The new year approaches

and I have absolutely no words to describe how fuckin shitty this year has been. If and/or when I do I'll let ya know. For now: FUCK YOU 2009.

Movin' On Up

"You've done me wrong
Your time is up
You took a sip
(Just a sip)
From the devils cup.

You broke my heart
There's no way back.
Move right outta here baby.
Go and pack your bags.

Just who do you think you are?
Stop acting like some kind of star.
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a woman baby if that's what you are.

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,
Yeah.

They brag a man has walked in space,
But you can't even find my place.
Mmm there ain't nothing
(Not a thing)
You can do
'Cause I've had enough of me
Baby being part of you.


Just who do you think you are?
This time you've gone too far.
Just who do you think you are?
Take it like a woman baby if that's what you are.

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,
Yeah.

Movin' on up
Movin' on up
Movin' on up
Movin' on up

'Cause I'm moving on up. You're moving on out.
Movin' on up, nothing can stop me.
Moving on up, you're moving on out.
Time to break free. Nothing can stop me,

Movin', movin', movin' nothing can stop me
Movin', movin' time to break free
Nothing can stop me"

- M People

This has been stuck in my head for a few days...

"'Cause I am barely breathing
I can't find the air
Don't know who I'm kidding
Imagining you'd care
And I could stand here waiting
A fool for another day
I don't suppose it's worth the price the price that I would pay
But I'm thinking it over anyway..."

I have heard this song a million times and yet the words never really sunk in. I currently can't remember who it's by or remember much of the rest of the song (I could look it but up I have to go to work really soon). It is somewhat fitting to my life right now. Except the first part. I am breathing fine and I can find the air - though there was a time I couldn't. I'm just not sure who I'm kidding except myself. Because you've proven that you don't care. And if you do, you're doing a damn skippy job of hiding it. And for some reason I have been standing here waiting a fool for another day. Not sure about the price. But I am thinking it over still. And waiting still. For some kind of sign I guess.

"Untouchable Face"

My answer to Kelly Clarkson's "Already Gone" just for you...

"think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

two-thirty in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
a safe haven of sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down
the top 20 country songs
and out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
y'know, i don't look forward
to seeing you again soon
you'll look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
and i won't know what to do
and i won't know what to say

except fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much..."

Thank you Ani Difranco

What does one do with a life that has been filled with inconsistency, empty promises and hollow threats?

27

Well today is officially my birthday and what I am counting as the end of the year for me. Forget the last month. 2009 is OVER for me.

I am really not sure what to say about this year other than it has been quite an experience. A roller coaster of events and emotion both awesome and terrible. Also, that I am not sad to close the book on it and open a new one with some nice fresh clean pages to fill.

I am still standing. I've been beaten down but I'm healing. I haven't gone cold. I haven't gone bitter. I am not jaded. I still have no regrets.

I am thankful for being able to smile. Being able to laugh. Being able to love (even if it isn't returned). Thankful for being loved. Thankful for those who wish to share their lives with me and those who allow me to share my life with them. Most of all I am thankful that I can still learn. Life is full of lessons and the day I stop being able to learn them is the day I want to depart this world.

For now I'll gladly take a last look, close the cover, shelf the book on my 26th year of life. Time for a fresh start. Thank you higher power for a new year.

10 years

Since I last saw the psychiatrist I saw today. It was kind of odd trying to summarize the last ten years of my history - personal, medical, etc. She is a lot cooler than I remember and was fine when I told her about my transition. She even smiled when I told her how well my social transition has gone to this point. Lots of technical talk ensued about my medication history past and present and her conclusion was to add another medicine to my cocktail...

Apparently severe depression (like I have) can be unresponsive to antidepressants without the help of other medicines. Mood stabilizers seem to be the trick in cases like mine. I am already on one (it was given as an as needed but a few weeks ago I was told to take it regularly) and the new one she added should work well with the current one and the antidepressant I am taking. One is in the anti-psychotic family and the new one is an anti-convulsive. I have no idea exactly how these all work together but I trust her. She has been in practice for at least 10 years so I figure she knows what she is doing. Hopefully between the meds and regular therapy I can get back to a stable state and maybe even to a happy one.

On another note, I went to the local career center and got in with them. They immediately gave me three leads for new jobs and I dropped off an application for one first thing this morning before my appointment. It is a security job and I think it would be a good fit. I'm not in a place to be dealing with a lot of people one on one like in a front end retail position. I would prefer a more solitary assignment for the time being. I am keeping my fingers crossed that if this doesn't work out something else through the center will work out soon. I hope to have a new job by the beginning of the year. Work has been a huge trigger for me and that needs to change.

I'm starting to move my life in a better direction and it is taking these small steps that will get it going. One small step at a time. I can do it.

Please get

the hell out of my dreams damn it all. This is frustrating beyond measure. ARGH.

"Mamma I'm strange...

The thoughts and the wants are the locks on the back of my brain.
I'm descending, pretending I'm blending I'm going insane...
And they want me to change...
Mamma I'm strange."

- Melissa Etheridge

If I had the money

to buy new stuff...I would pile all of my worldly possessions save very precious few and pour gasoline on them and light a match and watch them burn. Because you have touched them all. And I want you gone.

I dreamed

about you last night. It was one of THOSE dreams too. And the weirdest part about the whole thing is that you called me by my given name. A name you've never used towards me purposefully. Especially during that particular act. I tried to correct you but for some reason I couldn't. Who knows. Dreams are fucked up anyway.

On another totally unrelated note: I had my follow up for my blood work for T. He told me everything looks good and I am set to go as soon as I have a letter. He said my new psychiatrist (will see her a week from today) could write the letter for me as well as the therapist he mentioned. So I have two possibilities for HRT letters. My concern is whether or not I'll be able to afford it. I don't know how much T costs and I have no insurance. So even with the letter it could be put on hold. It seems if I got insurance after I started that it would be a pre-existing condition and wouldn't be covered. Apparently this is tricky business. I could ask the support group but they pissed me off pretty badly. I asked them to remove me from their list but they haven't and I am still receiving emails. I wonder if I went to the meeting if they would say anything shitty. Guess the only way to know is to find out.

Today I wish memories could be selectively picked out and deleted forever like files on a computer. Or at least be thrown away like yesterday's trash and taken to a dump where they can rot and not be gotten back without some SERIOUS and disgusting effort. Maybe someday...

Birds

For the last two work shifts I have been a door greeter out in the lawn and garden center. It is seriously boring. About the only thing that keeps me entertained are the birds that have made the outdoor covered area their home. They are particularly colorful around eight to nine in the morning. Lots of chirping and flitting about. And today while sitting there alone (except for the birds) I got to thinking...thinking about what the birds are thinking. Thinking about general bird life.

Do birds get involved in abusive relationships? Do they harp on their mate? Call each other bad names? Say shitty things to each other like, "Leave me alone you fucking psycho. I mean it. I will never love you so get over it and get a life."? Do they lie? Do they cheat on each other? Are they manipulative? Selfish? Violent? Rude? Abrasive? Do they tear each other down over and over? Play mind games? Use each other? Do they feel regret? Remorse? Hate? Do they experience heartbreak? Suffer harsh loneliness?

I wonder. I wonder what goes on in their little worlds. It all seems so simple for them. Fly here. Pick this up. Build a nest. Lay some eggs. Eat. Shit. Etc. I started wishing for a minute that I was a bird. That for a moment I could join their little world and see what really goes on. See if they feel any of the things we as humans do. And it got me to thinking about recent feelings I've had. And why. And about why people do what they do.

Why is it that people have the capacity to be so fucking cruel and evil? Why is it we hurt each other purposefully? What is the draw to cause pain? Why do we fall out of love? Or in love? Why do we have to create and experience such awful atrocities as war, murder, rape, abuse, etc? Why do some people's hearts shut off and go cold while others stay warm and bleed pain? Why does the outstretched hand get chopped off? Warmth and love rejected? What possesses people to be stupid assholes? I mean seriously. Seriously. I want to know. I want to know why good people get shit on by the world while the fucktards rule supreme. Why can't it be simple and clear cut...and nice. All I ask for is a little fucking nice. Argh. A little warmth. A little compassion. Some light in the dark cloud that seems ever present.

And all of these thoughts inspired by birds in a garden center.

"Who says..."

I can't be free? / From all the things I used to be / Rewrite my history. / Who says I can't be free?" - John Mayer

Today I choose freedom. Freedom from bullshit. Freedom from abuse. Freedom from crazy fucked up people. Freedom from the pain I have been bearing for no good reason. Freedom from all the chains that have held me down mentally and emotionally. Today I choose to be free. I hope this choice will hold through for a good long while as I write my future.

"Low Rising"

"I wanna sit you down and talk
I wanna pull back the veils
And find out what it is I´ve done wrong
I wanna tear these curtains down
I want you to meet me somewhere
Tonight in this old tourist town
And we´ll go

Low rising
´Cause we´ve gotta come up
We´ve gotta come up
Low rising
´Cause I fear we´ve had enough
Low rising
´Cause there´s no further for us to fall
Low rising
Oh for the love of you

I wanna take you to the rock
I wanna jump right in
And see what that big ocean´s got
I wanna turn this thing around
I wanna drink with you
All night till we both fall down
Till we go

Low rising
´Cause we´ve gotta come up
We´ve gotta come up
Low rising
´Cause there´s no further for us to fall
Low rising
And I fear we´ve had enough
Low rising
Oh for the love of you

Low rising
´Cause we´ve gotta come up
We´ve gotta come up
Low rising
And I fear we´ve had enough
Low rising
´Cause there´s no further for us to fall
Low Rising
Oh for the love of you

For the love of you

Low rising low rising

I wanna sit you down and talk

I wanna sit you down and talk about it now"

- Swell Season

Day 10

I am afraid

of love.

Afraid to love.

Afraid to be loved.

Afraid I'll never be loved again.

Afraid I'll never be able to love again without being completely and utterly let down and rejected.

And it hurts like hell.

And yet I still love.

Still love one person who won't accept my love.

And it hurts like hell.

And I don't know what to do.

Day 8

"Whatever it is...

that pulls the pin, that hurls you past the boundaries of your own life into a brief and total beauty, even for a moment, it is enough." Jeanette Winterson

I am forever searching for that something to pull my pin. It just seems to be elusive. *sigh*

Day 7 (morning)

"Our deepest fear..."

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson from her book A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles

I need to find my light again. It seems to have been stifled under a big pile of crap.

Day 4

Fuck the stupid fucking EVIL empire

And all the bullshit it stands for. I FUCKING HATE my job. And at this point I might as well not even have one. I have ZERO...count them ZERO fucking hours on the next two schedules. And I was told that I have to be a fucking people greeter to get hours but if I get scheduled more than 50% in that position I have to take a fucking pay cut. Which is what is likely going to happen according to the evil sucubus bitch who is my boss. Fuck her.

I am sick and fucking tired of being screwed over. By everything and everyone. I am an honest hard working guy just trying to get by and I just get constantly shit on. I've done the best I can and worked my ass off for them and have gotten shafted over and over. And lied to. Their fucking politics make me physically ill. Walking into that place makes me physically ill. And just overall disgusted. To the point I left early today. I got chewed and lied to once more and after realizing they had enough people I lied to them and left. I can't handle it. I can't handle having to go to a place that sets me off to the point of BAD things happening. A place that just drags me lower and lower every time. But I have to stick it out until I can find something else. Anything else. I can't just not work.

Tomorrow I am going to go inquire about the transfer I put in for almost a month ago. Even though it would still be working for the fucking evil empire at least it would hopefully be with people who are a little more intelligent instead of the pool of fucking stupid rednecks I have to deal with now. And if that doesn't work I am going to spend the first week off (unless I get labor work I'm trying for) finding another job. At this point I don't give a shit what. Going to go to the career center downtown and see what they have. As long as I can maintain the income I make now - or should say have been making since I seem to be losing it. I have four more days to work until the zero hours start. Whoopdeefuckingdoo. I wonder if I can even manage that. I need the money but it is just so damn hard. Guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and bend over and take it for a few more days and then god willing find something better.

So that is enough rant for the moment. I am seeing fucking red. I guess I am going to just swallow a few more pills and just try to go numb. I don't want anything else to do with this day. I just want to sleep. So that is what I'm going to try to do. Sleep so I can get up early and see what I can get done. I am beyond fucking exhausted...mentally, emotionally, physically. And the last thing I want to do is break even more than I already have. Thanks life.

Fuck you Day 3

Rocky Horror

Last night I went with my roommate to meet some of his friends to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show at the Tennessee Theater. I should mention that I also FINALLY got a haircut yesterday evening. And it looks really good. It is what I wanted and I got complimented on it by other friends after the show at Rodger's. Anyway...

I had never met any of my roommate's friends. He introduced me by my male name rather than the nickname he met me by to friend number one we met on the street who would take us to the rest of the group. We got to the restaurant and met the rest of the group and I was again introduced by my male name. Things seemed to be going well. Except for one hitch...the woman sitting across from me kept referring to me with female pronouns. The rest of the group was using male pronouns. Having never met these people before, I wasn't sure how to handle this situation exactly. So I let it slide. I am definitely still not used to correcting people. Especially people I don't know. I need to work on this.

Later when we got to the theater, one of the guys bought me a beer since I had no cash and it was a cash only bar. He said, "and whatever SHE wants." Strike two. We get into the auditorium and he has never been there and asks where the restroom is. I offer to show him (I had to go too) and he seemed just a bit weirded out when I followed him into the men's room. Oh well. Maybe he got the point then.

I sent my roommate (who was sitting next to me) a text saying, "I think I am confusing your friends. Getting mixed pronouns and not sure what to do about it." He responded that the first friend we met on the street apparently bitched out the woman sitting across from me at the table at dinner over the female pronouns. Interesting.

So while it seems that I am passing more and more these days, I am still confusing some. I had a woman this last week who I met with other friends down in Atlanta make a comment on my short hair (I was introduced by my male name). She said I would look really good with long hair. I told her I am trans. She said, "Male to female?" And I wasn't exactly sure what to do with that. Though I took it as a compliment and explained that she had it backwards. She didn't care one way or another she just thought I was a cool person.

I think my "tell" is my mouth. I have very feminine lips and a beauty mark on the left side. Nothing I can do about that. Otherwise my hair and everything else says "man". The only other thing I could think is my voice. Not sure.

I feel like a sort of odd social experiment these days. Every time I go out (except to work) I wonder who will pick what. Who will choose which set of pronouns even though I give a male name and present as such. It is an interesting feeling. But at the end of the day I am just me. A man born into a female body doing his best to be true to himself despite his given limitations.

Side note: the show was kind of a flop. The projector bulbs fucked up twice and though there was a shadow cast, their timing was pretty off. Otherwise it was just fun to be around a bunch of goofy people screaming random shit at a screen and throwing various objects all over the place at the appointed time. Hurling toilet paper in an auditorium is a definite win in my book.

Day 3

Today

is a day I asked to spend with you. And I was turned down. So what happens? I dream about you. Not good dreams, but not nightmares. Concerning dreams. And towards the end one of your children was at risk of death. But she used her awesome intelligence and saved the day. It was horrible. When I woke up the first thing I wanted to do was call you. Call you to see of you are ok. Call you just to hear your voice for real because I heard it all night in my sleep.

It has been three weeks and some now I guess since I last saw you. I don't know the exact time. I would have to check the date on the speeding ticket I got on the way home from your house. But it feels like a lifetime. And to see your face all night in my sleep hurt. Since I can't see it in person. And I spent some time last night thinking about you while I was at work.

I was called outside to push buggies. While out lining up carts to put on the cart mule, I happened to look up and see a young couple sitting in their car. They were kissing. Not making out grotesquely but just sharing a loving, smiling kiss. And my heart sank. My stomach turned. And from that moment on all I could think about was the last distinct memory of kissing you. It's odd because it was not our last kiss. You were sitting in your car and had just let me out in my driveway. I was planning to come over (the last time I saw you) and you said, "Wait, maybe you should kiss me to make sure." We had spent the day with no physical contact. And I walked back over to your open window and leaned in. Put my hand on the back of your head and kissed you. And it felt amazing. All of the passion was there. The sparks. And for me the love. And something was very obviously there for you too.

The longer I thought about that kiss, the deeper my thoughts went. I started to wonder what it would be like to kiss you again. If I would ever kiss you again. I wondered if the opportunity arose if I would even want to kiss you. And if I did, would it feel anywhere near the same. I wondered if you would ever want to kiss me again. I thought about our first kiss at the bar the night we met. And I thought about so many of the kisses over the last 9 months. All the ones I could remember. I stared at my phone doing my best not to send you a text and realized that there are still pictures you have sent me saved there. So I looked at those. And I hurt. But it wasn't the sharp ugly pain. It was an extremely heavy ache. Which is what I feel as I am writing this.

Right now I wish I was with you. I wish I was on your couch with you pressed up against me, your body fitting perfectly with mine, your hair in my face with the TV on and my arms wrapped around your waist. I wish that you would turn your head towards me and shift your body and I would raise up on one arm a little and that we would kiss. That you would look into my eyes in just that way you do and move your mouth up to meet mine.

Maybe tonight in my dreams.

Day 2 Continues

Simple Things

Today (well I guess this is meant to be about yesterday too since it is after midnight) I am grateful for simple things in life. A warm shower. Clean sheets. Gas in my car. The undying love of the dog who is currently laying against my side, her nose at my elbow. A roof over my head. A job. A not shitty day at said job. A day off today. Decent food to eat. Things I seem to take for granted and overlook. I could continue this list with many more things but most are obvious.

I think right now the best thing for me is to focus on small, simple things. To take each day in small increments and break everything down into manageable pieces. Simple pieces. Pieces I can handle. The world has felt entirely too big and horribly overwhelming for quite some time now. And I think that is because I've looked too far ahead. I've played the "what if" game too much. I've taken things that were already simple and complicated them to the point of confusion and even pain. So it is back to basics.

I am proud of myself today for showering after work. For putting sheets on my bed. For at least a week now it seems I have been coming home dirty and falling into a bed with no sheets. In literal essence wallowing in my own filth and denying myself simple basic needs. Depression is to blame. When I get depressed I lose the desire and motivation to do simple things like keep myself and my surroundings clean. I just don't care. My hair is entirely too long as well and though I've been saying for weeks that I need a haircut I haven't actually gone to get one. I will remedy this some time this afternoon. I think that will help me to feel better about myself. And it is something simple. Maybe I will even get the laundry I washed a week ago folded and put away. Who knows. All I know is now it is down to one simple small step at a time. Simplicity in action and simplicity in thought. I think I can handle it.

Day 2

"But I believe in you."

A text from my mother.

My response: "Do you really? The true me? The whole me inside?"

Mom: "I love you. I want to encourage you. And I hope I have. Good night."

Me: "I'll take that as a no. Goodnight."

No response from her. Though she did encourage me, she also did a total 180 and ran from the conversation when I asked her that question. Dodged it completely. As she seems to do. Denial or full frontal attack are the two modes. This was a lovely addition to my day. Shot down again.

Maybe if I take enough pills I can muster up enough motivation to start faking happiness and then wake up one morning and find it has come true. Find that I don't have a crushed broken heart. Find that I don't hate my job. Find that I have a mother and family who support me for the real me. Find that I actually want to get some good rest because I'll have a day to look forward to. Find that I have the desire to get out of bed. Maybe I'll give a shit. But right now I'm going to settle for the pills and numb. I'd rather not feel much any time soon.

Day 1

214.3 Miles

I drove today in silence except for the wind from the windows, the occasional stir of my slumbering dog in the back seat and the rare buzz of a text message.

All I did was think. Think about how love - something that is supposed to be such a wonderful, happy, uplifting, positive, joyful thing - can be so miserable and cause so much pain. About how there is nothing in this world that hurts more than loving someone who will not accept or return love that is given. And how awful it is to not be able to stop loving that person. How the pain just endures despite the walls and shields thrown up around the heart. Because the pain is already there and the walls and shields won't do any good because the pain is already inside and already too much.

And now I have to think about how to relieve this pain. How to pick up what is left of the pieces of my heart and how to put them back together - if they can go back together at all. And I know for sure that if they do, my heart will never be the same. I have to figure out how to heal. How to move on. How to let go. And I hate these lessons. Because they hurt almost as much as the cause, if not more in some ways. And in the back of my mind I know it will just happen again. I will eventually just be broken again. I will open up my fragile heart and let someone in and give all I have to give and be shattered. Again. I just wonder how many times it will go this way until I finally find the one person who won't shatter me, or I just give up and go cold.

Alone

And so fucking lonely with a heart that is bruised and bleeding right now beyond my abilities of repair.

"What went right
What went wrong
Doesn't really matter much
When it's gone

Was it too hard to try
Was it too hard to lie
Did you just grow tired of hello and goodbye
Was it the naked truth that made you run
Where do I go now
That I'm down to one

Sooner or later
We all end up walking alone
I'm down to one

My heart is a traitor
It led me down this road
Now it's done
I'm down to one

I want to know where I failed
I want to know where I sinned
Cause I don't want to ever feel this way again
Was the wanting too deep
Did it block your sun
Where do I go now
That I'm down to one

I guess sooner or later
We all end up walking alone
I'm down to one

My heart is a traitor
It led me down this road
Now it's done
I'm down to one

What am I supposed to think
What am I gonna say
What did I ever know
About this love anyway

Down to one

My heart is a traitor
It led me down this road
And I'm down to one

I guess sooner or later
We all end up walking alone
I'm down to one
My heart is a traitor
And now it's done
Down to one
One...
One...
I'm down to one..."

- "Down To One" Melissa Etheridge

"Something Beautiful"

"In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
Something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful
Something beautiful..."

- NeedToBreathe

Words on Love

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18

"Love is a constant state of letting go, of holding your hands outstretched to someone, but never cupping them to keep anything for yourself; hoping that they will pour themselves out in the same way, but knowing that it isn't a matter of reciprocity, but something we MUST do, because the way we love is who we are, not just some activity we engage in...

Love leads to pain a great deal of the time. Sometimes it leads to pain because we have chosen to care so much about someone else that their pain becomes, to an extent, our own. But too often, our attempts to love cause us pain because we love with the expectation of a return of that love, which is never assured...

...love is beautiful. Any true accounting of its nature, no matter how poor the words, can strike a chord within us that can only resonate against that self-sacrificial love which we are so perfectly suited to pursue, but trained by this world to ridicule and abuse." - D. Holt

My hands are still outstretched to you and now they are no longer cupped. I hold no expectation. I just love you for you. Plain, pure and simple.

Failed experiment and new declaration

So my Zyprexa experiment only worked for one day. I ended up wigging out at work again last night and doing something really fucking stupid. I won't go into details other than to say it wasn't work related and I am still employed. And this leads me to my new declaration and a new sort of "experiment" if you will...

NO MORE DRAMA.

A friend of mine said to me something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that I need to stop perpetuating my own drama. Duh. As simple a statement as that wasn't able to get through my head until recently. I have CONTROL over whether or not I participate in, start or further drama. What a concept. I haven't utilized this control at all for a while. It's like I forgot I had it. But in the end all I can control is MYSELF. I make my choices. I dictate my reactions and responses if any. I have the power of choice. I have the power of control. So I am going to take that power and use it. And my first use is going to be to STOP perpetuating drama. To STOP participating in drama. To STOP creating drama.

As of today I declare myself a DRAMA FREE ZONE.

I will keep my personal drama to myself or express it in non dramatic ways if it needs expression. I will not entertain anyone else's drama. I will not perpetuate drama from the past. I will leave it be. And I sure as damn well hell will not create any new drama. I am too tired and too old to be dealing with dramatic crap. Even though I've been the one creating it lately. So time to grow up. Stop the drama. Stop the drama. Stop the drama.

Today I stop the drama.

PS - If you are reading this (you know who you are) I apologize for all of the drama I have caused and perpetuated in your life. I am truly sorry. I mean this post and I will do my damn best to stick to it for me. And maybe somewhere down the road we can reconnect and be drama free. Take care of yourself and know that I miss you.

Experiment

So today I tried an experiment. I figured since yesterday was so awful, why not give it a shot. I took a Zyprexa before work. And wow. What a marked difference. I feel soooo much better. I think this is a medicine I will be taking daily for a while during the day instead of as needed at night. Unlike Klonopin, it doesn't make me drowsy or otherwise klutzy and dumb. Though I was a little klutzy at work tonight, I just attribute it to fatigue.

It seems my body is still fighting the damn swings of evil female hormones and the clash of the Depo shot. That time of the month that isn't supposed to happen anymore (but I spotted for two solid weeks) is approaching again. Good news is that I am steps closer to T. I saw a doctor who is willing to prescribe and did all of the initial blood work. The condition is an HRT/GID letter. He referred me to a shrink who does a ton of work with trans clients. She is willing to see me at a reduced rate. I explained my situation to her and she made a concession. I don't know how long I'll have to see her to meet the criteria for said letter but hey, it's a start.

I am thankful for today. It was an uneventful, stable day. I am still struggling with some things but I ate much better and I feel much better. Maybe I'll even sleep better too. I hope tomorrow/today can be the same or better. C'mon Zyprexa. Kick me out of my funk.

And here are some random words of wisdom I found that I figured I should share...

"Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your alone-ness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you." - David Whyte

"You were not put on Earth to suffer. Regardless of your philosophical beliefs, the fact remains that you were born and you are going to die. During the time in between, you get to choose whether or not you want to enjoy the experience. You can be happy just to be alive." - M. Singer

I am happy just to be alive today. Thank you higher power for this day.

Serenity

I'm not much of a praying man...but...

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Because I sure as hell don't seem to know the difference.

C'est la vie

My wheels have touched ground. I guess it's time for a new round and for a broken heart to mend. Time to figure out how to be alone and ok. Time to figure out how to self-preserve. Time to really let go. And not look back. I'll miss you.


"I know what you're thinkin'
We were goin' down
I can feel the sinkin'
But then I came around

And everyone I've loved before
Flashed before my eyes
And nothin' mattered anymore
I looked into the sky

Well we all want something better than
We wish for something new
Well we all want something beautiful
Wish for something true
Been lookin' for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

Now your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end

Well, you wanted something beautiful
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something better than
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason and
Something to lose

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
Oh!

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)

When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)
When the wheels touch ground (When the wheels touch ground)
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you
When the wheels come down (When the wheels come down)"

- Foo Fighters

Self-Preservation

"A lot of us (myself included obviously) have a tendency to let the needs of others supersede our own, and sometimes it becomes not a matter of selfishness or ego but instead of self-preservation to stop worrying about everyone else and take care of ourselves.

So take care of yourself. It's not only that you deserve it, but that you need it."

These are not my words. But these words keep ringing in my ears. Not these exactly but the variations of them I have heard over and over and over in the last year. And more often in recent months.

The problem: I don't really know how. It seems I've always had someone else to take care of. Or taken on someone else to take care of. Or it feels like I've usually been so sick and "crippled" someone has had to step in and take care of me. And if no one does I just crumble and eventually sweep up the pieces and tape them back together as best I can. And the "repaired" me is often ok for a while but worse for wear in the long run.

This is a shitty pattern that needs to stop. It is just so hard to stop it because I am truly a caring, giving person. I want to help others. I want to fix things. And in doing so and being this way I don't fix myself. I don't give myself the things I REALLY need. I fill voids with things I THINK I need. Sorta live vicariously I guess. Maybe I do this as an avoidance technique. Maybe I figure if I can support others and fix their shit then I won't have to deal with mine. That's a possibility but I don't think it is always the case.

I think it is mostly just ingrained from childhood. Having to parent one's parent kinda messes with priorities of growing up. Having to step up so early I'm not sure I ever got a fair chance to learn how to self preserve beyond fighting tooth and nail for things. Sure I learned REAL quick how to take care of myself on a base level - get up on time, brush my teeth, cook food, clean myself up, get myself to school and daycare and activities. But I never learned what it meant to really self-preserve beyond a base level. To self-preserve in positive, non-survival related ways. Plus, I figured why should anyone have to go through what I've been through or anything else for that matter without support when I can be of support? When I can step up and help shoulder some of the burden?

In my efforts to self-preserve, I am not going to just stop caring about others. But I am going to definitely make an effort to be much more aware of my personal boundaries regarding how much I care and what if anything I allow myself to become involved in. I am going to make it a goal of mine for the next week to take a minimum of half an hour out of each day and do something just for me. Gonna see how this works. A few things I have identified that can be just for me are: reading a book, learning a new song on guitar, writing somewhere other than here, spending time with my dog outside in the sunshine.

The trick is going to be doing this without feeling guilty for it. I have fought this so hard in the past and am still fighting it. I am always thinking in the back of my mind about all of the other things I "should" be doing or "could" be doing. Things that "need" to be done. So maybe first I'll take care of a small something that needs to be done (put up clean laundry, do a few dishes, straighten up a mess or something along these lines) so I can feel accomplished and then take the self-preservation time. Maybe this will work. I sure hope so.

Credit to a friend for putting this up on Facebook

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBR0dq0XXk

Trailer for the documentary "For The Bible Tells Me So" a documentary reconciling Biblical scripture and homosexuality.

Gonna go try to rent it. Doubt I'll find it but I bet Netflix has it if I sign back up.

Tonight I miss you...

You are on my mind. Weighing heavy on my heart. Memories of you are flooding my brain. Your beautiful smile. Your free and contagious laughter. Your eyes and the look that has captured my heart so many times. The feel of your body wrapped in my arms. How your head feels lying on my shoulder. The way you are always on your toes. How your lips feel so soft against mine. And how the taste of your cherry lip gloss lingers on my mouth. How you hold onto me so tightly in that moment of bliss when we become one. Your nightgowns and how they feel against my skin. And how incredibly sexy you look in them. Your purple dress and how we were both still finding glitter in random places two weeks later. The way you sing along without abandon to whatever music is playing. The way you dance. So free and joyous. And how all I can do is stand and watch in awe until you pull me close and make me move with you. Your total randomness in conversation. And your matter of fact opinions and fantastic advice. Your undying love for your children. Hearing you read bed time stories to them at night. Seeing you be such a wonderful mother and the joy they bring you. And I could go on and on...

I wish so much that I could get these moments back. And I wish even more that there will be more down the road. But I have no guarantee. So for now I will hold on to what I have. And love you from a distance. A distance that I hope someday can shrink instead of widen as it seems to have done as of late. And that I won't have to miss you as I do now.

Because tonight...I miss you.

I answered my own question

Yes anger and apathy can mix. Because I am now angry and I don't give a flying fuck about it. Whoop dee fucking doo.

Curiosity

Can anger and apathy mix??

Apathy

I am so mixed up inside right now it isn't funny. I am torn between being happy, pissed, sad, jealous, exhausted, compassionate and apathetic. So out of all of these I guess I choose apathy. Seems like the easiest way out. If I don't care I can't get hurt. That is my protection. That is my new MO. I don't care. Let the shit come. I don't care. Let the good come. I don't care. Let the world explode into a billion tiny pieces. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Got it?

Anger

Anger is an issue I have had to deal with my whole life. As early as grade school I had outbursts of rage (sometimes sudden and blind) to the point where I did physical damage to property: kicked holes in walls, broke doors (kicked them in), smashed various objects. I spent a lot of allowance money on drywall for a good while. Once, in high school, I threw a chair at a glass door and oddly the chair broke. My intention was to shatter the door. But later I succeeded in the same task just in a different way. Though as I've gotten older, my tendency is to just turn the anger inward. I take the physical out on myself in the form of punching objects I cannot break - walls, doors, furniture - to leave bruises (I have almost broken my hand a number of times) and hitting myself repeatedly in the face to the point I have black eyes. And even occasionally I have cut myself in anger. And to be clear - I am nowhere near proud of this.

For me, anger that comes out towards other people is always verbal. I have never struck another person in anger unless I was struck first. And even then, my striking back has been rare and always in defense. I usually take the hit and just keep screaming or threaten to hit back and that usually shuts the other person down. My anger towards others comes in words...extremely harsh and hateful, straight to the jugular words.

I have learned to control the anger inside me a little better over time and it has dulled some. But it still dwells within me. I still harbor a lot of anger towards my mother for my upbringing. And I currently hold anger towards her for remarks and actions made in the recent past. There is anger towards other family members as well in regards to their shitty reactions to my transition. I am also currently angry with myself for some recent incidents and failures in areas where I was striving for success. And unfortunately, in the last year I have engaged in some of the actions listed above as recently as this past week. I have a bruise on my wrist from hitting my steering wheel and cuts on my left shoulder.

I have been in and out of therapy for the past twelve years. When I was fifteen I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Within the last few months I went to the ER and then to a crisis stabilization unit for three days to keep myself from having to go inpatient. I have been on 10 different psychiatric medicines on and off in different combinations over this time as well (currently on 3). Though I've never been told I need anger management classes. Never have really, truly, addressed the issues of my anger head on in the context of the anger and not the situation. If that makes any sense.

Looking back, some of my major life decisions have been made out of some form of anger and/or rebellion. Some to my good, some to my detriment. My choice to fail miserably in high school was to spite my mother's overbearing and controlling perfectionism she was bound and determined to force on me (and did since I can remember). My choice to go to the college I went to was to piss off my family (they're all in health care and I went to music school) and to get as far away from my mother as physically possible because being anywhere near her just pissed me off. We were totally unable to coexist in any peaceful or healthy manner. And we still aren't. I have let anger control me in these and other ways.

I have had family members accuse me of harboring massive amounts of anger towards my mother, though they do not and cannot ever know the true extent of the abusive upbringing I had. Or the abuse I endured through college. Or the shit I have gotten from her within the last few months. And I have family members now accusing me of transitioning just to piss them off and fuck with them. They say I am doing it out of spite and because I am just so mad at them. I want to fuck with them. Because I'm angry. And if I could only let go of the anger I wouldn't have to change.

The truth is my choice and need to transition has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with anger towards anyone. Though I am angry at my lot in life. Angry that I was born into a body that I have never been able to like, let alone fully accept and that doesn't reflect the individual I am inside (though I'm getting closer). But I have accepted that I am who I am. And now that I have done that and taken steps towards seeking medical assistance in correcting the physical issues, that anger is fading and I can honestly say that I am happier with myself more than I have ever been. Though it is nowhere near an easy process, I have hope.

I would say my biggest issue with anger is that I have often unknowingly bottled it up for too long. I think I've let it go, but I really haven't. And then it just explodes. And the things I am not proud of happen. I become destructive. Thankfully these episodes have become fewer and farther apart, but they are still happening and they need to be addressed. I don't bottle it up for too long now so much as I just explode. And this is NOT a good thing.

Anger is an extremely powerful emotion and one that needs to be handled appropriately or it can be devastatingly dangerous and even fatal. I have seen people do and say some unspeakably horrid things out of anger. I have seen people crumble physically and emotionally in the grip of anger. And I too have said and done things out of anger that I wish to god every day I could take back. The seed becomes planted and it is so tempting to let it grow. To nurture it. Because, damn it all, you have a right to be angry. And it can feel good. It can feel powerful. But it isn't healthy.

I have come to realize that anger is a mask. A wall to hide other underlying emotions like fear, hurt, guilt, shame, despair, etc. And that expressing anger in such ways as I've listed above just solidifies and reaffirms the anger and often encourages it to escalate. And because of the short term high anger can offer, it can become addictive. I have experienced this myself.

I have figured that if I stay angry, I won't have to deal with what is causing the anger. Won't have to deal with the REAL issue. I figure if I punch a wall I can let the anger out. And it feels good. It makes the anger visible. I can see the bruises and watch them heal. But the anger that caused the bruises often still remains under the surface masking the issues that got me angry in the first place.

I have decided that now is the time to address the anger itself and how I handle it. To address the issues causing the anger instead of just being angry. To tackle some tough ass stuff one piece at a time so I can stop the cycle of unhealthy, destructive behavior. So I can let some of it go. Because I haven't been able to do so to this point. And one of my steps is to call in the morning and make a therapy appointment so I can get the ball rolling. I've addressed some of the issues but not nearly all of them and definitely not to the extent that they need to be addressed. I am tired of letting anger get the better of me. Tired of the physical and emotional distress it causes. Tired of looking at the bruises and scars. It's time to take off the mask and really look at what is underneath.

Today I am OK

After a day of grief, I think I am doing better. Maybe it is the pills. Maybe it is the sunshine. But I'm doing better. I have some good things to look forward to and to hope for.

To name one: I applied for a work transfer. I spoke to my store manager and explained my situation and he said he would approve it. I also took the supervisory assessment and passed it. Both stores I am interested in transferring to have open positions in this area. So maybe next week I will get a call saying, "Hey we want you to come and take this position." This could mean full time status and benefits. Which would mean more money. And also hopefully, day shift hours. Though I don't want to work for the Evil Empire forever, I will climb the ladder I'm on for now until a better one comes along.

To name another: though I have been a hormonal mess (the Depo shot didn't do a damn thing it was supposed to), my doctor did a battery of blood work to test for different things. Hopefully I will get some answers as to why my body is such a mess. Why my chemistry seems so bound and determined to fuck with me in bad ways. And not only that, I got a chance to further discuss with her my goals concerning transitioning. Though she said she isn't comfortable prescribing me T (she has never had a trans patient), she said she would do her best to find out more about it and possibly someone else who deals in such matters and refer me. I also have a friend who is a transman who has been on T for 2 years that offered to speak to his doctor about me and ask if they would be willing to contact my doctor.

One more: I get paid on Thursday. And that is never a bad thing.

So despite some turmoil I am choosing to focus on the positive things and positive potentials I have in my life right now. And to move forward. I am choosing to be ok, though I would prefer happy. And I hope happy will come soon. For now I'll take ok.

"The boy with the weight of the world in his hands..."

He won't recover from his losses,
He's not chosen this path, but he watches who it crosses
Maybe move to the right, maybe move to the left
So we can all see his pain he wears like a banner on his chest
And we all say it's sad, and we think it's a shame
And he's called to our attention, but we do not call his name,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.

And we're busy with our happiness, busy with our plans
I wonder if alone he wants it taken from his hands
But if things didn't get any harder
He might miss his sacred chance to go a consecrated martyr,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.

I wonder which saint that lives inside a bead
will grant him consolation when he counts upon his need
It makes us all angry though we feign to care
But who will be the scale to weigh the cross he has to bear,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.

"Is the glass half-full or empty?" I ask him as I fill it
He said it doesn't really matter, pretty soon you're bound to spill it.
With the half logic language of the sermon he delivers
And the way he smiles so knowingly at me gives me the shivers
I pull the blanket higher when I'm finally safe at home
And he'll take a hundred with him, but he always sleeps alone,
The boy with the weight of the world in his hands.

Lyrics by Emily Sailers (pronouns changed)

Dear World...

If I left you, would you even care? I'm starting to wonder.

And now...

I bleed.

Empty

I never really thought I would say that I am empty. It seems that I can hit the bottom of the bottom and still from somewhere I manage to draw strength to carry on. Well this time I think I've run out.

And the funny thing is...I'm not at the bottom of the bottom. Just the bottom. Still feel fucking stuck. Spinning wheels with no forward motion. Back and forth - round and round. Still seeking change.

Today I lose my therapist to maternity leave. And now I feel like I will truly have no one to talk to. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. I guess I should at least make my last session a bang. Lord knows I have enough to talk about. But truly what good will it do? I'll just have to fucking start over. Again. For the millionth time in my life. And I'm sick of it.

My current "in the works" solution is to get a tattoo. Guess it is a sort of masochism. Not sure I can go today to shop for an artist, but I will go tomorrow and make some inquiries. I have always been seeking a permanent reminder. Sure I have scars. But they fade. Ink seems to be the most durable. It can be touched up.

So maybe with a permanent reminder on my body I won't feel so empty. I won't feel so stuck. I won't feel so lost. I will be able to look in the mirror and see something that says, "Hey asshole this is who you are and you're still here. So keep going."

For now though I will try to plug the drain so I don't overly deplete.

Stuck...

I have been feeling more and more lately that I am starting to get stuck in a rut. Work, relationships and just life overall seem to be flat-lining and I don't know what to do to kick start a change.

I am disgusted with my job. It just keeps getting worse and I haven't had any time to make an effort for one reason or another just yet to find a new one. And now I am out on worker's comp for a day and on steroids for a week because of an incident last night. So depending on how all this plays out I might just have to find a job pretty damn quick because I have a strange feeling they'll be gunning for me. They don't like me anyway for whatever reason and I've been discriminated against by management in backhanded ways and sexually harassed twice by coworkers as is. All incidents have been reported, though not handled very well on their end. This is just one more thing to them. One more reason to find an excuse to get me out of their hair.

As far as relationships are concerned, I seem to be going in circles. With everyone. My mother, the rest of my family, my friends, my "lover". Seems I feel something gets resolved or there is a step forward and then it just goes backwards. And then right back to where it was. Or worse. No true forward motion. At least that I can see. And this is getting frustrating to the point of me just wanting to cut everyone out. Especially with the holiday season sneaking ever closer (an issue unto itself).

I seem to be back to the point of wanting to just pick up and move somewhere and just start over. Anywhere I can be the real me from day one and no one will have to know the truth. Go ahead and legally change my name. Find a doctor and start T. Find a job that will allow me to be who I am where I don't have to hide or be in fear. Get off all the damn pills I have to take for various reasons.

The worst part of all of this is that right now none of these are really feasible options. And the reason is mostly money. And also the issues I am being treated for: depression, anxiety, PMDD and sleep issues. All of these make it super hard to get the motivation to be anything other than slow and methodical. To just keep plodding like a hamster in a wheel. It is wearing me out. Truly. I feel more and more drained by everything as each day passes and I don't feel like I have anything to even remotely replenish me in the ways I need to be replenished. Or anything to show for the efforts I put forth.

The other worst part of it all is that I'm not programmed to quit. For whatever reason I do just keep going. Sometimes until I hit rock ass bottom. I'm not there yet but I'm floating towards that line. I guess I need to sit down and do some serious reflection on my life and what I want to change. And figure my options out...pros and cons of those changes and if I can implement them and if so when.

Maybe when I have four days off in a row in a week or so I'll see if I can get a friend to watch my dog and take a hiking trip. Bust out all the old backpacking gear and just tromp into the woods somewhere for a few days. Spend some time with nature and a journal and get some thoughts down. Really get a chance to think.

For now I'm going to go to my first support group meeting tomorrow and hopefully get some info on how to start making the physical changes I need to make. And then I'll have therapy in a week and some. Maybe by then something will give and I can take even a small step forward. A small step so I can feel less stuck.

I hit a big ass bump in the road and...

After a trip to the ER and a three day stay in a crisis stabilization unit I have had a new medicine added to my cocktail and have gotten a shot in the ass. Unfortunately, it wasn't the shot I wanted. The syringe was full of Depo Prevara. Apparently I have PMDD. All kinds of awesome. Hopefully the Depo will do what my doctor says it will do and actually stop my periods. Guess this will have to do until I can get approved for T.

As for the new meds, they put me on Zyprexa. So far it seems to be working. The most common side effect reported seems to be weight gain. And it looks like that is the truth for Depo too. Hopefully by staying active I can ward off the pounds I've worked to lose.

Work is sucking at the moment. My hours went from about 34/wk to 8/wk. I've had a few discussions with different members of management and have reached no resolution and have been given no explanation as to why this occurred. Hopefully I can get some answers when I go back for my one day this coming week. In the meantime I am going to explore other options and avenues. The people at the CSU actually mentioned to me that they want me to come back to at least volunteer as a peer counselor if not take a job with them. Go figure. I also need to follow up on a few apps I put in a while ago just out of curiosity.

So that's what has been going on the last week. I feel better. So that is a plus. I feel like I've sorta switched mental directions while my eyes have been opened to a few things. I will write more on this when I have more time and the inspiration strikes. For now I am going to enjoy my weekend.

Lessons to be learned...

So it seems once again I am faced with two lessons I still have yet to learn: picking my battles and knowing when to walk away. And I have recently failed MISERABLY at both. The result: physical and emotional pain, humiliation, shame, regret. Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and now I look back and realize that if I'd just let it slide and walked away I could have avoided the massive explosion that occurred. And I was even being pushed to do so. But I didn't. Why? That is something I've been doing a lot of thinking on lately. Here is what I've come up with...

I am a born fighter. I am also a programmed fighter. I have spent my whole life watching those around me battle over things great and small with the ones they love. And I have spent my whole life battling over things great and small with the ones I love. And for what? Well there are a lot of reasons - to win, to prove a point, to protect/defend myself, for sheer spite, to be an asshole. The programming comes into play in how I fight (and believe me I've learned from the best): I go straight for what hurts the other person the most. I figure if I can shut them down in one blow I win and it's over. Wrong. Has any of it worked? Historically, obviously, no. So why do I keep it up? Habit. Force of fucking habit.

I read somewhere once that it takes 28 days to form a habit. And it can take a lifetime to break a habit. This is a habit I must break. Instead of fight I need another option. I'm not built for flight and I don't believe in running away. I guess I need to learn how to find a middle ground. Learn how to balance the fight with some common sense and clarity. Learn how to stop and take a deep breath and count to 10 in the heat of it before I go straight for the jugular and ask myself, "What result will I get if I attack and is it truly worth it?" If I had done this recently I wouldn't be where I'm at now. If I'd done this in the past things would be different. But, alas, I've walked the road to this point and here I am once again feeling like a total fuck up and on the verge of losing someone I care for deeply. Someone I love. All because I couldn't let go. Couldn't walk away. Couldn't be a stronger man. Couldn't break the cycle. And really, honestly, in a lot of ways I haven't been aware of the cycle. But now that I have identified it, I sure as hell am going to make a very concerted effort to put it to a halt.

I am so deeply sorry. There is no excuse for my behavior. And it will stop. I promise. Change is here.

Black & Blue

Is my eye, my lip, my pride and my heart. So be it. It's my fault.

A test passed...

Today I met with the founders of the local FTM support group here. It was awesome to be around other men like me - though they are both much further along in physical transition. I was worried for a minute that they wouldn't take me seriously. That they would think I was a fake. And it turns out those were valid concerns (seems they've had people in the past who turned out for the worst). But I passed.

Speaking of passing: I am passing more and more every day now. The outward physical changes I have made have been mostly small but in combination enough to change my overall appearance even more. Simple things like removing the earrings I wore for the longest time. Removing all jewelry period. Changing the style and cut of my already short hair. Minor alterations to my dress - men's button down shirts instead of just tshirts.

Greater and more serious changes include binding and packing. Though these are physical they are also hugely mental. To look in the mirror and see a flat chest is amazing. The first time I was able to do that I was so happy I wanted to point it out to everyone but was so nervous at the same time. So many questions were running through my head...can people see the binder? Is my chest flat enough? Do I look like I'm trying too hard? Thankfully having lost a bit of weight it is easier and easier to bind. I have only bound once in the presence of my family and some of their friends at a party. I was so scared one of them would call me out. But the comments I got were "wow you look great you've lost weight" and things of that nature. They noticed the difference but couldn't seem to put a finger on it.

To look down my flat chest and see the ever so slightly noticeable bulge under my shorts/pants is also totally amazing. The feel of a cock between my legs is fantastic. And the surprising confidence that comes with packing is definitely a plus. My first strap and packer came to me a few months ago (thank you to my benefactor for your support in this area and others...you are truly wonderful). I have the Goodfella by Vixen Creations and the Sedeux by Sportsheets. I recommend both products but the Goodfella isn't the best for daily wear and is rather expensive. It is better for pack and play situations. Because of that I recently purchased my first day packer: the Mr. Limpy by Fleshlight. Unfortunately, the company's marketing of this product is repulsive and awful - but that is another story for another post. The product itself is great and the price is under twenty bucks. It is totally comfortable and easy to wear. Also compatible with my harness. Not terribly high maintenance. And damn...the feeling of my partner grabbing my crotch with a pack between my legs is so hot and makes me feel even more masculine.

I guess all of this is to say that I am slowly going from confusing people to moving closer to the end of the spectrum where I truly belong. I still get the lack of pronoun usage from strangers on occasion, but more often than not I get the masculine ones I so need. And that makes me smile. And to be able to meet other people like me and spend time with them and be totally accepted is wonderful. I hope that by joining this group I can take my transition to new levels inside and out and continue to improve myself as the man I have always been.

Now what....?

Right now all I can think of is the cliche "when a door closes somewhere a window opens" or however it goes. Meaning, I guess that with every "end" comes a new "beginning" of sorts. But what if you don't want the door to close? How long can you stand and push against it? Can it be propped open? And hell...after it closes who is to say how long it will take to find the supposedly open window? Lots of questions for me these days. And I'm having trouble figuring out where to seek the answers.

I'm in essence staring at a blank page. I can put whatever I want on it. But this blank page is the next in a notebook that contains many many full pages behind it. Some pages I wish I could turn back to. Some I'd just as soon rip out and burn. In a lot of ways I'm tempted to just toss the book and start over. Right now that feels right. Find the reset button and smash it down. And I guess there really is no better time than now.

So now what? I guess I'll try to keep the door propped open and hope it stays while I go and try to find a window. Oh. And take my medication. Yay for better living through pharmaceuticals.

Who's eyes am I behind?

I look in the mirror and I have no clue who I see. Is it the woman that my body represents? Or is it the man that inhabits my mind?
Should a person hate what they see when they look at themselves? Is the need to want to punch the reflection anywhere near normal?
What is behind the eyes? The eyes that one day are familiar. One day are bright. One day are clouded. One day empty. One day dark. Who is in there?
I can’t translate the image in the mirror into anything some days. The view is totally foreign. Other days I see the sad, lonely, scared pathetic individual who dwells there. And some rare days I see the confident, strong, capable and worthwhile individual I should be. Key word: should.
How do I unlock the real me? How do I even know who that is? I can’t make the pieces fit. I can’t match the inside with the out. And to do so is going to take a long time. And resources I don’t yet have. And even then will the self-image in my brain match what I see? I don’t know.

2:54am

Sometimes life comes with an enormous amount of pain and confusion. The hurt is so deep it gets to the point where only numbness is left. It becomes so comfortable that to live without it is unbearable. And you become trapped. Trapped between torment and that tiny grain of reasoning stuffed somewhere way back in a dusty corner of the mind telling you, "This isn't right. You don't need to live like this." Torn by a heart gone half cold that wants to love but forgot how. How do you try when everything is blank? When nothing makes any sense? When the pain has consumed you? When you feel utterly and completely alone...who do you turn to?

To someone else...

I can't show myself but I can't hide myself. And the pressure of holding it all in to protect everyone else just builds and builds. ... And I'm working on it. The whole self respect thing. Because I deserve it. I know I do. Just so damn hard sometimes. So hard. It is sad that I'm laughed at and called too nice by men for treating women with basic courtesy when they should take notes. So many lack the capacity, compassion and most often even the desire to understand, let alone comprehend difference. And even then some still can't accept it on a base level, let alone embrace it. I would be fine for the rest of my life conforming on the outside when need be to be able to have one person who accepts me.