about you last night. It was one of THOSE dreams too. And the weirdest part about the whole thing is that you called me by my given name. A name you've never used towards me purposefully. Especially during that particular act. I tried to correct you but for some reason I couldn't. Who knows. Dreams are fucked up anyway.
On another totally unrelated note: I had my follow up for my blood work for T. He told me everything looks good and I am set to go as soon as I have a letter. He said my new psychiatrist (will see her a week from today) could write the letter for me as well as the therapist he mentioned. So I have two possibilities for HRT letters. My concern is whether or not I'll be able to afford it. I don't know how much T costs and I have no insurance. So even with the letter it could be put on hold. It seems if I got insurance after I started that it would be a pre-existing condition and wouldn't be covered. Apparently this is tricky business. I could ask the support group but they pissed me off pretty badly. I asked them to remove me from their list but they haven't and I am still receiving emails. I wonder if I went to the meeting if they would say anything shitty. Guess the only way to know is to find out.
Showing posts with label FTM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label FTM. Show all posts
11/9/09
10/25/09
Rocky Horror
Last night I went with my roommate to meet some of his friends to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Tennessee Theater. I should mention that I also FINALLY got a haircut yesterday evening. And it looks really good. It is what I wanted and I got complimented on it by other friends after the show at Rodger's. Anyway...
I had never met any of my roommate's friends. He introduced me by my male name rather than the nickname he met me by to friend number one we met on the street who would take us to the rest of the group. We got to the restaurant and met the rest of the group and I was again introduced by my male name. Things seemed to be going well. Except for one hitch...the woman sitting across from me kept referring to me with female pronouns. The rest of the group was using male pronouns. Having never met these people before, I wasn't sure how to handle this situation exactly. So I let it slide. I am definitely still not used to correcting people. Especially people I don't know. I need to work on this.
Later when we got to the theater, one of the guys bought me a beer since I had no cash and it was a cash only bar. He said, "and whatever SHE wants." Strike two. We get into the auditorium and he has never been there and asks where the restroom is. I offer to show him (I had to go too) and he seemed just a bit weirded out when I followed him into the men's room. Oh well. Maybe he got the point then.
I sent my roommate (who was sitting next to me) a text saying, "I think I am confusing your friends. Getting mixed pronouns and not sure what to do about it." He responded that the first friend we met on the street apparently bitched out the woman sitting across from me at the table at dinner over the female pronouns. Interesting.
So while it seems that I am passing more and more these days, I am still confusing some. I had a woman this last week who I met with other friends down in Atlanta make a comment on my short hair (I was introduced by my male name). She said I would look really good with long hair. I told her I am trans. She said, "Male to female?" And I wasn't exactly sure what to do with that. Though I took it as a compliment and explained that she had it backwards. She didn't care one way or another she just thought I was a cool person.
I think my "tell" is my mouth. I have very feminine lips and a beauty mark on the left side. Nothing I can do about that. Otherwise my hair and everything else says "man". The only other thing I could think is my voice. Not sure.
I feel like a sort of odd social experiment these days. Every time I go out (except to work) I wonder who will pick what. Who will choose which set of pronouns even though I give a male name and present as such. It is an interesting feeling. But at the end of the day I am just me. A man born into a female body doing his best to be true to himself despite his given limitations.
Side note: the show was kind of a flop. The projector bulbs fucked up twice and though there was a shadow cast, their timing was pretty off. Otherwise it was just fun to be around a bunch of goofy people screaming random shit at a screen and throwing various objects all over the place at the appointed time. Hurling toilet paper in an auditorium is a definite win in my book.
Day 3
I had never met any of my roommate's friends. He introduced me by my male name rather than the nickname he met me by to friend number one we met on the street who would take us to the rest of the group. We got to the restaurant and met the rest of the group and I was again introduced by my male name. Things seemed to be going well. Except for one hitch...the woman sitting across from me kept referring to me with female pronouns. The rest of the group was using male pronouns. Having never met these people before, I wasn't sure how to handle this situation exactly. So I let it slide. I am definitely still not used to correcting people. Especially people I don't know. I need to work on this.
Later when we got to the theater, one of the guys bought me a beer since I had no cash and it was a cash only bar. He said, "and whatever SHE wants." Strike two. We get into the auditorium and he has never been there and asks where the restroom is. I offer to show him (I had to go too) and he seemed just a bit weirded out when I followed him into the men's room. Oh well. Maybe he got the point then.
I sent my roommate (who was sitting next to me) a text saying, "I think I am confusing your friends. Getting mixed pronouns and not sure what to do about it." He responded that the first friend we met on the street apparently bitched out the woman sitting across from me at the table at dinner over the female pronouns. Interesting.
So while it seems that I am passing more and more these days, I am still confusing some. I had a woman this last week who I met with other friends down in Atlanta make a comment on my short hair (I was introduced by my male name). She said I would look really good with long hair. I told her I am trans. She said, "Male to female?" And I wasn't exactly sure what to do with that. Though I took it as a compliment and explained that she had it backwards. She didn't care one way or another she just thought I was a cool person.
I think my "tell" is my mouth. I have very feminine lips and a beauty mark on the left side. Nothing I can do about that. Otherwise my hair and everything else says "man". The only other thing I could think is my voice. Not sure.
I feel like a sort of odd social experiment these days. Every time I go out (except to work) I wonder who will pick what. Who will choose which set of pronouns even though I give a male name and present as such. It is an interesting feeling. But at the end of the day I am just me. A man born into a female body doing his best to be true to himself despite his given limitations.
Side note: the show was kind of a flop. The projector bulbs fucked up twice and though there was a shadow cast, their timing was pretty off. Otherwise it was just fun to be around a bunch of goofy people screaming random shit at a screen and throwing various objects all over the place at the appointed time. Hurling toilet paper in an auditorium is a definite win in my book.
Day 3
10/10/09
Experiment
So today I tried an experiment. I figured since yesterday was so awful, why not give it a shot. I took a Zyprexa before work. And wow. What a marked difference. I feel soooo much better. I think this is a medicine I will be taking daily for a while during the day instead of as needed at night. Unlike Klonopin, it doesn't make me drowsy or otherwise klutzy and dumb. Though I was a little klutzy at work tonight, I just attribute it to fatigue.
It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.
I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.
And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...
"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte
"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer
I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.
It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.
I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.
And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...
"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte
"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer
I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.
9/28/09
Today I am OK
After a day of grief, I think I am doing better. Maybe it is the pills. Maybe it is the sunshine. But I'm doing better. I have some good things to look forward to and to hope for.
To name one: I applied for a work transfer. I spoke to my store manager and explained my situation and he said he would approve it. I also took the supervisory assessment and passed it. Both stores I am interested in transferring to have open positions in this area. So maybe next week I will get a call saying, "Hey we want you to come and take this position." This could mean full time status and benefits. Which would mean more money. And also hopefully, day shift hours. Though I don't want to work for the Evil Empire forever, I will climb the ladder I'm on for now until a better one comes along.
To name another: though I have been a hormonal mess (the Depo shot didn't do a damn thing it was supposed to), my doctor did a battery of blood work to test for different things. Hopefully I will get some answers as to why my body is such a mess. Why my chemistry seems so bound and determined to fuck with me in bad ways. And not only that, I got a chance to further discuss with her my goals concerning transitioning. Though she said she isn't comfortable prescribing me T (she has never had a trans patient), she said she would do her best to find out more about it and possibly someone else who deals in such matters and refer me. I also have a friend who is a transman who has been on T for 2 years that offered to speak to his doctor about me and ask if they would be willing to contact my doctor.
One more: I get paid on Thursday. And that is never a bad thing.
So despite some turmoil I am choosing to focus on the positive things and positive potentials I have in my life right now. And to move forward. I am choosing to be ok, though I would prefer happy. And I hope happy will come soon. For now I'll take ok.
To name one: I applied for a work transfer. I spoke to my store manager and explained my situation and he said he would approve it. I also took the supervisory assessment and passed it. Both stores I am interested in transferring to have open positions in this area. So maybe next week I will get a call saying, "Hey we want you to come and take this position." This could mean full time status and benefits. Which would mean more money. And also hopefully, day shift hours. Though I don't want to work for the Evil Empire forever, I will climb the ladder I'm on for now until a better one comes along.
To name another: though I have been a hormonal mess (the Depo shot didn't do a damn thing it was supposed to), my doctor did a battery of blood work to test for different things. Hopefully I will get some answers as to why my body is such a mess. Why my chemistry seems so bound and determined to fuck with me in bad ways. And not only that, I got a chance to further discuss with her my goals concerning transitioning. Though she said she isn't comfortable prescribing me T (she has never had a trans patient), she said she would do her best to find out more about it and possibly someone else who deals in such matters and refer me. I also have a friend who is a transman who has been on T for 2 years that offered to speak to his doctor about me and ask if they would be willing to contact my doctor.
One more: I get paid on Thursday. And that is never a bad thing.
So despite some turmoil I am choosing to focus on the positive things and positive potentials I have in my life right now. And to move forward. I am choosing to be ok, though I would prefer happy. And I hope happy will come soon. For now I'll take ok.
8/21/09
I hit a big ass bump in the road and...
After a trip to the ER and a three day stay in a crisis stabilization unit I have had a new medicine added to my cocktail and have gotten a shot in the ass. Unfortunately, it wasn't the shot I wanted. The syringe was full of Depo Prevara. Apparently I have PMDD. All kinds of awesome. Hopefully the Depo will do what my doctor says it will do and actually stop my periods. Guess this will have to do until I can get approved for T.
As for the new meds, they put me on Zyprexa. So far it seems to be working. The most common side effect reported seems to be weight gain. And it looks like that is the truth for Depo too. Hopefully by staying active I can ward off the pounds I've worked to lose.
Work is sucking at the moment. My hours went from about 34/wk to 8/wk. I've had a few discussions with different members of management and have reached no resolution and have been given no explanation as to why this occurred. Hopefully I can get some answers when I go back for my one day this coming week. In the meantime I am going to explore other options and avenues. The people at the CSU actually mentioned to me that they want me to come back to at least volunteer as a peer counselor if not take a job with them. Go figure. I also need to follow up on a few apps I put in a while ago just out of curiosity.
So that's what has been going on the last week. I feel better. So that is a plus. I feel like I've sorta switched mental directions while my eyes have been opened to a few things. I will write more on this when I have more time and the inspiration strikes. For now I am going to enjoy my weekend.
As for the new meds, they put me on Zyprexa. So far it seems to be working. The most common side effect reported seems to be weight gain. And it looks like that is the truth for Depo too. Hopefully by staying active I can ward off the pounds I've worked to lose.
Work is sucking at the moment. My hours went from about 34/wk to 8/wk. I've had a few discussions with different members of management and have reached no resolution and have been given no explanation as to why this occurred. Hopefully I can get some answers when I go back for my one day this coming week. In the meantime I am going to explore other options and avenues. The people at the CSU actually mentioned to me that they want me to come back to at least volunteer as a peer counselor if not take a job with them. Go figure. I also need to follow up on a few apps I put in a while ago just out of curiosity.
So that's what has been going on the last week. I feel better. So that is a plus. I feel like I've sorta switched mental directions while my eyes have been opened to a few things. I will write more on this when I have more time and the inspiration strikes. For now I am going to enjoy my weekend.
7/29/09
A test passed...
Today I met with the founders of the local FTM support group here. It was awesome to be around other men like me - though they are both much further along in physical transition. I was worried for a minute that they wouldn't take me seriously. That they would think I was a fake. And it turns out those were valid concerns (seems they've had people in the past who turned out for the worst). But I passed.
Speaking of passing: I am passing more and more every day now. The outward physical changes I have made have been mostly small but in combination enough to change my overall appearance even more. Simple things like removing the earrings I wore for the longest time. Removing all jewelry period. Changing the style and cut of my already short hair. Minor alterations to my dress - men's button down shirts instead of just tshirts.
Greater and more serious changes include binding and packing. Though these are physical they are also hugely mental. To look in the mirror and see a flat chest is amazing. The first time I was able to do that I was so happy I wanted to point it out to everyone but was so nervous at the same time. So many questions were running through my head...can people see the binder? Is my chest flat enough? Do I look like I'm trying too hard? Thankfully having lost a bit of weight it is easier and easier to bind. I have only bound once in the presence of my family and some of their friends at a party. I was so scared one of them would call me out. But the comments I got were "wow you look great you've lost weight" and things of that nature. They noticed the difference but couldn't seem to put a finger on it.
To look down my flat chest and see the ever so slightly noticeable bulge under my shorts/pants is also totally amazing. The feel of a cock between my legs is fantastic. And the surprising confidence that comes with packing is definitely a plus. My first strap and packer came to me a few months ago (thank you to my benefactor for your support in this area and others...you are truly wonderful). I have the Goodfella by Vixen Creations and the Sedeux by Sportsheets. I recommend both products but the Goodfella isn't the best for daily wear and is rather expensive. It is better for pack and play situations. Because of that I recently purchased my first day packer: the Mr. Limpy by Fleshlight. Unfortunately, the company's marketing of this product is repulsive and awful - but that is another story for another post. The product itself is great and the price is under twenty bucks. It is totally comfortable and easy to wear. Also compatible with my harness. Not terribly high maintenance. And damn...the feeling of my partner grabbing my crotch with a pack between my legs is so hot and makes me feel even more masculine.
I guess all of this is to say that I am slowly going from confusing people to moving closer to the end of the spectrum where I truly belong. I still get the lack of pronoun usage from strangers on occasion, but more often than not I get the masculine ones I so need. And that makes me smile. And to be able to meet other people like me and spend time with them and be totally accepted is wonderful. I hope that by joining this group I can take my transition to new levels inside and out and continue to improve myself as the man I have always been.
Speaking of passing: I am passing more and more every day now. The outward physical changes I have made have been mostly small but in combination enough to change my overall appearance even more. Simple things like removing the earrings I wore for the longest time. Removing all jewelry period. Changing the style and cut of my already short hair. Minor alterations to my dress - men's button down shirts instead of just tshirts.
Greater and more serious changes include binding and packing. Though these are physical they are also hugely mental. To look in the mirror and see a flat chest is amazing. The first time I was able to do that I was so happy I wanted to point it out to everyone but was so nervous at the same time. So many questions were running through my head...can people see the binder? Is my chest flat enough? Do I look like I'm trying too hard? Thankfully having lost a bit of weight it is easier and easier to bind. I have only bound once in the presence of my family and some of their friends at a party. I was so scared one of them would call me out. But the comments I got were "wow you look great you've lost weight" and things of that nature. They noticed the difference but couldn't seem to put a finger on it.
To look down my flat chest and see the ever so slightly noticeable bulge under my shorts/pants is also totally amazing. The feel of a cock between my legs is fantastic. And the surprising confidence that comes with packing is definitely a plus. My first strap and packer came to me a few months ago (thank you to my benefactor for your support in this area and others...you are truly wonderful). I have the Goodfella by Vixen Creations and the Sedeux by Sportsheets. I recommend both products but the Goodfella isn't the best for daily wear and is rather expensive. It is better for pack and play situations. Because of that I recently purchased my first day packer: the Mr. Limpy by Fleshlight. Unfortunately, the company's marketing of this product is repulsive and awful - but that is another story for another post. The product itself is great and the price is under twenty bucks. It is totally comfortable and easy to wear. Also compatible with my harness. Not terribly high maintenance. And damn...the feeling of my partner grabbing my crotch with a pack between my legs is so hot and makes me feel even more masculine.
I guess all of this is to say that I am slowly going from confusing people to moving closer to the end of the spectrum where I truly belong. I still get the lack of pronoun usage from strangers on occasion, but more often than not I get the masculine ones I so need. And that makes me smile. And to be able to meet other people like me and spend time with them and be totally accepted is wonderful. I hope that by joining this group I can take my transition to new levels inside and out and continue to improve myself as the man I have always been.
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