we fall out of love? Or in love? Why do we have to create and experience such awful atrocities as war, murder, rape, abuse, etc? Why do some people's hearts shut off and go cold while others stay warm and bleed pain? Why does the outstretched hand get chopped off? Warmth and love rejected? What possesses people to be stupid assholes? I mean seriously. Seriously. I want to know. I want to know why good people get shit on by the world while the fucktards rule supreme. Why can't it be simple and clear cut...and nice. All I ask for is a little fucking nice. Argh. A little warmth. A little compassion. Some light in the dark cloud that seems ever present.

And all of these thoughts inspired by birds in a garden center.

"Who says..."

I can't be free? / From all the things I used to be / Rewrite my history. / Who says I can't be free?" - John Mayer

Today I choose freedom. Freedom from bullshit. Freedom from abuse. Freedom from crazy fucked up people. Freedom from the pain I have been bearing for no good reason. Freedom from all the chains that have held me down mentally and emotionally. Today I choose to be free. I hope this choice will hold through for a good long while as I write my future.

"Whatever it is...

that pulls the pin, that hurls you past the boundaries of your own life into a brief and total beauty, even for a moment, it is enough." Jeanette Winterson

I am forever searching for that something to pull my pin. It just seems to be elusive. *sigh*

Day 7 (morning)

"Our deepest fear..."

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles

I need to find my light again. It seems to have been stifled under a big pile of crap.

Day 4

Fuck the stupid fucking EVIL empire

And all the bullshit it stands for. I FUCKING HATE my job. And at this point I might as well not even have one. I have ZERO...count them ZERO fucking hours on the next two schedules. And I was told that I have to be a fucking people greeter to get hours but if I get scheduled more than 50% in that position I have to take a fucking pay cut. Which is what is likely going to happen according to the evil sucubus bitch who is my boss. Fuck her.

I am sick and fucking tired of being screwed over. By everything and everyone. I am an honest hard working guy just trying to get by and I just get constantly shit on. I've done the best I can and worked my ass off for them and have gotten shafted over and over. And lied to. Their fucking politics make me physically ill. Walking into that place makes me physically ill. And just overall disgusted. To the point I left early today. I got chewed and lied to once more and after realizing they had enough people I lied to them and left. I can't handle it. I can't handle having to go to a place that sets me off to the point of BAD things happening. A place that just drags me lower and lower every time. But I have to stick it out until I can find something else. Anything else. I can't just not work.

Tomorrow I am going to go inquire about the transfer I put in for almost a month ago. Even though it would still be working for the fucking evil empire at least it would hopefully be with people who are a little more intelligent instead of the pool of fucking stupid rednecks I have to deal with now. And if that doesn't work I am going to spend the first week off (unless I get labor work I'm trying for) finding another job. At this point I don't give a shit what. Going to go to the career center downtown and see what they have. As long as I can maintain the income I make now - or should say have been making since I seem to be losing it. I have four more days to work until the zero hours start. Whoopdeefuckingdoo. I wonder if I can even manage that. I need the money but it is just so damn hard. Guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and bend over and take it for a few more days and then god willing find something better.

So that is enough rant for the moment. I am seeing fucking red. I guess I am going to just swallow a few more pills and just try to go numb. I don't want anything else to do with this day. I just want to sleep. So that is what I'm going to try to do. Sleep so I can get up early and see what I can get done. I am beyond fucking exhausted...mentally, emotionally, physically. And the last thing I want to do is break even more than I already have. Thanks life.

Fuck you Day 3

Simple Things

Today (well I guess this is meant to be about yesterday too since it is after midnight) I am grateful for simple things in life. A warm shower. Clean sheets. Gas in my car. The undying love of the dog who is currently laying against my side, her nose at my elbow. A roof over my head. A job. A not shitty day at said job. A day off today. Decent food to eat. Things I seem to take for granted and overlook. I could continue this list with many more things but most are obvious.

I think right now the best thing for me is to focus on small, simple things. To take each day in small increments and break everything down into manageable pieces. Simple pieces. Pieces I can handle. The world has felt entirely too big and horribly overwhelming for quite some time now. And I think that is because I've looked too far ahead. I've played the "what if" game too much. I've taken things that were already simple and complicated them to the point of confusion and even pain. So it is back to basics.

I am proud of myself today for showering after work. For putting sheets on my bed. For at least a week now it seems I have been coming home dirty and falling into a bed with no sheets. In literal essence wallowing in my own filth and denying myself simple basic needs. Depression is to blame. When I get depressed I lose the desire and motivation to do simple things like keep myself and my surroundings clean. I just don't care. My hair is entirely too long as well and though I've been saying for weeks that I need a haircut I haven't actually gone to get one. I will remedy this some time this afternoon. I think that will help me to feel better about myself. And it is something simple. Maybe I will even get the laundry I washed a week ago folded and put away. Who knows. All I know is now it is down to one simple small step at a time. Simplicity in action and simplicity in thought. I think I can handle it.

Day 2

Failed experiment and new declaration

So my Zyprexa experiment only worked for one day. I ended up wigging out at work again last night and doing something really fucking stupid. I won't go into details other than to say it wasn't work related and I am still employed. And this leads me to my new declaration and a new sort of "experiment" if you will...

NO MORE DRAMA.

A friend of mine said to me something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that I need to stop perpetuating my own drama. Duh. As simple a statement as that wasn't able to get through my head until recently. I have CONTROL over whether or not I participate in, start or further drama. What a concept. I haven't utilized this control at all for a while. It's like I forgot I had it. But in the end all I can control is MYSELF. I make my choices. I dictate my reactions and responses if any. I have the power of choice. I have the power of control. So I am going to take that power and use it. And my first use is going to be to STOP perpetuating drama. To STOP participating in drama. To STOP creating drama.

As of today I declare myself a DRAMA FREE ZONE.

I will keep my personal drama to myself or express it in non dramatic ways if it needs expression. I will not entertain anyone else's drama. I will not perpetuate drama from the past. I will leave it be. And I sure as damn well hell will not create any new drama. I am too tired and too old to be dealing with dramatic crap. Even though I've been the one creating it lately. So time to grow up. Stop the drama. Stop the drama. Stop the drama.

Today I stop the drama.

PS - If you are reading this (you know who you are) I apologize for all of the drama I have caused and perpetuated in your life. I am truly sorry. I mean this post and I will do my damn best to stick to it for me. And maybe somewhere down the road we can reconnect and be drama free. Take care of yourself and know that I miss you.

Experiment

So today I tried an experiment. I figured since yesterday was so awful, why not give it a shot. I took a Zyprexa before work. And wow. What a marked difference. I feel soooo much better. I think this is a medicine I will be taking daily for a while during the day instead of as needed at night. Unlike Klonopin, it doesn't make me drowsy or otherwise klutzy and dumb. Though I was a little klutzy at work tonight, I just attribute it to fatigue.

It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.

I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.

And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...

"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte

"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer

I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.

Serenity

I'm not much of a praying man...but...

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Because I sure as hell don't seem to know the difference.