Presence

"The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers." ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Words I should take to heart. I have been lacking in the mindfulness department for a while it seems. And for this I am sorry. I will do my best to be more in tune and aware and put forth a positive presence for not only those I love, but for all.

Movin' On Up

"You've done me wrong
Your time is up
You took a sip
(Just a sip)
From the devils cup.

You broke my heart
There's no way back.
Move right outta here baby.
Go and pack your bags.

Just who do you think you are?
Stop acting like some kind of star.
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a woman baby if that's what you are.

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,
Yeah.

They brag a man has walked in space,
But you can't even find my place.
Mmm there ain't nothing
(Not a thing)
You can do
'Cause I've had enough of me
Baby being part of you.


Just who do you think you are?
This time you've gone too far.
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a woman baby if that's what you are.

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,
Yeah.

Movin' on up
Movin' on up
Movin' on up
Movin' on up

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,

Movin', movin', movin' nothing can stop me
Movin', movin' time to break free
Nothing can stop me"

- M People

This has been stuck in my head for a few days...

"'Cause I am barely breathing
I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you'd care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price the price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway..."

I have heard this song a million times and yet the words never really sunk in. I currently can't remember who it's by or remember much of the rest of the song (I could look it but up I have to go to work really soon). It is somewhat fitting to my life right now. Except the first part. I am breathing fine and I can find the air - though there was a time I couldn't. I'm just not sure who I'm kidding except myself. Because you've proven that you don't care. And if you do, you're doing a damn skippy job of hiding it. And for some reason I have been standing here waiting a fool for another day. Not sure about the price. But I am thinking it over still. And waiting still. For some kind of sign I guess.

27

Well today is officially my birthday and what I am counting as the end of the year for me. Forget the last month. 2009 is OVER for me.

I am really not sure what to say about this year other than it has been quite an experience. A roller coaster of events and emotion both awesome and terrible. Also, that I am not sad to close the book on it and open a new one with some nice fresh clean pages to fill.

I am still standing. I've been beaten down but I'm healing. I haven't gone cold. I haven't gone bitter. I am not jaded. I still have no regrets.

I am thankful for being able to smile. Being able to laugh. Being able to love (even if it isn't returned). Thankful for being loved. Thankful for those who wish to share their lives with me and those who allow me to share my life with them. Most of all I am thankful that I can still learn. Life is full of lessons and the day I stop being able to learn them is the day I want to depart this world.

For now I'll gladly take a last look, close the cover, shelf the book on my 26th year of life. Time for a fresh start. Thank you higher power for a new year.

"Who says..."

I can't be free? / From all the things I used to be / Rewrite my history. / Who says I can't be free?" - John Mayer

Today I choose freedom. Freedom from bullshit. Freedom from abuse. Freedom from crazy fucked up people. Freedom from the pain I have been bearing for no good reason. Freedom from all the chains that have held me down mentally and emotionally. Today I choose to be free. I hope this choice will hold through for a good long while as I write my future.

Simple Things

Today (well I guess this is meant to be about yesterday too since it is after midnight) I am grateful for simple things in life. A warm shower. Clean sheets. Gas in my car. The undying love of the dog who is currently laying against my side, her nose at my elbow. A roof over my head. A job. A not shitty day at said job. A day off today. Decent food to eat. Things I seem to take for granted and overlook. I could continue this list with many more things but most are obvious.

I think right now the best thing for me is to focus on small, simple things. To take each day in small increments and break everything down into manageable pieces. Simple pieces. Pieces I can handle. The world has felt entirely too big and horribly overwhelming for quite some time now. And I think that is because I've looked too far ahead. I've played the "what if" game too much. I've taken things that were already simple and complicated them to the point of confusion and even pain. So it is back to basics.

I am proud of myself today for showering after work. For putting sheets on my bed. For at least a week now it seems I have been coming home dirty and falling into a bed with no sheets. In literal essence wallowing in my own filth and denying myself simple basic needs. Depression is to blame. When I get depressed I lose the desire and motivation to do simple things like keep myself and my surroundings clean. I just don't care. My hair is entirely too long as well and though I've been saying for weeks that I need a haircut I haven't actually gone to get one. I will remedy this some time this afternoon. I think that will help me to feel better about myself. And it is something simple. Maybe I will even get the laundry I washed a week ago folded and put away. Who knows. All I know is now it is down to one simple small step at a time. Simplicity in action and simplicity in thought. I think I can handle it.

Day 2

214.3 Miles

I drove today in silence except for the wind from the windows, the occasional stir of my slumbering dog in the back seat and the rare buzz of a text message.

All I did was think. Think about how love - something that is supposed to be such a wonderful, happy, uplifting, positive, joyful thing - can be so miserable and cause so much pain. About how there is nothing in this world that hurts more than loving someone who will not accept or return love that is given. And how awful it is to not be able to stop loving that person. How the pain just endures despite the walls and shields thrown up around the heart. Because the pain is already there and the walls and shields won't do any good because the pain is already inside and already too much.

And now I have to think about how to relieve this pain. How to pick up what is left of the pieces of my heart and how to put them back together - if they can go back together at all. And I know for sure that if they do, my heart will never be the same. I have to figure out how to heal. How to move on. How to let go. And I hate these lessons. Because they hurt almost as much as the cause, if not more in some ways. And in the back of my mind I know it will just happen again. I will eventually just be broken again. I will open up my fragile heart and let someone in and give all I have to give and be shattered. Again. I just wonder how many times it will go this way until I finally find the one person who won't shatter me, or I just give up and go cold.

Failed experiment and new declaration

So my Zyprexa experiment only worked for one day. I ended up wigging out at work again last night and doing something really fucking stupid. I won't go into details other than to say it wasn't work related and I am still employed. And this leads me to my new declaration and a new sort of "experiment" if you will...

NO MORE DRAMA.

A friend of mine said to me something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that I need to stop perpetuating my own drama. Duh. As simple a statement as that wasn't able to get through my head until recently. I have CONTROL over whether or not I participate in, start or further drama. What a concept. I haven't utilized this control at all for a while. It's like I forgot I had it. But in the end all I can control is MYSELF. I make my choices. I dictate my reactions and responses if any. I have the power of choice. I have the power of control. So I am going to take that power and use it. And my first use is going to be to STOP perpetuating drama. To STOP participating in drama. To STOP creating drama.

As of today I declare myself a DRAMA FREE ZONE.

I will keep my personal drama to myself or express it in non dramatic ways if it needs expression. I will not entertain anyone else's drama. I will not perpetuate drama from the past. I will leave it be. And I sure as damn well hell will not create any new drama. I am too tired and too old to be dealing with dramatic crap. Even though I've been the one creating it lately. So time to grow up. Stop the drama. Stop the drama. Stop the drama.

Today I stop the drama.

PS - If you are reading this (you know who you are) I apologize for all of the drama I have caused and perpetuated in your life. I am truly sorry. I mean this post and I will do my damn best to stick to it for me. And maybe somewhere down the road we can reconnect and be drama free. Take care of yourself and know that I miss you.

Serenity

I'm not much of a praying man...but...

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Because I sure as hell don't seem to know the difference.

C'est la vie

My wheels have touched ground. I guess it's time for a new round and for a broken heart to mend. Time to figure out how to be alone and ok. Time to figure out how to self-preserve. Time to really let go. And not look back. I'll miss you.


"I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around

And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky

Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

Now your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end

Well, you wanted something beautiful
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something better than
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Oh!

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)"

- Foo Fighters

Self-Preservation

"A lot of us (myself included obviously) have a tendency to let the needs of others supersede our own, and sometimes it becomes not a matter of selfishness or ego but instead of self-preservation to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of ourselves.

So take care of yourself. It's not only that you deserve it, but that you need it."

These are not my words. But these words keep ringing in my ears. Not these exactly but the variations of them I have heard over and over and over in the last year. And more often in recent months.

The problem: I don't really know how. It seems I've always had someone else to take care of. Or taken on someone else to take care of. Or it feels like I've usually been so sick and "crippled" someone has had to step in and take care of me. And if no one does I just crumble and eventually sweep up the pieces and tape them back together as best I can. And the "repaired" me is often ok for a while but worse for wear in the long run.

This is a shitty pattern that needs to stop. It is just so hard to stop it because I am truly a caring, giving person. I want to help others. I want to fix things. And in doing so and being this way I don't fix myself. I don't give myself the things I REALLY need. I fill voids with things I THINK I need. Sorta live vicariously I guess. Maybe I do this as an avoidance technique. Maybe I figure if I can support others and fix their shit then I won't have to deal with mine. That's a possibility but I don't think it is always the case.

I think it is mostly just ingrained from childhood. Having to parent one's parent kinda messes with priorities of growing up. Having to step up so early I'm not sure I ever got a fair chance to learn how to self preserve beyond fighting tooth and nail for things. Sure I learned REAL quick how to take care of myself on a base level - get up on time, brush my teeth, cook food, clean myself up, get myself to school and daycare and activities. But I never learned what it meant to really self-preserve beyond a base level. To self-preserve in positive, non-survival related ways. Plus, I figured why should anyone have to go through what I've been through or anything else for that matter without support when I can be of support? When I can step up and help shoulder some of the burden?

In my efforts to self-preserve, I am not going to just stop caring about others. But I am going to definitely make an effort to be much more aware of my personal boundaries regarding how much I care and what if anything I allow myself to become involved in. I am going to make it a goal of mine for the next week to take a minimum of half an hour out of each day and do something just for me. Gonna see how this works. A few things I have identified that can be just for me are: reading a book, learning a new song on guitar, writing somewhere other than here, spending time with my dog outside in the sunshine.

The trick is going to be doing this without feeling guilty for it. I have fought this so hard in the past and am still fighting it. I am always thinking in the back of my mind about all of the other things I "should" be doing or "could" be doing. Things that "need" to be done. So maybe first I'll take care of a small something that needs to be done (put up clean laundry, do a few dishes, straighten up a mess or something along these lines) so I can feel accomplished and then take the self-preservation time. Maybe this will work. I sure hope so.

Anger

Anger is an issue I have had to deal with my whole life. As early as grade school I had outbursts of rage (sometimes sudden and blind) to the point where I did physical damage to property: kicked holes in walls, broke doors (kicked them in), smashed various objects. I spent a lot of allowance money on drywall for a good while. Once, in high school, I threw a chair at a glass door and oddly the chair broke. My intention was to shatter the door. But later I succeeded in the same task just in a different way. Though as I've gotten older, my tendency is to just turn the anger inward. I take the physical out on myself in the form of punching objects I cannot break - walls, doors, furniture - to leave bruises (I have almost broken my hand a number of times) and hitting myself repeatedly in the face to the point I have black eyes. And even occasionally I have cut myself in anger. And to be clear - I am nowhere near proud of this.

For me, anger that comes out towards other people is always verbal. I have never struck another person in anger unless I was struck first. And even then, my striking back has been rare and always in defense. I usually take the hit and just keep screaming or threaten to hit back and that usually shuts the other person down. My anger towards others comes in words...extremely harsh and hateful, straight to the jugular words.

I have learned to control the anger inside me a little better over time and it has dulled some. But it still dwells within me. I still harbor a lot of anger towards my mother for my upbringing. And I currently hold anger towards her for remarks and actions made in the recent past. There is anger towards other family members as well in regards to their shitty reactions to my transition. I am also currently angry with myself for some recent incidents and failures in areas where I was striving for success. And unfortunately, in the last year I have engaged in some of the actions listed above as recently as this past week. I have a bruise on my wrist from hitting my steering wheel and cuts on my left shoulder.

I have been in and out of therapy for the past twelve years. When I was fifteen I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Within the last few months I went to the ER and then to a crisis stabilization unit for three days to keep myself from having to go inpatient. I have been on 10 different psychiatric medicines on and off in different combinations over this time as well (currently on 3). Though I've never been told I need anger management classes. Never have really, truly, addressed the issues of my anger head on in the context of the anger and not the situation. If that makes any sense.

Looking back, some of my major life decisions have been made out of some form of anger and/or rebellion. Some to my good, some to my detriment. My choice to fail miserably in high school was to spite my mother's overbearing and controlling perfectionism she was bound and determined to force on me (and did since I can remember). My choice to go to the college I went to was to piss off my family (they're all in health care and I went to music school) and to get as far away from my mother as physically possible because being anywhere near her just pissed me off. We were totally unable to coexist in any peaceful or healthy manner. And we still aren't. I have let anger control me in these and other ways.

I have had family members accuse me of harboring massive amounts of anger towards my mother, though they do not and cannot ever know the true extent of the abusive upbringing I had. Or the abuse I endured through college. Or the shit I have gotten from her within the last few months. And I have family members now accusing me of transitioning just to piss them off and fuck with them. They say I am doing it out of spite and because I am just so mad at them. I want to fuck with them. Because I'm angry. And if I could only let go of the anger I wouldn't have to change.

The truth is my choice and need to transition has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with anger towards anyone. Though I am angry at my lot in life. Angry that I was born into a body that I have never been able to like, let alone fully accept and that doesn't reflect the individual I am inside (though I'm getting closer). But I have accepted that I am who I am. And now that I have done that and taken steps towards seeking medical assistance in correcting the physical issues, that anger is fading and I can honestly say that I am happier with myself more than I have ever been. Though it is nowhere near an easy process, I have hope.

I would say my biggest issue with anger is that I have often unknowingly bottled it up for too long. I think I've let it go, but I really haven't. And then it just explodes. And the things I am not proud of happen. I become destructive. Thankfully these episodes have become fewer and farther apart, but they are still happening and they need to be addressed. I don't bottle it up for too long now so much as I just explode. And this is NOT a good thing.

Anger is an extremely powerful emotion and one that needs to be handled appropriately or it can be devastatingly dangerous and even fatal. I have seen people do and say some unspeakably horrid things out of anger. I have seen people crumble physically and emotionally in the grip of anger. And I too have said and done things out of anger that I wish to god every day I could take back. The seed becomes planted and it is so tempting to let it grow. To nurture it. Because, damn it all, you have a right to be angry. And it can feel good. It can feel powerful. But it isn't healthy.

I have come to realize that anger is a mask. A wall to hide other underlying emotions like fear, hurt, guilt, shame, despair, etc. And that expressing anger in such ways as I've listed above just solidifies and reaffirms the anger and often encourages it to escalate. And because of the short term high anger can offer, it can become addictive. I have experienced this myself.

I have figured that if I stay angry, I won't have to deal with what is causing the anger. Won't have to deal with the REAL issue. I figure if I punch a wall I can let the anger out. And it feels good. It makes the anger visible. I can see the bruises and watch them heal. But the anger that caused the bruises often still remains under the surface masking the issues that got me angry in the first place.

I have decided that now is the time to address the anger itself and how I handle it. To address the issues causing the anger instead of just being angry. To tackle some tough ass stuff one piece at a time so I can stop the cycle of unhealthy, destructive behavior. So I can let some of it go. Because I haven't been able to do so to this point. And one of my steps is to call in the morning and make a therapy appointment so I can get the ball rolling. I've addressed some of the issues but not nearly all of them and definitely not to the extent that they need to be addressed. I am tired of letting anger get the better of me. Tired of the physical and emotional distress it causes. Tired of looking at the bruises and scars. It's time to take off the mask and really look at what is underneath.

Today I am OK

After a day of grief, I think I am doing better. Maybe it is the pills. Maybe it is the sunshine. But I'm doing better. I have some good things to look forward to and to hope for.

To name one: I applied for a work transfer. I spoke to my store manager and explained my situation and he said he would approve it. I also took the supervisory assessment and passed it. Both stores I am interested in transferring to have open positions in this area. So maybe next week I will get a call saying, "Hey we want you to come and take this position." This could mean full time status and benefits. Which would mean more money. And also hopefully, day shift hours. Though I don't want to work for the Evil Empire forever, I will climb the ladder I'm on for now until a better one comes along.

To name another: though I have been a hormonal mess (the Depo shot didn't do a damn thing it was supposed to), my doctor did a battery of blood work to test for different things. Hopefully I will get some answers as to why my body is such a mess. Why my chemistry seems so bound and determined to fuck with me in bad ways. And not only that, I got a chance to further discuss with her my goals concerning transitioning. Though she said she isn't comfortable prescribing me T (she has never had a trans patient), she said she would do her best to find out more about it and possibly someone else who deals in such matters and refer me. I also have a friend who is a transman who has been on T for 2 years that offered to speak to his doctor about me and ask if they would be willing to contact my doctor.

One more: I get paid on Thursday. And that is never a bad thing.

So despite some turmoil I am choosing to focus on the positive things and positive potentials I have in my life right now. And to move forward. I am choosing to be ok, though I would prefer happy. And I hope happy will come soon. For now I'll take ok.

Stuck...

I have been feeling more and more lately that I am starting to get stuck in a rut. Work, relationships and just life overall seem to be flat-lining and I don't know what to do to kick start a change.

I am disgusted with my job. It just keeps getting worse and I haven't had any time to make an effort for one reason or another just yet to find a new one. And now I am out on worker's comp for a day and on steroids for a week because of an incident last night. So depending on how all this plays out I might just have to find a job pretty damn quick because I have a strange feeling they'll be gunning for me. They don't like me anyway for whatever reason and I've been discriminated against by management in backhanded ways and sexually harassed twice by coworkers as is. All incidents have been reported, though not handled very well on their end. This is just one more thing to them. One more reason to find an excuse to get me out of their hair.

As far as relationships are concerned, I seem to be going in circles. With everyone. My mother, the rest of my family, my friends, my "lover". Seems I feel something gets resolved or there is a step forward and then it just goes backwards. And then right back to where it was. Or worse. No true forward motion. At least that I can see. And this is getting frustrating to the point of me just wanting to cut everyone out. Especially with the holiday season sneaking ever closer (an issue unto itself).

I seem to be back to the point of wanting to just pick up and move somewhere and just start over. Anywhere I can be the real me from day one and no one will have to know the truth. Go ahead and legally change my name. Find a doctor and start T. Find a job that will allow me to be who I am where I don't have to hide or be in fear. Get off all the damn pills I have to take for various reasons.

The worst part of all of this is that right now none of these are really feasible options. And the reason is mostly money. And also the issues I am being treated for: depression, anxiety, PMDD and sleep issues. All of these make it super hard to get the motivation to be anything other than slow and methodical. To just keep plodding like a hamster in a wheel. It is wearing me out. Truly. I feel more and more drained by everything as each day passes and I don't feel like I have anything to even remotely replenish me in the ways I need to be replenished. Or anything to show for the efforts I put forth.

The other worst part of it all is that I'm not programmed to quit. For whatever reason I do just keep going. Sometimes until I hit rock ass bottom. I'm not there yet but I'm floating towards that line. I guess I need to sit down and do some serious reflection on my life and what I want to change. And figure my options out...pros and cons of those changes and if I can implement them and if so when.

Maybe when I have four days off in a row in a week or so I'll see if I can get a friend to watch my dog and take a hiking trip. Bust out all the old backpacking gear and just tromp into the woods somewhere for a few days. Spend some time with nature and a journal and get some thoughts down. Really get a chance to think.

For now I'm going to go to my first support group meeting tomorrow and hopefully get some info on how to start making the physical changes I need to make. And then I'll have therapy in a week and some. Maybe by then something will give and I can take even a small step forward. A small step so I can feel less stuck.

I hit a big ass bump in the road and...

After a trip to the ER and a three day stay in a crisis stabilization unit I have had a new medicine added to my cocktail and have gotten a shot in the ass. Unfortunately, it wasn't the shot I wanted. The syringe was full of Depo Prevara. Apparently I have PMDD. All kinds of awesome. Hopefully the Depo will do what my doctor says it will do and actually stop my periods. Guess this will have to do until I can get approved for T.

As for the new meds, they put me on Zyprexa. So far it seems to be working. The most common side effect reported seems to be weight gain. And it looks like that is the truth for Depo too. Hopefully by staying active I can ward off the pounds I've worked to lose.

Work is sucking at the moment. My hours went from about 34/wk to 8/wk. I've had a few discussions with different members of management and have reached no resolution and have been given no explanation as to why this occurred. Hopefully I can get some answers when I go back for my one day this coming week. In the meantime I am going to explore other options and avenues. The people at the CSU actually mentioned to me that they want me to come back to at least volunteer as a peer counselor if not take a job with them. Go figure. I also need to follow up on a few apps I put in a while ago just out of curiosity.

So that's what has been going on the last week. I feel better. So that is a plus. I feel like I've sorta switched mental directions while my eyes have been opened to a few things. I will write more on this when I have more time and the inspiration strikes. For now I am going to enjoy my weekend.

Lessons to be learned...

So it seems once again I am faced with two lessons I still have yet to learn: picking my battles and knowing when to walk away. And I have recently failed MISERABLY at both. The result: physical and emotional pain, humiliation, shame, regret. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and now I look back and realize that if I'd just let it slide and walked away I could have avoided the massive explosion that occurred. And I was even being pushed to do so. But I didn't. Why? That is something I've been doing a lot of thinking on lately. Here is what I've come up with...

I am a born fighter. I am also a programmed fighter. I have spent my whole life watching those around me battle over things great and small with the ones they love. And I have spent my whole life battling over things great and small with the ones I love. And for what? Well there are a lot of reasons - to win, to prove a point, to protect/defend myself, for sheer spite, to be an asshole. The programming comes into play in how I fight (and believe me I've learned from the best): I go straight for what hurts the other person the most. I figure if I can shut them down in one blow I win and it's over. Wrong. Has any of it worked? Historically, obviously, no. So why do I keep it up? Habit. Force of fucking habit.

I read somewhere once that it takes 28 days to form a habit. And it can take a lifetime to break a habit. This is a habit I must break. Instead of fight I need another option. I'm not built for flight and I don't believe in running away. I guess I need to learn how to find a middle ground. Learn how to balance the fight with some common sense and clarity. Learn how to stop and take a deep breath and count to 10 in the heat of it before I go straight for the jugular and ask myself, "What result will I get if I attack and is it truly worth it?" If I had done this recently I wouldn't be where I'm at now. If I'd done this in the past things would be different. But, alas, I've walked the road to this point and here I am once again feeling like a total fuck up and on the verge of losing someone I care for deeply. Someone I love. All because I couldn't let go. Couldn't walk away. Couldn't be a stronger man. Couldn't break the cycle. And really, honestly, in a lot of ways I haven't been aware of the cycle. But now that I have identified it, I sure as hell am going to make a very concerted effort to put it to a halt.

I am so deeply sorry. There is no excuse for my behavior. And it will stop. I promise. Change is here.