Now what....?

Right now all I can think of is the cliche "when a door closes somewhere a window opens" or however it goes. Meaning, I guess that with every "end" comes a new "beginning" of sorts. But what if you don't want the door to close? How long can you stand and push against it? Can it be propped open? And hell...after it closes who is to say how long it will take to find the supposedly open window? Lots of questions for me these days. And I'm having trouble figuring out where to seek the answers.

I'm in essence staring at a blank page. I can put whatever I want on it. But this blank page is the next in a notebook that contains many many full pages behind it. Some pages I wish I could turn back to. Some I'd just as soon rip out and burn. In a lot of ways I'm tempted to just toss the book and start over. Right now that feels right. Find the reset button and smash it down. And I guess there really is no better time than now.

So now what? I guess I'll try to keep the door propped open and hope it stays while I go and try to find a window. Oh. And take my medication. Yay for better living through pharmaceuticals.

Who's eyes am I behind?

I look in the mirror and I have no clue who I see. Is it the woman that my body represents? Or is it the man that inhabits my mind?
Should a person hate what they see when they look at themselves? Is the need to want to punch the reflection anywhere near normal?
What is behind the eyes? The eyes that one day are familiar. One day are bright. One day are clouded. One day empty. One day dark. Who is in there?
I can’t translate the image in the mirror into anything some days. The view is totally foreign. Other days I see the sad, lonely, scared pathetic individual who dwells there. And some rare days I see the confident, strong, capable and worthwhile individual I should be. Key word: should.
How do I unlock the real me? How do I even know who that is? I can’t make the pieces fit. I can’t match the inside with the out. And to do so is going to take a long time. And resources I don’t yet have. And even then will the self-image in my brain match what I see? I don’t know.

2:54am

Sometimes life comes with an enormous amount of pain and confusion. The hurt is so deep it gets to the point where only numbness is left. It becomes so comfortable that to live without it is unbearable. And you become trapped. Trapped between torment and that tiny grain of reasoning stuffed somewhere way back in a dusty corner of the mind telling you, "This isn't right. You don't need to live like this." Torn by a heart gone half cold that wants to love but forgot how. How do you try when everything is blank? When nothing makes any sense? When the pain has consumed you? When you feel utterly and completely alone...who do you turn to?

To someone else...

I can't show myself but I can't hide myself. And the pressure of holding it all in to protect everyone else just builds and builds. ... And I'm working on it. The whole self respect thing. Because I deserve it. I know I do. Just so damn hard sometimes. So hard. It is sad that I'm laughed at and called too nice by men for treating women with basic courtesy when they should take notes. So many lack the capacity, compassion and most often even the desire to understand, let alone comprehend difference. And even then some still can't accept it on a base level, let alone embrace it. I would be fine for the rest of my life conforming on the outside when need be to be able to have one person who accepts me.