The new year approaches

and I have absolutely no words to describe how fuckin shitty this year has been. If and/or when I do I'll let ya know. For now: FUCK YOU 2009.

Movin' On Up

"You've done me wrong
Your time is up
You took a sip
(Just a sip)
From the devils cup.

You broke my heart
There's no way back.
Move right outta here baby.
Go and pack your bags.

Just who do you think you are?
Stop acting like some kind of star.
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a woman baby if that's what you are.

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,
Yeah.

They brag a man has walked in space,
But you can't even find my place.
Mmm there ain't nothing
(Not a thing)
You can do
'Cause I've had enough of me
Baby being part of you.


Just who do you think you are?
This time you've gone too far.
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a woman baby if that's what you are.

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,
Yeah.

Movin' on up
Movin' on up
Movin' on up
Movin' on up

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,

Movin', movin', movin' nothing can stop me
Movin', movin' time to break free
Nothing can stop me"

- M People

This has been stuck in my head for a few days...

"'Cause I am barely breathing
I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you'd care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price the price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway..."

I have heard this song a million times and yet the words never really sunk in. I currently can't remember who it's by or remember much of the rest of the song (I could look it but up I have to go to work really soon). It is somewhat fitting to my life right now. Except the first part. I am breathing fine and I can find the air - though there was a time I couldn't. I'm just not sure who I'm kidding except myself. Because you've proven that you don't care. And if you do, you're doing a damn skippy job of hiding it. And for some reason I have been standing here waiting a fool for another day. Not sure about the price. But I am thinking it over still. And waiting still. For some kind of sign I guess.

"Untouchable Face"

My answer to Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" just for you...

"think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much..."

Thank you Ani Difranco

What does one do with a life that has been filled with inconsistency, empty promises and hollow threats?

27

Well today is officially my birthday and what I am counting as the end of the year for me. Forget the last month. 2009 is OVER for me.

I am really not sure what to say about this year other than it has been quite an experience. A roller coaster of events and emotion both awesome and terrible. Also, that I am not sad to close the book on it and open a new one with some nice fresh clean pages to fill.

I am still standing. I've been beaten down but I'm healing. I haven't gone cold. I haven't gone bitter. I am not jaded. I still have no regrets.

I am thankful for being able to smile. Being able to laugh. Being able to love (even if it isn't returned). Thankful for being loved. Thankful for those who wish to share their lives with me and those who allow me to share my life with them. Most of all I am thankful that I can still learn. Life is full of lessons and the day I stop being able to learn them is the day I want to depart this world.

For now I'll gladly take a last look, close the cover, shelf the book on my 26th year of life. Time for a fresh start. Thank you higher power for a new year.

10 years

Since I last saw the psychiatrist I saw today. It was kind of odd trying to summarize the last ten years of my history - personal, medical, etc. She is a lot cooler than I remember and was fine when I told her about my transition. She even smiled when I told her how well my social transition has gone to this point. Lots of technical talk ensued about my medication history past and present and her conclusion was to add another medicine to my cocktail...

Apparently severe depression (like I have) can be unresponsive to antidepressants without the help of other medicines. Mood stabilizers seem to be the trick in cases like mine. I am already on one (it was given as an as needed but a few weeks ago I was told to take it regularly) and the new one she added should work well with the current one and the antidepressant I am taking. One is in the anti-psychotic family and the new one is an anti-convulsive. I have no idea exactly how these all work together but I trust her. She has been in practice for at least 10 years so I figure she knows what she is doing. Hopefully between the meds and regular therapy I can get back to a stable state and maybe even to a happy one.

On another note, I went to the local career center and got in with them. They immediately gave me three leads for new jobs and I dropped off an application for one first thing this morning before my appointment. It is a security job and I think it would be a good fit. I'm not in a place to be dealing with a lot of people one on one like in a front end retail position. I would prefer a more solitary assignment for the time being. I am keeping my fingers crossed that if this doesn't work out something else through the center will work out soon. I hope to have a new job by the beginning of the year. Work has been a huge trigger for me and that needs to change.

I'm starting to move my life in a better direction and it is taking these small steps that will get it going. One small step at a time. I can do it.