11/30/09
11/26/09
27
Well today is officially my birthday and what I am counting as the end of the year for me. Forget the last month. 2009 is OVER for me.
I am really not sure what to say about this year other than it has been quite an experience. A roller coaster of events and emotion both awesome and terrible. Also, that I am not sad to close the book on it and open a new one with some nice fresh clean pages to fill.
I am still standing. I've been beaten down but I'm healing. I haven't gone cold. I haven't gone bitter. I am not jaded. I still have no regrets.
I am thankful for being able to smile. Being able to laugh. Being able to love (even if it isn't returned). Thankful for being loved. Thankful for those who wish to share their lives with me and those who allow me to share my life with them. Most of all I am thankful that I can still learn. Life is full of lessons and the day I stop being able to learn them is the day I want to depart this world.
For now I'll gladly take a last look, close the cover, shelf the book on my 26th year of life. Time for a fresh start. Thank you higher power for a new year.
I am really not sure what to say about this year other than it has been quite an experience. A roller coaster of events and emotion both awesome and terrible. Also, that I am not sad to close the book on it and open a new one with some nice fresh clean pages to fill.
I am still standing. I've been beaten down but I'm healing. I haven't gone cold. I haven't gone bitter. I am not jaded. I still have no regrets.
I am thankful for being able to smile. Being able to laugh. Being able to love (even if it isn't returned). Thankful for being loved. Thankful for those who wish to share their lives with me and those who allow me to share my life with them. Most of all I am thankful that I can still learn. Life is full of lessons and the day I stop being able to learn them is the day I want to depart this world.
For now I'll gladly take a last look, close the cover, shelf the book on my 26th year of life. Time for a fresh start. Thank you higher power for a new year.
11/23/09
10 years
Since I last saw the psychiatrist I saw today. It was kind of odd trying to summarize the last ten years of my history - personal, medical, etc. She is a lot cooler than I remember and was fine when I told her about my transition. She even smiled when I told her how well my social transition has gone to this point. Lots of technical talk ensued about my medication history past and present and her conclusion was to add another medicine to my cocktail...
Apparently severe depression (like I have) can be unresponsive to antidepressants without the help of other medicines. Mood stabilizers seem to be the trick in cases like mine. I am already on one (it was given as an as needed but a few weeks ago I was told to take it regularly) and the new one she added should work well with the current one and the antidepressant I am taking. One is in the anti-psychotic family and the new one is an anti-convulsive. I have no idea exactly how these all work together but I trust her. She has been in practice for at least 10 years so I figure she knows what she is doing. Hopefully between the meds and regular therapy I can get back to a stable state and maybe even to a happy one.
On another note, I went to the local career center and got in with them. They immediately gave me three leads for new jobs and I dropped off an application for one first thing this morning before my appointment. It is a security job and I think it would be a good fit. I'm not in a place to be dealing with a lot of people one on one like in a front end retail position. I would prefer a more solitary assignment for the time being. I am keeping my fingers crossed that if this doesn't work out something else through the center will work out soon. I hope to have a new job by the beginning of the year. Work has been a huge trigger for me and that needs to change.
I'm starting to move my life in a better direction and it is taking these small steps that will get it going. One small step at a time. I can do it.
Apparently severe depression (like I have) can be unresponsive to antidepressants without the help of other medicines. Mood stabilizers seem to be the trick in cases like mine. I am already on one (it was given as an as needed but a few weeks ago I was told to take it regularly) and the new one she added should work well with the current one and the antidepressant I am taking. One is in the anti-psychotic family and the new one is an anti-convulsive. I have no idea exactly how these all work together but I trust her. She has been in practice for at least 10 years so I figure she knows what she is doing. Hopefully between the meds and regular therapy I can get back to a stable state and maybe even to a happy one.
On another note, I went to the local career center and got in with them. They immediately gave me three leads for new jobs and I dropped off an application for one first thing this morning before my appointment. It is a security job and I think it would be a good fit. I'm not in a place to be dealing with a lot of people one on one like in a front end retail position. I would prefer a more solitary assignment for the time being. I am keeping my fingers crossed that if this doesn't work out something else through the center will work out soon. I hope to have a new job by the beginning of the year. Work has been a huge trigger for me and that needs to change.
I'm starting to move my life in a better direction and it is taking these small steps that will get it going. One small step at a time. I can do it.
11/18/09
11/17/09
"Mamma I'm strange...
The thoughts and the wants are the locks on the back of my brain.
I'm descending, pretending I'm blending I'm going insane...
And they want me to change...
Mamma I'm strange."
- Melissa Etheridge
I'm descending, pretending I'm blending I'm going insane...
And they want me to change...
Mamma I'm strange."
- Melissa Etheridge
11/11/09
If I had the money
to buy new stuff...I would pile all of my worldly possessions save very precious few and pour gasoline on them and light a match and watch them burn. Because you have touched them all. And I want you gone.
11/9/09
I dreamed
about you last night. It was one of THOSE dreams too. And the weirdest part about the whole thing is that you called me by my given name. A name you've never used towards me purposefully. Especially during that particular act. I tried to correct you but for some reason I couldn't. Who knows. Dreams are fucked up anyway.
On another totally unrelated note: I had my follow up for my blood work for T. He told me everything looks good and I am set to go as soon as I have a letter. He said my new psychiatrist (will see her a week from today) could write the letter for me as well as the therapist he mentioned. So I have two possibilities for HRT letters. My concern is whether or not I'll be able to afford it. I don't know how much T costs and I have no insurance. So even with the letter it could be put on hold. It seems if I got insurance after I started that it would be a pre-existing condition and wouldn't be covered. Apparently this is tricky business. I could ask the support group but they pissed me off pretty badly. I asked them to remove me from their list but they haven't and I am still receiving emails. I wonder if I went to the meeting if they would say anything shitty. Guess the only way to know is to find out.
On another totally unrelated note: I had my follow up for my blood work for T. He told me everything looks good and I am set to go as soon as I have a letter. He said my new psychiatrist (will see her a week from today) could write the letter for me as well as the therapist he mentioned. So I have two possibilities for HRT letters. My concern is whether or not I'll be able to afford it. I don't know how much T costs and I have no insurance. So even with the letter it could be put on hold. It seems if I got insurance after I started that it would be a pre-existing condition and wouldn't be covered. Apparently this is tricky business. I could ask the support group but they pissed me off pretty badly. I asked them to remove me from their list but they haven't and I am still receiving emails. I wonder if I went to the meeting if they would say anything shitty. Guess the only way to know is to find out.
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