Since I last saw the psychiatrist I saw today. It was kind of odd trying to summarize the last ten years of my history - personal, medical, etc. She is a lot cooler than I remember and was fine when I told her about my transition. She even smiled when I told her how well my social transition has gone to this point. Lots of technical talk ensued about my medication history past and present and her conclusion was to add another medicine to my cocktail...
Apparently severe depression (like I have) can be unresponsive to antidepressants without the help of other medicines. Mood stabilizers seem to be the trick in cases like mine. I am already on one (it was given as an as needed but a few weeks ago I was told to take it regularly) and the new one she added should work well with the current one and the antidepressant I am taking. One is in the anti-psychotic family and the new one is an anti-convulsive. I have no idea exactly how these all work together but I trust her. She has been in practice for at least 10 years so I figure she knows what she is doing. Hopefully between the meds and regular therapy I can get back to a stable state and maybe even to a happy one.
On another note, I went to the local career center and got in with them. They immediately gave me three leads for new jobs and I dropped off an application for one first thing this morning before my appointment. It is a security job and I think it would be a good fit. I'm not in a place to be dealing with a lot of people one on one like in a front end retail position. I would prefer a more solitary assignment for the time being. I am keeping my fingers crossed that if this doesn't work out something else through the center will work out soon. I hope to have a new job by the beginning of the year. Work has been a huge trigger for me and that needs to change.
I'm starting to move my life in a better direction and it is taking these small steps that will get it going. One small step at a time. I can do it.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
11/23/09
11/8/09
10/11/09
Failed experiment and new declaration
So my Zyprexa experiment only worked for one day. I ended up wigging out at work again last night and doing something really fucking stupid. I won't go into details other than to say it wasn't work related and I am still employed. And this leads me to my new declaration and a new sort of "experiment" if you will...
NO MORE DRAMA.
A friend of mine said to me something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that I need to stop perpetuating my own drama. Duh. As simple a statement as that wasn't able to get through my head until recently. I have CONTROL over whether or not I participate in, start or further drama. What a concept. I haven't utilized this control at all for a while. It's like I forgot I had it. But in the end all I can control is MYSELF. I make my choices. I dictate my reactions and responses if any. I have the power of choice. I have the power of control. So I am going to take that power and use it. And my first use is going to be to STOP perpetuating drama. To STOP participating in drama. To STOP creating drama.
As of today I declare myself a DRAMA FREE ZONE.
I will keep my personal drama to myself or express it in non dramatic ways if it needs expression. I will not entertain anyone else's drama. I will not perpetuate drama from the past. I will leave it be. And I sure as damn well hell will not create any new drama. I am too tired and too old to be dealing with dramatic crap. Even though I've been the one creating it lately. So time to grow up. Stop the drama. Stop the drama. Stop the drama.
Today I stop the drama.
PS - If you are reading this (you know who you are) I apologize for all of the drama I have caused and perpetuated in your life. I am truly sorry. I mean this post and I will do my damn best to stick to it for me. And maybe somewhere down the road we can reconnect and be drama free. Take care of yourself and know that I miss you.
NO MORE DRAMA.
A friend of mine said to me something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that I need to stop perpetuating my own drama. Duh. As simple a statement as that wasn't able to get through my head until recently. I have CONTROL over whether or not I participate in, start or further drama. What a concept. I haven't utilized this control at all for a while. It's like I forgot I had it. But in the end all I can control is MYSELF. I make my choices. I dictate my reactions and responses if any. I have the power of choice. I have the power of control. So I am going to take that power and use it. And my first use is going to be to STOP perpetuating drama. To STOP participating in drama. To STOP creating drama.
As of today I declare myself a DRAMA FREE ZONE.
I will keep my personal drama to myself or express it in non dramatic ways if it needs expression. I will not entertain anyone else's drama. I will not perpetuate drama from the past. I will leave it be. And I sure as damn well hell will not create any new drama. I am too tired and too old to be dealing with dramatic crap. Even though I've been the one creating it lately. So time to grow up. Stop the drama. Stop the drama. Stop the drama.
Today I stop the drama.
PS - If you are reading this (you know who you are) I apologize for all of the drama I have caused and perpetuated in your life. I am truly sorry. I mean this post and I will do my damn best to stick to it for me. And maybe somewhere down the road we can reconnect and be drama free. Take care of yourself and know that I miss you.
10/10/09
Experiment
So today I tried an experiment. I figured since yesterday was so awful, why not give it a shot. I took a Zyprexa before work. And wow. What a marked difference. I feel soooo much better. I think this is a medicine I will be taking daily for a while during the day instead of as needed at night. Unlike Klonopin, it doesn't make me drowsy or otherwise klutzy and dumb. Though I was a little klutzy at work tonight, I just attribute it to fatigue.
It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.
I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.
And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...
"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte
"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer
I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.
It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.
I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.
And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...
"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte
"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer
I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.
10/9/09
Serenity
I'm not much of a praying man...but...
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Because I sure as hell don't seem to know the difference.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Because I sure as hell don't seem to know the difference.
C'est la vie
My wheels have touched ground. I guess it's time for a new round and for a broken heart to mend. Time to figure out how to be alone and ok. Time to figure out how to self-preserve. Time to really let go. And not look back. I'll miss you.
"I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around
And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky
Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason and
Something to lose
When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Now your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end
Well, you wanted something beautiful
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something better than
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason and
Something to lose
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Oh!
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)"
- Foo Fighters
"I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around
And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky
Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason and
Something to lose
When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Now your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end
Well, you wanted something beautiful
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something better than
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason and
Something to lose
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Oh!
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)"
- Foo Fighters
9/29/09
I answered my own question
Yes anger and apathy can mix. Because I am now angry and I don't give a flying fuck about it. Whoop dee fucking doo.
Apathy
I am so mixed up inside right now it isn't funny. I am torn between being happy, pissed, sad, jealous, exhausted, compassionate and apathetic. So out of all of these I guess I choose apathy. Seems like the easiest way out. If I don't care I can't get hurt. That is my protection. That is my new MO. I don't care. Let the shit come. I don't care. Let the good come. I don't care. Let the world explode into a billion tiny pieces. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Got it?
9/25/09
"The boy with the weight of the world in his hands..."
He won't recover from his losses,
He's not chosen this path, but he watches who it crosses
Maybe move to the right, maybe move to the left
So we can all see his pain he wears like a banner on his chest
And we all say it's sad, and we think it's a shame
And he's called to our attention, but we do not call his name,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
And we're busy with our happiness, busy with our plans
I wonder if alone he wants it taken from his hands
But if things didn't get any harder
He might miss his sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead
will grant him consolation when he counts upon his need
It makes us all angry though we feign to care
But who will be the scale to weigh the cross he has to bear,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
"Is the glass half-full or empty?" I ask him as I fill it
He said it doesn't really matter, pretty soon you're bound to spill it.
With the half logic language of the sermon he delivers
And the way he smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers
I pull the blanket higher when I'm finally safe at home
And he'll take a hundred with him, but he always sleeps alone,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
Lyrics by Emily Sailers (pronouns changed)
He's not chosen this path, but he watches who it crosses
Maybe move to the right, maybe move to the left
So we can all see his pain he wears like a banner on his chest
And we all say it's sad, and we think it's a shame
And he's called to our attention, but we do not call his name,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
And we're busy with our happiness, busy with our plans
I wonder if alone he wants it taken from his hands
But if things didn't get any harder
He might miss his sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead
will grant him consolation when he counts upon his need
It makes us all angry though we feign to care
But who will be the scale to weigh the cross he has to bear,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
"Is the glass half-full or empty?" I ask him as I fill it
He said it doesn't really matter, pretty soon you're bound to spill it.
With the half logic language of the sermon he delivers
And the way he smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers
I pull the blanket higher when I'm finally safe at home
And he'll take a hundred with him, but he always sleeps alone,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.
Lyrics by Emily Sailers (pronouns changed)
9/24/09
9/21/09
Empty
I never really thought I would say that I am empty. It seems that I can hit the bottom of the bottom and still from somewhere I manage to draw strength to carry on. Well this time I think I've run out.
And the funny thing is...I'm not at the bottom of the bottom. Just the bottom. Still feel fucking stuck. Spinning wheels with no forward motion. Back and forth - round and round. Still seeking change.
Today I lose my therapist to maternity leave. And now I feel like I will truly have no one to talk to. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. I guess I should at least make my last session a bang. Lord knows I have enough to talk about. But truly what good will it do? I'll just have to fucking start over. Again. For the millionth time in my life. And I'm sick of it.
My current "in the works" solution is to get a tattoo. Guess it is a sort of masochism. Not sure I can go today to shop for an artist, but I will go tomorrow and make some inquiries. I have always been seeking a permanent reminder. Sure I have scars. But they fade. Ink seems to be the most durable. It can be touched up.
So maybe with a permanent reminder on my body I won't feel so empty. I won't feel so stuck. I won't feel so lost. I will be able to look in the mirror and see something that says, "Hey asshole this is who you are and you're still here. So keep going."
For now though I will try to plug the drain so I don't overly deplete.
And the funny thing is...I'm not at the bottom of the bottom. Just the bottom. Still feel fucking stuck. Spinning wheels with no forward motion. Back and forth - round and round. Still seeking change.
Today I lose my therapist to maternity leave. And now I feel like I will truly have no one to talk to. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. I guess I should at least make my last session a bang. Lord knows I have enough to talk about. But truly what good will it do? I'll just have to fucking start over. Again. For the millionth time in my life. And I'm sick of it.
My current "in the works" solution is to get a tattoo. Guess it is a sort of masochism. Not sure I can go today to shop for an artist, but I will go tomorrow and make some inquiries. I have always been seeking a permanent reminder. Sure I have scars. But they fade. Ink seems to be the most durable. It can be touched up.
So maybe with a permanent reminder on my body I won't feel so empty. I won't feel so stuck. I won't feel so lost. I will be able to look in the mirror and see something that says, "Hey asshole this is who you are and you're still here. So keep going."
For now though I will try to plug the drain so I don't overly deplete.
8/21/09
I hit a big ass bump in the road and...
After a trip to the ER and a three day stay in a crisis stabilization unit I have had a new medicine added to my cocktail and have gotten a shot in the ass. Unfortunately, it wasn't the shot I wanted. The syringe was full of Depo Prevara. Apparently I have PMDD. All kinds of awesome. Hopefully the Depo will do what my doctor says it will do and actually stop my periods. Guess this will have to do until I can get approved for T.
As for the new meds, they put me on Zyprexa. So far it seems to be working. The most common side effect reported seems to be weight gain. And it looks like that is the truth for Depo too. Hopefully by staying active I can ward off the pounds I've worked to lose.
Work is sucking at the moment. My hours went from about 34/wk to 8/wk. I've had a few discussions with different members of management and have reached no resolution and have been given no explanation as to why this occurred. Hopefully I can get some answers when I go back for my one day this coming week. In the meantime I am going to explore other options and avenues. The people at the CSU actually mentioned to me that they want me to come back to at least volunteer as a peer counselor if not take a job with them. Go figure. I also need to follow up on a few apps I put in a while ago just out of curiosity.
So that's what has been going on the last week. I feel better. So that is a plus. I feel like I've sorta switched mental directions while my eyes have been opened to a few things. I will write more on this when I have more time and the inspiration strikes. For now I am going to enjoy my weekend.
As for the new meds, they put me on Zyprexa. So far it seems to be working. The most common side effect reported seems to be weight gain. And it looks like that is the truth for Depo too. Hopefully by staying active I can ward off the pounds I've worked to lose.
Work is sucking at the moment. My hours went from about 34/wk to 8/wk. I've had a few discussions with different members of management and have reached no resolution and have been given no explanation as to why this occurred. Hopefully I can get some answers when I go back for my one day this coming week. In the meantime I am going to explore other options and avenues. The people at the CSU actually mentioned to me that they want me to come back to at least volunteer as a peer counselor if not take a job with them. Go figure. I also need to follow up on a few apps I put in a while ago just out of curiosity.
So that's what has been going on the last week. I feel better. So that is a plus. I feel like I've sorta switched mental directions while my eyes have been opened to a few things. I will write more on this when I have more time and the inspiration strikes. For now I am going to enjoy my weekend.
8/11/09
6/1/09
Now what....?
Right now all I can think of is the cliche "when a door closes somewhere a window opens" or however it goes. Meaning, I guess that with every "end" comes a new "beginning" of sorts. But what if you don't want the door to close? How long can you stand and push against it? Can it be propped open? And hell...after it closes who is to say how long it will take to find the supposedly open window? Lots of questions for me these days. And I'm having trouble figuring out where to seek the answers.
I'm in essence staring at a blank page. I can put whatever I want on it. But this blank page is the next in a notebook that contains many many full pages behind it. Some pages I wish I could turn back to. Some I'd just as soon rip out and burn. In a lot of ways I'm tempted to just toss the book and start over. Right now that feels right. Find the reset button and smash it down. And I guess there really is no better time than now.
So now what? I guess I'll try to keep the door propped open and hope it stays while I go and try to find a window. Oh. And take my medication. Yay for better living through pharmaceuticals.
I'm in essence staring at a blank page. I can put whatever I want on it. But this blank page is the next in a notebook that contains many many full pages behind it. Some pages I wish I could turn back to. Some I'd just as soon rip out and burn. In a lot of ways I'm tempted to just toss the book and start over. Right now that feels right. Find the reset button and smash it down. And I guess there really is no better time than now.
So now what? I guess I'll try to keep the door propped open and hope it stays while I go and try to find a window. Oh. And take my medication. Yay for better living through pharmaceuticals.
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