I have been feeling more and more lately that I am starting to get stuck in a rut. Work, relationships and just life overall seem to be flat-lining and I don't know what to do to kick start a change.
I am disgusted with my job. It just keeps getting worse and I haven't had any time to make an effort for one reason or another just yet to find a new one. And now I am out on worker's comp for a day and on steroids for a week because of an incident last night. So depending on how all this plays out I might just have to find a job pretty damn quick because I have a strange feeling they'll be gunning for me. They don't like me anyway for whatever reason and I've been discriminated against by management in backhanded ways and sexually harassed twice by coworkers as is. All incidents have been reported, though not handled very well on their end. This is just one more thing to them. One more reason to find an excuse to get me out of their hair.
As far as relationships are concerned, I seem to be going in circles. With everyone. My mother, the rest of my family, my friends, my "lover". Seems I feel something gets resolved or there is a step forward and then it just goes backwards. And then right back to where it was. Or worse. No true forward motion. At least that I can see. And this is getting frustrating to the point of me just wanting to cut everyone out. Especially with the holiday season sneaking ever closer (an issue unto itself).
I seem to be back to the point of wanting to just pick up and move somewhere and just start over. Anywhere I can be the real me from day one and no one will have to know the truth. Go ahead and legally change my name. Find a doctor and start T. Find a job that will allow me to be who I am where I don't have to hide or be in fear. Get off all the damn pills I have to take for various reasons.
The worst part of all of this is that right now none of these are really feasible options. And the reason is mostly money. And also the issues I am being treated for: depression, anxiety, PMDD and sleep issues. All of these make it super hard to get the motivation to be anything other than slow and methodical. To just keep plodding like a hamster in a wheel. It is wearing me out. Truly. I feel more and more drained by everything as each day passes and I don't feel like I have anything to even remotely replenish me in the ways I need to be replenished. Or anything to show for the efforts I put forth.
The other worst part of it all is that I'm not programmed to quit. For whatever reason I do just keep going. Sometimes until I hit rock ass bottom. I'm not there yet but I'm floating towards that line. I guess I need to sit down and do some serious reflection on my life and what I want to change. And figure my options out...pros and cons of those changes and if I can implement them and if so when.
Maybe when I have four days off in a row in a week or so I'll see if I can get a friend to watch my dog and take a hiking trip. Bust out all the old backpacking gear and just tromp into the woods somewhere for a few days. Spend some time with nature and a journal and get some thoughts down. Really get a chance to think.
For now I'm going to go to my first support group meeting tomorrow and hopefully get some info on how to start making the physical changes I need to make. And then I'll have therapy in a week and some. Maybe by then something will give and I can take even a small step forward. A small step so I can feel less stuck.