So my Zyprexa experiment only worked for one day. I ended up wigging out at work again last night and doing something really fucking stupid. I won't go into details other than to say it wasn't work related and I am still employed. And this leads me to my new declaration and a new sort of "experiment" if you will...
NO MORE DRAMA.
A friend of mine said to me something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that I need to stop perpetuating my own drama. Duh. As simple a statement as that wasn't able to get through my head until recently. I have CONTROL over whether or not I participate in, start or further drama. What a concept. I haven't utilized this control at all for a while. It's like I forgot I had it. But in the end all I can control is MYSELF. I make my choices. I dictate my reactions and responses if any. I have the power of choice. I have the power of control. So I am going to take that power and use it. And my first use is going to be to STOP perpetuating drama. To STOP participating in drama. To STOP creating drama.
As of today I declare myself a DRAMA FREE ZONE.
I will keep my personal drama to myself or express it in non dramatic ways if it needs expression. I will not entertain anyone else's drama. I will not perpetuate drama from the past. I will leave it be. And I sure as damn well hell will not create any new drama. I am too tired and too old to be dealing with dramatic crap. Even though I've been the one creating it lately. So time to grow up. Stop the drama. Stop the drama. Stop the drama.
Today I stop the drama.
PS - If you are reading this (you know who you are) I apologize for all of the drama I have caused and perpetuated in your life. I am truly sorry. I mean this post and I will do my damn best to stick to it for me. And maybe somewhere down the road we can reconnect and be drama free. Take care of yourself and know that I miss you.
10/10/09
Experiment
So today I tried an experiment. I figured since yesterday was so awful, why not give it a shot. I took a Zyprexa before work. And wow. What a marked difference. I feel soooo much better. I think this is a medicine I will be taking daily for a while during the day instead of as needed at night. Unlike Klonopin, it doesn't make me drowsy or otherwise klutzy and dumb. Though I was a little klutzy at work tonight, I just attribute it to fatigue.
It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.
I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.
And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...
"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte
"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer
I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.
It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.
I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.
And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...
"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte
"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer
I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.
10/9/09
Serenity
I'm not much of a praying man...but...
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Because I sure as hell don't seem to know the difference.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Because I sure as hell don't seem to know the difference.
C'est la vie
My wheels have touched ground. I guess it's time for a new round and for a broken heart to mend. Time to figure out how to be alone and ok. Time to figure out how to self-preserve. Time to really let go. And not look back. I'll miss you.
"I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around
And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky
Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason and
Something to lose
When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Now your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end
Well, you wanted something beautiful
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something better than
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason and
Something to lose
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Oh!
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)"
- Foo Fighters
"I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around
And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky
Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason and
Something to lose
When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Now your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end
Well, you wanted something beautiful
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something better than
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason and
Something to lose
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Oh!
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)"
- Foo Fighters
10/8/09
Self-Preservation
"A lot of us (myself included obviously) have a tendency to let the needs of others supersede our own, and sometimes it becomes not a matter of selfishness or ego but instead of self-preservation to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of ourselves.
So take care of yourself. It's not only that you deserve it, but that you need it."
These are not my words. But these words keep ringing in my ears. Not these exactly but the variations of them I have heard over and over and over in the last year. And more often in recent months.
The problem: I don't really know how. It seems I've always had someone else to take care of. Or taken on someone else to take care of. Or it feels like I've usually been so sick and "crippled" someone has had to step in and take care of me. And if no one does I just crumble and eventually sweep up the pieces and tape them back together as best I can. And the "repaired" me is often ok for a while but worse for wear in the long run.
This is a shitty pattern that needs to stop. It is just so hard to stop it because I am truly a caring, giving person. I want to help others. I want to fix things. And in doing so and being this way I don't fix myself. I don't give myself the things I REALLY need. I fill voids with things I THINK I need. Sorta live vicariously I guess. Maybe I do this as an avoidance technique. Maybe I figure if I can support others and fix their shit then I won't have to deal with mine. That's a possibility but I don't think it is always the case.
I think it is mostly just ingrained from childhood. Having to parent one's parent kinda messes with priorities of growing up. Having to step up so early I'm not sure I ever got a fair chance to learn how to self preserve beyond fighting tooth and nail for things. Sure I learned REAL quick how to take care of myself on a base level - get up on time, brush my teeth, cook food, clean myself up, get myself to school and daycare and activities. But I never learned what it meant to really self-preserve beyond a base level. To self-preserve in positive, non-survival related ways. Plus, I figured why should anyone have to go through what I've been through or anything else for that matter without support when I can be of support? When I can step up and help shoulder some of the burden?
In my efforts to self-preserve, I am not going to just stop caring about others. But I am going to definitely make an effort to be much more aware of my personal boundaries regarding how much I care and what if anything I allow myself to become involved in. I am going to make it a goal of mine for the next week to take a minimum of half an hour out of each day and do something just for me. Gonna see how this works. A few things I have identified that can be just for me are: reading a book, learning a new song on guitar, writing somewhere other than here, spending time with my dog outside in the sunshine.
The trick is going to be doing this without feeling guilty for it. I have fought this so hard in the past and am still fighting it. I am always thinking in the back of my mind about all of the other things I "should" be doing or "could" be doing. Things that "need" to be done. So maybe first I'll take care of a small something that needs to be done (put up clean laundry, do a few dishes, straighten up a mess or something along these lines) so I can feel accomplished and then take the self-preservation time. Maybe this will work. I sure hope so.
So take care of yourself. It's not only that you deserve it, but that you need it."
These are not my words. But these words keep ringing in my ears. Not these exactly but the variations of them I have heard over and over and over in the last year. And more often in recent months.
The problem: I don't really know how. It seems I've always had someone else to take care of. Or taken on someone else to take care of. Or it feels like I've usually been so sick and "crippled" someone has had to step in and take care of me. And if no one does I just crumble and eventually sweep up the pieces and tape them back together as best I can. And the "repaired" me is often ok for a while but worse for wear in the long run.
This is a shitty pattern that needs to stop. It is just so hard to stop it because I am truly a caring, giving person. I want to help others. I want to fix things. And in doing so and being this way I don't fix myself. I don't give myself the things I REALLY need. I fill voids with things I THINK I need. Sorta live vicariously I guess. Maybe I do this as an avoidance technique. Maybe I figure if I can support others and fix their shit then I won't have to deal with mine. That's a possibility but I don't think it is always the case.
I think it is mostly just ingrained from childhood. Having to parent one's parent kinda messes with priorities of growing up. Having to step up so early I'm not sure I ever got a fair chance to learn how to self preserve beyond fighting tooth and nail for things. Sure I learned REAL quick how to take care of myself on a base level - get up on time, brush my teeth, cook food, clean myself up, get myself to school and daycare and activities. But I never learned what it meant to really self-preserve beyond a base level. To self-preserve in positive, non-survival related ways. Plus, I figured why should anyone have to go through what I've been through or anything else for that matter without support when I can be of support? When I can step up and help shoulder some of the burden?
In my efforts to self-preserve, I am not going to just stop caring about others. But I am going to definitely make an effort to be much more aware of my personal boundaries regarding how much I care and what if anything I allow myself to become involved in. I am going to make it a goal of mine for the next week to take a minimum of half an hour out of each day and do something just for me. Gonna see how this works. A few things I have identified that can be just for me are: reading a book, learning a new song on guitar, writing somewhere other than here, spending time with my dog outside in the sunshine.
The trick is going to be doing this without feeling guilty for it. I have fought this so hard in the past and am still fighting it. I am always thinking in the back of my mind about all of the other things I "should" be doing or "could" be doing. Things that "need" to be done. So maybe first I'll take care of a small something that needs to be done (put up clean laundry, do a few dishes, straighten up a mess or something along these lines) so I can feel accomplished and then take the self-preservation time. Maybe this will work. I sure hope so.
10/2/09
Credit to a friend for putting this up on Facebook
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBR0dq0XXk
Trailer for the documentary "For The Bible Tells Me So" a documentary reconciling Biblical scripture and homosexuality.
Gonna go try to rent it. Doubt I'll find it but I bet Netflix has it if I sign back up.
Trailer for the documentary "For The Bible Tells Me So" a documentary reconciling Biblical scripture and homosexuality.
Gonna go try to rent it. Doubt I'll find it but I bet Netflix has it if I sign back up.
10/1/09
Tonight I miss you...
You are on my mind. Weighing heavy on my heart. Memories of you are flooding my brain. Your beautiful smile. Your free and contagious laughter. Your eyes and the look that has captured my heart so many times. The feel of your body wrapped in my arms. How your head feels lying on my shoulder. The way you are always on your toes. How your lips feel so soft against mine. And how the taste of your cherry lip gloss lingers on my mouth. How you hold onto me so tightly in that moment of bliss when we become one. Your nightgowns and how they feel against my skin. And how incredibly sexy you look in them. Your purple dress and how we were both still finding glitter in random places two weeks later. The way you sing along without abandon to whatever music is playing. The way you dance. So free and joyous. And how all I can do is stand and watch in awe until you pull me close and make me move with you. Your total randomness in conversation. And your matter of fact opinions and fantastic advice. Your undying love for your children. Hearing you read bed time stories to them at night. Seeing you be such a wonderful mother and the joy they bring you. And I could go on and on...
I wish so much that I could get these moments back. And I wish even more that there will be more down the road. But I have no guarantee. So for now I will hold on to what I have. And love you from a distance. A distance that I hope someday can shrink instead of widen as it seems to have done as of late. And that I won't have to miss you as I do now.
Because tonight...I miss you.
I wish so much that I could get these moments back. And I wish even more that there will be more down the road. But I have no guarantee. So for now I will hold on to what I have. And love you from a distance. A distance that I hope someday can shrink instead of widen as it seems to have done as of late. And that I won't have to miss you as I do now.
Because tonight...I miss you.
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